Day 354 - Being Clear and Direct

By dancing around the issue, I've been leaving grey areas and back doors for myself to get out of my responsibilities. When I know I need to do something and don't do it, there was something missing from the picture. What did I not take into consideration when framing my tasks of the day?

And I'm talking about being clear and direct with myself to become more effective with my self-direction, but this would apply for communicating direction to others as well. I have found several instances recently where I wasn't communicating clearing within my questions, and the result was receiving frustrated questions in return instead of answers. So if I don't communicate clearly, direct and to the point, I find it much more difficult to work with others to meet really any goal. It would then make sense that if I'm finding it difficult to meet my own goals, perhaps I'm not being absolutely clear with myself.

To clarify ;) this is not a mere knowing what I want to accomplish. To be direct and clear in relation to a desired outcome, I need to factor in all relevant points. I must consider my current weaknesses and strengths, so I can recognize and stop a self-sabotage pattern and amplify my strong suits with strategy. I must consider the facts and my relationship with each of them. I must consider my why, my purpose, my operating principle, my who I am defined by the choices and physical outflow that I create. What am I missing? Also a question I need to ask myself.

When the answers start pouring at me, I must then also give myself direction. So being clear and direct allows me to have clear direction, but that self-direction is only worth as much as the follow through in physical reality.

Preparation should also be mentioned here. Without it, it is far to easy to get overwhelmed and cycle in self-defeat. Until I can clearly and directly see all relevant points in self honesty, in the moment of a single breath, I must prepare myself to stand. As I'm developing self-trust, I must show myself that I can trust myself. The best way that I can think to prove my trustworthiness is to first conduct the necessary research to fully understand what I am asking myself to do when setting a goal, and then to actually do it.

The current friction is coming from setting goals that I'm not prepared to accomplish. I need to sit myself down and directly show myself what is required to do, why, and how. A physical plan of action, of practical and immediate points, that I can move in alignment with what is best for me and all. To leave a hole or a way out of the understanding my role and accountability within this is to be dishonest with myself.

Self-honesty is no walk in the park. It's more like running down a rocky mountain. Each step must be specifically placed, so that the body weight can be effectively transferred, to be able to position the next step specifically. This very physical movement requires a flow of efficient decision making, which in turn requires a moment of foresight. If you aren't planning the next step before landing the current step, you won't be able to decide how the physical body must balance and shift accordingly. This is parkour philosophy.

I commit myself to parkour through my work day.

More on this tomorrow.

photo credit 

Day 348 - Ctrl+Shift+SF Cheat Code

I originally sat down to write this post about how I've been doing the typing of self-forgiveness and kind of cheating within it, but then I realized that this point is not just about that. There is a depth of reason for why I have not yet shared this point and it comes down to: guilt.

Slowing it down, instead of saying "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to..." (typed as such keystroke by keystroke), I had been using a program to do this for me so all I had to do was hit a key combo.

So ctrl+shift+a = I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

&  ctrl+shift+q = I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

And then I just alternated as I felt like it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to .....

and I never allowed myself to really admit to myself what I was doing by using this shortcut. And I certainly didn't ask anyone else because then I would risk exposing what I didn't even want to admit to myself. That my little time saving SF shortcut was actually preventing me from moving through the self-forgiveness as an authentic self expression. And just as in process, moving slower is moving faster, and moving too fast is obviously slower in the long run.

So when I finally did muster the courage to ask my DIP buddy about this point, she laughed. Then I laughed too. She just confirmed what I already knew on a level within me where self-honesty was not yet functioning. This happened just over a month ago, and it's been actually a nice change. It might take me just a tad longer, but the quality of the SF statement has changed from a simple surface point (the kinds of points addressed when moving too fast through life), so a bit more specific and thorough (the ideal way to live, with common sense and self-honesty).

I needed to formalize this point above and had been meaning too since I had that chat with my buddy about it, but there were other points that I wanted to write about. I actually started getting backed up on so many points that I wanted to write about that I started a list of blogs to do, but after writing yesterday, I've decided to write about what's here, what comes up in a moment. And this automated SF shortcut was one of the first things that I had long ago placed on the list of blog topics to do, and I'm in "getting things on the list done" kind of mood these days. So now,

