Day 355 - Specifying Clear Direction

I recommend reading yesterday's post: Day 354 - Being Clear and Direct  for context here,

Today I asked myself "what am I missing?" I am looking for solutions to my not doing what I really need to do. The procrastination system is so ingrained that even as I see it, I still don't make the decision to stop the pattern and do what is best. Now, typically asking this question threatens the system and my mind goes into being overwhelmed or just coming up with any diversion to not face the reality of my physical (in)action. Why is this?..also a great question. I fear failure on many dimensions and it runs deep. That's one of the reasons I perpetuate my bad habits, because if I commit to stop and then don't, I fail. Thus a commitment places me in a place of vulnerability through my specific definition of what 'failure' means. It's got a negative charge, my ego has a positive charge (perfection, flawless), and I can't maintain that ego illusion if I takes risks of failure.

Interestingly, without taking any of these risks, I'll surely fail. You know how it goes:

"You can't succeed if you don't try." - everyone
"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." Theodore Roosevelt

That point is clear. What else am I missing? All that is coming up right now are the various dimension related to fear of failure. A perspective shift has to happen, and as I imagine myself moving without fear of failure, the point of allowing myself to be vulnerable is emphasized. Damn, I hate being vulnerable. That has to go. I'm limiting myself through a desire to be strong that I have placed in the hands of others perceptions of me. Meaning, I have long been defining myself by how I perceived others perceive me. Sometimes it was pure self-judgement (typically negative), and other times it was actual feedback from others (mostly positive)...That's an interesting dynamic in itself.

So what do I mean with 'Specifying Clear Direction'? My goal is to clarify the process of self-direction. By being ultra-specific with myself, I leave myself no backdoors. I am clear on all the relevant points of moving myself in a specific direction. I could produce 100 sentences using these 3 words to ensure that I am direct about specific clarity, but I'm going to allow some physical application and feedback happen while I patiently participate in the space-time continuum. For now, I commit myself to practice different forms of planning and investigating the what and how of individual task so that I am prepared to plan. BUT, importantly, it's not just about planning. The real meat is the execution. It's just to recognize that when execution isn't stable and consistent, that I must take a step back and introspect a little: "what am I missing?"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get locked into a perspective that I know what I'm doing, while simultaneously not showing it. All back and no bite, as they say. I'm done barking. I commit myself to start going straight to the bite, and when I hesitate, I investigate whats going on inside of me.

"He who hesitates is lost." - My Dad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking risks that could compromise my picture perfect self-concept that my ego has accumulated to be over the years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating within and as my ego. This must stop. Expanding my perspective to be able to see how my actions ultimately support what is best for all is not possible if I am stuck fighting to identify myself through, as and within ego. I commit myself to self-honestly exposing my ego-workings to myself so that I may continue accumulating the self-trust that is necessary to flow with clarity in my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be vulnerable in allowing myself to try new things, express myself without concern for how others may judge me, do something that might not work, create something that isn't perfect. Obviously there are several points related to my invincible character, and I commit myself to opening it all up and to start giving myself the space to fail, and experiment, and live free of fear of judgment, as am in the process of standing up and living by the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be extremely specific and clear with myself when determining my direction. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk myself through all the necessary points of understanding to be able to direct myself effectively, yielding physical movements that contribute to a specific goal. I commit myself to move myself through these practical guidelines that I've laid out for myself through today's writing. Until I am effectively contributing my daily efforts to what is best for life, I commit myself to investigating all of the finer details of myself, to remove the limited scope self-interest, and replace it with comprehensive consideration, a.k.a. common sense.

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Day 332 - Getting To the REAL Point

My process so far has felt a bit "at a distance" from myself. Why? I've been protecting myself from my internal thoughts. The notion of exposing my inner thoughts, letting go of the charge of secrecy, sharing my true inner movements with the world = some scary shit to do. Why? Responsibility.

Skipping around on the surface with general points is a pattern I recognized earlier on. I only opened that point up Day 248, but I realize now how much more attention this needs. To be specific within myself takes a lot of guts. More than I had initially realized. When I started this process, I was kind of in the frame of mind of "yeah, 'best for all', I get it. I agree" with an attitude of just sign me up for the ride. As if I could just buy a ticket to the entrance of a theme park and throw myself into a pre-designed experience.

Now, I've made it to the farm. I'm actually here with the original Destonians, and when I ask for some support, it is no new-age fluff. That's for damn sure. For instance, when chatting with Bernard, he asserts his communication in a way that doesn't allow you to formulate some "nicer" interpretation of what's really going on in the head. In retrospect to our chat, I see how apparent it really is to see myself stray from my original mental movement. There is a delay between what comes up first in the mind when asked a question, and the process of selecting an interpretation to hide one's original reaction.

What I've learned, from this is that I'm reluctant to be self-honest about my internal reality because I am embarrassed. I don't want to even admit to myself what's going on in my head. Even now, I am so wrapped up in wanting to dance around the real points going on in me. To push through this resistance is going to be a challenge worth while. Why?

If I continue to resist myself as a mess of internal reaction, these reactions will persist. I will remain as the unchanged, victim of my mind. To actually take responsibility for what is going on in me is the name of the game. With an understanding that 'this' is me, my thoughts are me, I am able to make a decision with clarity. It's not an instantaneous thing. It is a process of looking at myself without interpreting my thought/feelings/reactions in a way to benefit my ego, which I apparently like to do very much, but to write it out, really see where I am coming from, forgive myself for the SPECIFIC points that I've been holding onto.