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to cover up and hide the fact that I was doing self-forgiveness on an automated level because I wanted a fast and easier way to do this tedious process. I see, realize and understand now that this entire process (not just self-forgiveness) has no fast and easier way. It's a simple equation of 1 + 1 + 1 ..., as a physical process of accumulation. A short cut is a mind thing...and oh my goodness how I could (and later will) expand on this....McDonalds...saving money...porn....you name it. So, I commit myself to continually remind myself to slow down and look at just one point at a time, and see all the movements and relationships that bring about a particular behavioral design.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to move fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to use the shortcut key combination program to quickly rush through the repetitive part of a self-forgiveness statement. In this I realize that I am not moving with the words as I type them, and the effectiveness of the words that I've automated is lost in a moment that never existed. I commit myself to type out each letter of my self-forgiveness statements, unless I have a clear, directive decision to read the statements out loud in the circumstance of structuring a sounding session.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to move fast and do multiple points in one blog, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I do not address all the points that come up within a single point at the same time, that I will lose the opportunity to do so. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the moment overnight while I am sleeping. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming overwhelmed with many/other points and thus become ineffective.

I forgive myself for becoming overwhelmed, and then accepting and allowing it.

When and as I see myself wanting to address multiple point in one blog, I stop I breathe. I realize that by slowing down and being thorough with just one point could take a lot more time than initially anticipated. I commit myself to being thorough with one point, and as other points come up, to jot down a note somewhere and come back to it in the next blog or whenever. I am the directive principle of self here.

I commit myself to write about the guilt realization within this, tomorrow.

photo credit

Day 232 - Work Ethic: Unplugged

How hard I work is a relative perception. As I began to see yesterday, I have been overestimating my work ethic for some time now. I have been working a sales/marketing job for the past 4 days, 8 hours a day, and it's pretty hardcore relative to having no job. What I've realized is how much work I am able to accomplish when I am really working. So far, the best part of this job was seeing this factor. Seeing exactly how valuable an hour of time is.

It's not a completely foreign concept and I've done some writing about this is the past, but the relative perceptual factor I hadn't really been aware of. When my environment is fast paced, I feel charged and motivated to do more work, and this is the climate of the work culture that is implemented through various "stay positive" techniques. Even when I was in school I was motivated with regard to seeing how much everyone around me was doing everyday.

So my question is: How do I determine my work ethic without relating to anyone around me? Why haven't I already figured this out?? I've taken for granted my external circumstances for a long time, to the point that I didn't ever realize the internal-external point of separation for the source of my motivation. This is interesting.

When I come back to this first question, the obvious answer is self-honesty, FYI. I can only determine how hard I work relative to how hard I can work within being honest with myself. What I've done over time is lose sight of how hard I can be working through a repetitive and varying dishonesty within self (a.k.a. excuse). And there is shame here. Will this shame be my internal source of motivation? It's better than no internal motivation. And quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of all the external motives that have pushed and pulled me everywhere throughout my life.

My internal sense of motivation needs an overhaul. And this is my journey. To examine my self-interested motives, find which are abusive to Life, which are supportive, stable, practical; and within this examination, I must rebuild my internal motivation so that it aligns with what is best for all.

This latter part has been my hang up because of the resistance code. I've coded myself to react to giant undertakings such would be rebuilding my motivation structure. The typical reaction is to become overwhelmed. I have used this excuse to do nothing countless times.

Boom. Key point found. If I am going to be stable within my work ethic, I can no longer be self-dishonest. I can no longer allow internal excuses and fluctuation external environments to determine my work ethic. It's time to take back control of me. Join me tomorrow for some practical self-forgiveness and corrective application.

pic: wikimedia commons

Day 209 - Moment by Moment, Through Resistance

...like these weeds from flickr

It's such a valuable life lesson. I've touched on it before but now I want to get it clear. Instead of getting overwhelmed by the entire workload and shutting down, it is to focus on just the one step at a time.

While I was outside pulling weeds, I had the thought that 'oh, this is going to take forever,' but I started anyways knowing that the only way it will get done is if I start doing it. Sometimes, the overwhelmingness overrides the common sense of just start working to get it all done. I have a bit of both in me and I see the contrasting orientations toward work in my parents. Mommy get frustrated and overwhelmed; Dad steps in to save the day with his "one bite at a time" philosophy. I flip flop depending on the day or type of work.

The bottom line is, I'm getting sick of struggling with resistance. It's a self-compromising allowance, and I'm going to hit every resistance point until I am stable in solidifying my decision of who I am in relation to completing my work. Thanks for the perspective Anu (20)!

Ok, so to the specific point of the evening. I want to capture the nature of this perspective shit, and move into related forgiveness (direction set :). There is an unclear attempt to conceptualize the whole. To quantify the whole. So when I am faced with some massive or tedious work, I try to fit it all into my brain and during that process, I give up. I become defeated by the extensiveness. "It's too much." And then I don't move to make any practical steps of completion. Quite silly, actually. This discouragement that arises out of trying to move to quickly through a process, IN MY HEAD, before I even start physically working on the task at hand.

Why is the inclination to capture the whole picture before starting? Ah, there is a key here.

This is why writing is so effective for the self-realization process. It gives the opportunity to conceptualize and quantify the bigger picture, AND THEN, one can process the realizations to produce real self-change. And here I am. I've been pushing through layers of resistance ever since I started this Blog. So easy to allow the overwhelmingness program to take over and shut me down. I say NO MORE!

(Just now, I went into the resistance, so obviously, this will not all happen all at once, as I repeatedly hope for it to work like that. I want each thing I look at to be fit into one moment, over and done. Instead of realizing/identifying with the step-by-step, moment by moment unraveling process, the tendency is to try to do it all, understand it all in just one moment. Mind.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to conceptualize and finish work before I start a physical process. In this I understand how I have been trying to "fit it all" in my head, with the excuse that only then can I start working on it. The past pattern is such that I give up in this stage of wanting to grasp all the steps or required work, and only when time constraints force me to work, do I physically do the work. So, I end up producing a lesser work, or rather a work that is not purely representative of my expression, because it is tainted with haste.

Within this self-forgiveness process, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay/resist my writing. I have been putting it off until the last moment because I do not want to actually face myself. I have not yet really stood up for myself purely, and it might be awhile before my motivation within this is pure. But simply allowing the repetitive procrastination to invade in on my process, not cool Dan. I commit myself to sort this out. What exactly does this entail? A plan. I can't continue to delay and pump out posts on a whim, and then hope to be successful. That's not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought "it's too much.."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within the thought "it's too much.."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that large/complex tasks are "too much," before I begin a physical process of discernment either through writing or taking the first few steps. I obviously can't trust myself to make decisions in my head. They are too biased by predictive programming as thought/feelings/emotions. Until I am stable in my application of or alignment with what's best for all, I commit myself to investigate through writing what is necessary within my decision to take on work in a moment.

When and as I see myself procrastinating, I stop I breathe. I realize who I am in that moment is making a statement that I am directed by my mind. I commit myself to standing up and directing myself from a clear starting point. OOoo, a key point that I see more clearly now.

Within my commitment statements and and self-forgiveness process in general, I am afraid that I will not be effective in producing real self-change. This is a struggle for many of the walking destonians, I'm sure. It is no more than another program of self-doubt. What I have just realized was the extent to which it is limiting me. And it's very related to this whole big picture/small step thing. The fashion of how it pops up varies, and specific forgiveness will be required for each...and yet there is another form of resistance, which is also tied in: the tendency to generalize and capture the whole thing all at once. Breathe.

A lot will come up as I investigate. I know this, yet I am still taken aback with the information overload sometimes.

When and as I see myself overloaded with information and trying to process it all at once, I stop I breathe. I realize that through writing, I am able to return and break down what I have written. I commit myself to diagramming my process. I've wanted to do this for awhile now, and now that I'm reaching a more serious level of application. It's time to start really making this a priority. I am figuring me out and I'd like to chart it visually. That's what I'll do.

When and as I see myself trying to fit the whole process into one moment of consideration, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can only move as fast as space-time will practically allow, so no more rushing in my head because that typically renders me useless as I give up before a practical step is taken. I commit myself to slowing down, pacing my process, and giving myself more time of day to work with myself in understanding who I am within my daily events.

Ok, getting to be kind of a long post. Thanks for reading.
The linked interview above is highly recommended for newer Destonians struggling with resistance.

Day 208 - Unplanned Dayz

Continuing from Yesterday

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sink into laziness when my day has not gone how I had imagined or intended it to go.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get back on track with one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my potential to get back on track again with one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try focusing on my breath when I become overwhelmed from being behind the ball.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and defeated when my day does not go according to plan, perpetuating the consequence for a much longer amount of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the familiar excuses and justifications for falling into laziness, instead of realizing who I am within my breathing and moving to write about these reoccurring excuses and justifications for being lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my justification process for being lazy is not new, not valid, and can be disintegrated by walking it through this process of release (self-forgiveness) and renewal (corrective application; living commitments).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I don't have enough energy' to write a post today. Thank Dan, I push myself to write each day, for through this daily JTL writing, I am discovering and releasing patterns like never before. To hell with resistance rendering me inert for the rest of my life.

--

When and as I see myself thinking that "the whole day is wasted" when I am off to a bad start, I stop I breathe. I realize that from my breath I can track why I ended up where I am now. I commit myself to utilizing this flag point: willingness to perpetuate a bad start into the rest of the day; to breathe and direct self to write about what (thought) processes lead me here.

When and as I see myself breathing and going straight back into the just prior thought pattern, I again stop and I breathe. From here, I realize that I must direct myself...and now I realize that without a solid sense of how/why I want to direct myself, it's real easy to go right back into the just prior thought pattern groove. I commit myself to practicing self-direction after each and every STOP & Breathe moment, until I am clear and stable within the process of redirecting the state of self.

When and as I see myself simply accepting the perpetuation of laziness, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not really how I want to spend my time. I am just within an energetic state of ease. I commit myself to no longer accepting the easy life as is. I realize that deprogramming myself will take serious work/effort/commitment. And so, I commit myself to this process of standing up within a breath, and moving from there within an action that is best for all.

When and as I see myself following along with my mentally pulsed excuses and justifications for being lazy in this moment, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am. I commit myself to taking all the necessary steps to end this habit of energetic, unplanned laziness. First, I must write about each thought. As I write, I will get more specific and my self-investigation will yield forgivable self-defining moments. This is the plan.

When and as I see myself feeling too lazy or mentally tired to write a post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is me actually resisting my process as a whole. I commit myself to keep investigating myself within the awareness of the present resistance.

Until I am no longer resisting, I am determined to figure out why, for the sake of letting go of whatever predictive programming I've accepted and allowed to move me for X amount of years. Yeah, here I am.

photo credit

Day 189 - Unintended Breath Departure

Or UBD for short, is basically when I have forgotten about my breath as I move into mind. This happens a lot, and most would say it's normal, "we all do it," or "it's human nature." Maybe so. I'm done with the preprogramed life style. Tired of the cycles of thoughts and reactions. So, to be practical about this, I must walk it all out point by point.

I'm going to focus on the most significant point I dug up the past two days. Yesterday, I sadly noticed how I've been walking process through this confirmation orientation. Very related to my externalized self-definition system, I've been kind of walking my process from the perspective of others. Now, this isn't super new. I realized it in Day 179 and several other days. The reason I say "sadly," and in general have self-frustration toward this topic of Not walking process for self, is because I've realized this before and even written SF on the point. This also came up the past two days: becoming angry at self for not succeeding in pattern-system removal on the first try.

This, and many other points related to resistance and internal self-definitions/relationships are still in the works. I've been in a routine of just writing about whatever comes up, the problem with that being how I've just been skimming the surface, delaying the self-honest self-forgiveness as I give into the resistance feelings and run to a more comfortable state of being. So with a breath and a new perspective, I write from me to me for me. Enjoy the read.

[Note: I am expanding the process of organizing these timely points in my side journal, so I do not get overwhelmed (fear of lostness) by them, and will have a plan for writing myself to freedom, one point at a time.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write for validation, placing my self-definition externally, as I write for approval and only through feedback do I see myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instantly doubt myself, finding that I only trust what I can see of myself in others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself. ...Long pause here, as I go into all kinds of alterations and thinking that I should change the title so it'd be more relevant to this topic. Ahhh, it's so cool how I see myself not trusting myself while this aspect just intensifies, and I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can trust myself. Also funny that while writing about this one point, I am having many UBD's as I get side-tracked by my thoughts. Ahaha, now it's relevant again, and it stays :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow prolonged UBD's, forgetting to breathe and focus. And within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at myself and fear not being able to regain control of my directed attention, not realizing self is just a breath away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take a breath before every statement of forgiveness.
--
When and as I see myself writing in a flow where I have forgotten about me, here, within and as my breathing application, I stop I breathe. I realize that to start from breath is a point of stability. I commit myself to breathe through my self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself within self-doubt thought from over-analyzing my words, trying to consider multiple others' potential perspectives, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a very habitually ingrained thought-behavior. I commit myself to not get discouraged when and as I see myself anxoius with potential judgment.

When and as I see myself within a UBD for any length of time, I stop I breathe. And from this breath, I make a decision to refocus on the initial task, or an agreement to go with the departure and return to the initial task in a reasonable amount of time.

When and as I see myself doubting that I can trust myself within my writing application, I stop I breathe. I realize I am always only a breath away from me, here. I commit myself to keep breathing. I commit myself to breathe when I am overwhelmed with thought.

Consciousness is extensive. Breath is stable. Let's do this! @ Desteni I Process

Related articles

• Day 188 - Finding My Breath
• Day 169 - Got to get here quick! pt.5

Day 180 - Attempting to do Too Much at Once

Wow! OK. So, when I drink coffee, especially, I try to do lots of things at once. What ends up happening is a multitude of distractions and side tasks that commence, and I often take much longer to get to what I intended to do from the beginning. This is delay/procrastination, but also an ADD-like symptom of needing to always be doing something. Also, I see avoidance in how I took 3 hours doing side-tasks before I finally got to sit and write about this very design playout. Interesting how every time I face a point in me, it becomes intensified, as if to make it more clear for myself or become discouraged and submissive to it. Ah ha!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become discouraged and submissive when a personality design becomes accentuated and intensified as I begin to examine it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from particular personality designs and places them as greater and more powerful than myself, and so I submit.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as one and equal with each personality design that's amalgamated within me.
--
So this is kind of a big, primary design for me. I wrote about it on Day 2! The point of multitasking...I find that it mostly begins because of a lack of patience or willingness to wait even a single moment. If I'm not doing something I need to be doing something. Anxious to be efficient.

In the moment I make a decision to act, sometimes I don't even allow myself the time to commence. I just have another thought and move on that one. I've dealt with this for a long time, so it's no wonder that I'm still struggling with this point. It's pervasive and intrusive...and here I am separating myself from "it" again, apparently.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my anxious personality in separation of myself where I perceive it as more than, or in control of, me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself as this anxious character.
--
So, what will it take to stay focused? Ah, yes. There is a notable fear of forgetfulness. It's like I'm consumed by fear that I'll forget the new, secondary task, so mindlessly, I start doing that to get it done or at least started. The problem is that this can happen repeatedly and before I know it, I've not even started the primary intention/task and several hours have past by.

pic credit

I get overwhelmed just thinking about trying to get myself habitually on track and focused. It's not been my favored mode of existence, since...(1st memory to mind) doing math in the third grade. I enjoyed the concentration and simplicity and competitiveness to be done with my problem set first. So what's the difference (heheh, like subtraction) between my attention cohesion then and now?

I think that the key component to this equation is perceived simplicity/complexity. Rudimentary math has a clear answer, while this self-purification process seems highly complex. In reality, it may be extensive and quite involved, but the solution is simple: Self-honesty and self-forgiveness. Hmm, why then does self-change seem so hard to do? I could come up with a ton of reasons, but they're all just excuses...fascinating.
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive process from the perspective of difficulty instead of breathing and realizing that I MUST walk one point at a time, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not remember to do the secondary tasks, and that I have not allowed myself to simply write it down and bring my focus back to the primary task.

That is the key. If all I did was commit myself to write down what comes to mind and act only within the direction that I have already set out for myself, I will have overcome this tendency to allow the mind to direct me. This is too extensive for one commitment to be simply stated. I have more to explore before I can seriously commit myself to this application. I do not want to create a bunch of compounding consequence of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to uphold my commitments, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to make a commitment from an energetic starting point instead of investigating and clearing the relationship(s) to make a stable choice of self-direction that stands throughout all of time.
--
When and as I see myself moving from task to task, within and before completing my primary task, I stop I breathe. I realize this is my mind within an avoidance/ADD pattern. I commit myself to recognizing and becoming well acquainted with this dimension of myself. When and as it becomes unbearable, I remember to breathe. I understand what it is to be the self-directive principle. I commit myself to writing where & why I allow secondary tasks to commence with a dismissal of my previous & primary direction.

For the most part, I am still opening up my relationship to "Attention Deficit Disorder" (not that I actually think I have a "disorder" that needs treatment in the form of pills. I have the tools of self-forgiveness and breath to help me focus and permanently change my attitude/attention as my work ethic). Chipping away, one bite at a time, no more running, here I go! :)

Day 177 - Trying to Hide

Desteni Artwork by Andrew Gable

If I wasn't so committed within myself to write everyday, I wouldn't be here writing this right now. I've been looking for distractions as if I was going crazy...I think I am crazy, and I'm just starting to really see it. I've been accepting and allowing myself to run and hide from myself most of today. What's fascinating me is that I've been doing this for a much longer time than just today. It's scary to think about. It invokes shame, regret, disappointment...

There seems to always be more, but even within this statement, I am holding myself back from the specific facing of each point through a design of saying "too much for me to see clearly" (in between the lines), and so warrant myself to give up on myself. This is some bullshit. I no longer allow this self-abuse to continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I've been giving up on myself within the thought that there is too much to be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and disengage when faced with an apparent circumstance where too much is at play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to fear and run from what's practically here when it seems like too much to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to breathe and return to myself here, realizing that the feeling of too much is simply another reaction of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my reactions toward responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to escape from my reactions, not realizing that they are just compounding and becoming accentuated within and through delay.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for what I've allowed, not realizing how this anger is a reaction that isn't best for all. With the anger, I hold myself back from being effective within anything. Within the breathing application, I stabilize and direct myself as an equal and one participant with life in doing what's best for all.I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not do what's best for me in every moment. I realize this is a process of becoming aware of my physical body through and as breathing, and so I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to run from my problems.

Temporary solutions are not solutions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is permissible to just try to cover up and hide my allowances within self. This is unacceptable. Take a look at the whole picture. How does this moment's action contribute to the whole/end game? Wasting my time with media and distractions is not much different than using drugs and alcohol. I am trying to hide that I am running from my problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and hide from myself that I am trying to run and hide from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from myself in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not remember to breathe and direct myself in alignment with what is best for me and all. Until this is the dominant habit of my living expression, I write. I write my experience, share it with the world (because that's cool), and I face each and every inner dynamic of my being until I am wholly aligned with the best for all principle. Any thing less than best for all is not what I want.

Basically, it's time to grow up and become responsible for every aspect of myself. This is my mission. This is what I will wake up with in mind. I commit myself to stop running from my responsibility toward myself and all. I commit myself to stop trying to hide that I am hiding/running. I commit myself to practically applying myself within these words.

When and as I see myself trying to run, then trying to hide that I'm running, then try to hide that I'm hiding that I'm running, I stop I breathe. I realize that getting angry with myself is only another mental friction that I have also been trying to hide. I commit myself to stop hiding, running, and reacting toward the running and hiding with anger that I have tried to hide.

When and as I see myself within the experience of too much and move to run/hide this, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not effectively circumventing the situation as it simply compounds/delays the consequence. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see this pattern earlier, and for getting angry at myself for not having seen this pattern earlier.

Until here and no further, I commit myself to stop delaying without concern or consideration for the sum total of consequences that I am accumulating through postponement.

I commit myself to walking the multiple dimensions of this delay character that finds it permissible to postpone the inevitable facing of myself here. Because I am compromising what I can make of myself with every moment that I throw away in repetitive patterns of self-abuse.

I commit myself to breathe. Keep breathing. Keep moving.

I realize this isn't an overnight process, and while it may take some time to sort this all our for myself, this is not to be used as an excuse for further delay. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use this realization of non-instant self-transformation as an excuse to procrastinate. I commit myself to keep getting back up and on track within each and every breath. Write.

Day 173 - Delving into my mind's favorite escapes

Continuing from Day 172 - Glazing Over & Day 171 - Zoned Out Episodes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I depart into a day dream.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that is it ok/harmless to wander off into my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that zoning out can be a beneficial recharge for the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become intrigued and invested in my mental wanderings, believing that it is warranted/justifiable because the end result may lead to a positive experiences of insight/realization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move from physical task, to physical task without realizing the mental spacing out that happens in between, where I blindly follow along. I have referred to this process as side-tracking or "tangenting."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated with myself for getting side tracked instead of realizing how I became side tracked within self-honesty and stopping the mind's desire to automatically wander on to the next interesting/enjoyable thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to unintentionally prioritize mental escapes when faced with work/resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is difficult to remain here and always present, and for allowing myself to use this as an excuse to give in to the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to just zone out because it's easy and not tasking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect spacing out & comfortable/easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect breathing in physical awareness & difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to space out when listening to another speak. Within this, I forgive myself that I allow myself to become more fascinated with my own thoughts and/or fear not responding well. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear just being myself when in conversation with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being present and with my breath because I could get hurt when doing physical activities while participating in a mental augment/adventure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider myself within each breath that I take. This will be a process, and while I keep coming back to my breath, I commit myself to working through and facing all self-created points of fear that may stand in my way to self-realization, here.

I commit myself to recognizing and stopping a mental tangent escapade as quickly as I can. Within this, I commit myself to investigate why I was so fascinated to begin following my mind into the abyss in the first place to be able to effectively apply self-forgiveness for that point.

When and as I see myself resisting a task I have planned to do, I stop I breathe. I realize this is the point where I allow my mind to wander and distract me. I commit myself to not get overwhelmed within trying to stop this by remembering the simplicity of the self-assistance tool of taking a breath.

When and as I see myself faced with work, moving toward a distraction, and becoming overwhelmed with my choice to follow the distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have repeatedly been disabling myself from effectively bringing myself back on track within not realizing that the experience of overwhelmed/too difficult is just another allowed mental outflow of a relationship I have not yet explored in detail. This is a key. The key is and has been breathing. I stop, I breathe. I see my mind moving me. I stop. I, I breathe. I continue to breathe and direct myself with intention. I commit myself to stopping all emotional movements. I commit myself to not get angry at/toward self when I accidentally allow myself to participate within/from emotion, not realizing that anger is yet another equal, reactive emotional experience of mind participation.

When and as I see myself enthused with my own thinking when conversing with others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have not wanted to give this up, and will require to continually assess why/where I place value in my thinking processes that are in separation from physical space-time. I commit myself to continue my mental-self investigation.

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Day 170 - Got to get here quick! pt.6 - Others

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to try to force others to see the merit of walking the process of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am doing the good thing by telling others what they should do, not realizing the importance of walking process for self alone and how other's must walk it for themselves alone, too.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have bee stealing the moment of self-realization away from others by imposing what I think is the realization for them in their context, where I'm only really providing a solution that isn't considering everything, and so it fuels their drive to debate/argue/find their own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak my impulsed thoughts without considering what's here in the context of all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to ignore by breath and follow the energetic rise within me as "thought + feeling of right -> speaking it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe and investigate the reactions within me in how they relate to who I am / where I am in process of discovering self as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to help others before I've helped myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "if only I get a bunch of others to join desteni, then I've been a worthy contribution and my my application of myself is not as important."

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I've justified my advocacy character of placing others before self, and equated self as less, and so not worth my time.

This is a cool realization. The math of it looks like this: I am 1 person, but up against 10 others, I am less. Here, I did not realize oneness and equality, where 1 = all, so I = 10 others. Or 10 others is equal to my process. Only in limitation of separation am I able to hide as 1 up against 10, where 10-1 = 9 and is an overwhelming majority, and so justify not having to do work. :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in overwhelmingness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as equal with all. Each one is the all, and all is all, so all = 1. No separation. So I could say that if I don't walk process, no one walks process. And so, I commit myself to walking process for me alone (because alone = all one).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I cannot change others nor is it my responsibility to change others outside of me. If I stand in separation of another, I am out of line in trying to change them, where I am basically robbing them of their opportunity to self-realize, delaying process as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am prolonging process by trying to be help others before I help myself. I commit myself to STOP this in one moment, repeatedly.

When and as I see myself attempting to solve another's problems within a hasty mental grasping of the the problem outside of myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that it is their responsibility to solve their own problems as they choose. I commit myself to attempting to only solve my own problems and assist others only when I am one and equal with the solution, and not trying to solve their issue from a self-interested starting point within separation (essentially, trying to prove to myself and other that I am smart and able to quickly solve new problems)

When and as I see myself justifying my impulse to help others with problems because I think they will move faster...oh snap, I've been doing this for a long time...justifying my egoistic aide...I stop this, I breathe. I now realize that I am not helping, and rather, I am not helping myself when I should be. I see how I am compromising self and other by standing in separation and not truly seeing myself or other as I just speak as.within the energetic impulse thought of reaction. I commit myself to turning back to myself within any and all charges/reactions toward other's problems.

When and as I see myself feeling praise or looking for praise in solving another's issues, I stop I breathe. I realize that WHEN ASKED, I can help if I understand the entire context and simply share my perspective without seeking praise. I commit myself to recognizing when an answer results in a positive feeling within me, and I commit myself to then investigate what my relationships are within that context to see where I have defined myself in limitation. I commit myself to forgive all self-definitions of separation that charge beliefs of who I am in relation to others. If I learn to be a mechanic, then I obviously will know more about something than someone else, but this is no longer accepted to charge my belief that I am separate and more than. Different and equal will come to define my evolution this year.

When and as I see myself in allowance of the movement of becoming overwhlemed, I stop I breathe. There is no excuse. I am not the energy of overwhelmed. I am not the victim of energy. I am stable. I am here. I am this physical existence and equally my mind.

So, I welcome my mind to assist and support me. I no longer accept and allow myself to be moved by the mind without consideration. I will investigate all points of self in relation to oneness and equality. Until it is done.

When and as I see myself in separation of another, within reactive speech, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am following a mentally impulsed thought based on memories. I commit myself to the correction process that will take much work, by following each thought-impulse back into myself to discover the source of the program within me, forgive myself for creating it, either directly or by conditioned allowance, and walk the change as the expression of my self-willed self-direction within the common sense alignment of what's best for all.

When and as I see myself as less, I stop I breathe. I realize there are an extensive amount of circumstances where this applies. I commit myself to investigating all of them.

When and as I see myself stealing an opportunity of self-realization from another, I stop I breathe. I reconsider who I am in relation to the point. I commit myself to speaking from a breath, rather than a thought. I commit myself to doing self-forgiveness for whenever I follow/become/express a thought as me, so that I may ultimately realize myself as the breath of the physical.

Enough. I've had enough writing and I bet you had enough reading (unless you just skipped to the end).

Tomorrow I will check my relationship to haste and close this series, unless, of course, it needs more attention. Thanks.

P.S. Today's focus topic was determined yesterday but written after listening to Cats 3, and this particular interview certainly influenced the realizations written above. I recommend this interview.

free use photo from flikr

Day 115 - Fearing the breakdown

A consistent theme I'm finding in my Journey to Life is being afraid to tackle the tough points. I feel like I just want this to be done without having to actually get down and dirty. The points that I have spent a lot time compounding within me, like biting my nails and any prolonged habit, are scary to face. Why? Because I fear the complexity. I fear not being able to be successful with one powerful blow. And I fear not getting validation for my efforts as immediate success.

Phew.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to have instant gratification within my efforts, such that I fear even trying when my chance of success isn't certain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing the complexity within and as me, not realizing that I must take this process slowly and thoroughly, point by point, one bite at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get overwhelmed by a heavily compounded point, such as nail biting and other long term habits, and through this overwhelmed feeling, shy away from facing the point because I don't believe that can take it on yet. Delay is in here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone working through a 'large' point because I allow anxiousness to direct my beliefs that I must address the entirety of a point within one blog post, or even one self-forgiveness statement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will fail or forgive myself wrongly, and so back down and wait until I am more able.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am less than able to do what needs to be done, and not realize that I am just experiencing resistance to letting go, through self-forgiveness, of the patterns that I have allowed to define who I think I am for an extended period of time.

I commit myself to facing the resistance I experience within seemingly large points by just starting to write, and continuing as the point opens up. Taking that first step is essential.

When and as I see myself fearing that I won't be effective, I stop I breathe. I realize that this fear is actually keeping me from being effective. I commit myself to pushing through the resistances to face myself and when I shy away from writing publicly, I shall write the point out for myself first.

I commit myself to realizing that I can't walk this process in one step, and I no longer allow this as an excuse to not walk at all.

I commit myself to red flagging the experience of overwhelmed. Here, I stop I breathe. Begin writing.

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Day 99 - Stopping the whirlwind

Swirling and spiraling around in energy polarities is an ingrained habit. In my past, I've just turned away from what I couldn't understand, allowing the fluctuation to take me wherever. This is the opening of my self-honest approach to ending the creation of my experience. I can simply experience life without playing up the energy interpretations, and that is what I commit myself to doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lost or believe that I am lost within the ebb and flow of familiar patterns of feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in the future and so acting in accordance with two separate versions of myself. This causes conflicts when I'm not being honest with myself and others through the realization of the continuity and connectedness of myself here, then, and to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from physical work by going off into the clouds of my head in an attempt to think myself to success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can think my way to greatness, and so fall into the habit of dodging/avoiding real responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my secret mind and not realize that this act of hiding is self-dishonest. To be honest with myself and others had been too easily overlooked/dismissed. Absolute, unconditional self-honesty. This is my priority, the new frame work from which I will assess my actions, thoughts, feelings and emotions. If it is unclear, I commit myself to sort it out within writing.

When and as I see myself using my secret mind to create a perception or experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that without thinking to create meaning or make sense, I can rely on the self-honest common sense that is present without cognitive effort. I commit myself to bring myself back the the stability of my breathing, here, when I get lost in my thoughts to the breaking point. I commit myself to push through the fears and face them all, in walking this process with self-honesty. Moving from fear, is vastly different than moving from here.

All for one and one for all, I move myself into the necessary points that must be taken care of. I commit myself to myself, here.

I commit myself to careful consideration of all points, and not just going with the flow of personal 'evolution' through fear pushes.

I commit myself to take responsibility in the physical accomplishing of what I set out to create

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself spiraling into a whirlwind of thought.

I will continue to face this point of letting go of my internal experience creations, and slow it all down to find the starting points. In this, I commit myself to seeking these points earnestly and walking the process of writing myself to freedom.