What's interesting is that I don't want to face these points. I would prefer my secret mind to stay secret, as I'm sure you could imagine. But frankly, even though I'm Dan ;) I must direct me, to be free. I'm really not enjoying all the repetitive mental push-pull bull. I can temporarily deny myself the truth of myself, but for what purpose? The point is just going to return. Until I have understood myself in relation to that point and actually live the self-corrected application, the point will not be transcended.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that the process of self is just another automatic system that only requires a 'yes' as my total responsibility herein.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed by who I've become. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that taking responsibility for the points that exist within me would make me less. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I do not give attention to or suppress the nasty thoughts inside me, that I am better off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself in separation of my thoughts, that I am safe from them if I can hide them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to protect myself from shame and embarrassment by temporarily hiding the truth of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bail out and return to the surface when the rush of embarrassment energy floods my experience. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to run from myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can effectively cover up my inner thoughts and live a life of managing and fighting the specific backchat and inner personality dynamics.

I commit myself to stand up and push myself through the necessary writing, to realize myself, and to ultimately change myself through living as the directive principle of my life, of life.

In posts to come I'll be working more closely with myself. I do not allow myself to go on wasting time, walking around the forest. I move me, or I react. When and as I see myself reacting to my reaction, I stop I breathe. I realize the correction is not some distant, "Harry Potter" type of solution. I commit myself to discovering and understanding what it means to take responsibility and really live the correction.

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Day 308 - Intending to Wake Up

Last night when I was intending to write about 'intention', I was feeling a bit tired and intended to rest for a moment. Indeed, I rested for just long enough to have to skip writing a post that night. This brings up several points, but I'm just focusing on a particular aspect of intention: lack of doing.

When I had intended to wake up in a bit, to direct myself responsibly, later, I relinquished the moment to an unspecified future. I gave up my moment. This in itself isn't terrible, but everything going on within it is a brand of habit forming self-compromise that is not cool. It was like I was deliberately lying to myself so I could temporarily escape my responsibility.

I could apply this issue of intention without doing in many areas of my daily living - which I intend to do...

Ok, by taking a look at this, I see that I haven't specifically planned out how or when I will address these "many [undefined] areas" where I am able to stand up and move myself vs. intending, thinking, delaying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place tasks within intention, not realizing that I'm actually avoiding them through a string of justification of delay. Regardless of whether or not I need to do it right away, I am giving up that moment to do nothing better. I am not making effective self-agreements.

So, to get working at full strength, I need to be clear, explicit, direct, specific with myself and my intentions. Especially the starting point! Why must I set an intention and not act now? What is the 'better' use of my time in this moment? Can I apply self-forgiveness on this point and create an internal stability from which to decide and prioritize the use of my time here?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to feel like it's so difficult to be clear, explicit, direct and specific with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this feeling and not be clear, stable and direct with myself when the feeling comes up.

Defining this feeling: not now ex. "I don't want to" / (sigh)"really, why do it" / (tilt head to side)"I don't have enough energy [to face myself] right now" / "I can't. I am unable (for some reason that isn't clear/stable)."

The feeling lacks self-agreement and the willingness to establish it because so doing would nullify the feeling. This mind design stuff is so intriguing. Who can crack the code? I can crack the code! haha

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be clear, direct, stable and specific with myself and my intentions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize intention to escape having to be responsible for myself in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the necessity of self-responsibility externally, as in feeling like I owe it to someone other than myself to be self-responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why I want to be responsible for myself in every moment. This would entail just living within self-agreements. I am not trying to perpetuate this internal conflict of intention vs. action, no. I am here to practice and develop a stable and effective self-application. To be self-honest.

I could go on for days. I just had a mini stress temper tantrum while trying to think about how to direct my writing next, and what to write about tomorrow and when. I stopped and I breathed. I realize that I'm only as effective as I am in this moment - which is the primary motivation to stop reckless, paranoid intention. I get paranoid that something's not right or won't be right, and then I become lost in the future - like a slow chess player that thinks too many moves ahead because he's afraid of / intimidated by his opponent.

I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath when I start to feel a need to set an intention. Future tasks that are not able to be immediately directed in some way, probably do not need my attention.

I commit myself to asking the questions: "Why?" and "What triggered my intention program?" When I find that a paranoia or some form of self-interest comes up in my answer, I commit myself to apply self-forgiveness in that moment...

Click. I understand another perspective of "living commitment" now. Instead of intending to apply self-forgiveness in some distant future when some uncertain point comes up, I make a living commitment, a lasting choice of how I will live a specific moment whenever it comes up. How does that expression go?...googling..."The devil's in the details."

Well then, I invite myself to face the devil, because letting the details slide by without attention is making my life a living hell. I can't trust myself if I am not going to be intimately specific with myself. I commit myself to assist and support myself in bringing my attention to the details and no longer skating through life just based on how I feel in that moment.

Thanks. Check out these other related JTL posts (that I read prior to writing today):

http://kaitleeprocess.blogspot.com/2013/05/intent-i-didnt-mean-to-day-44.html

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-400-paranoia-of-intent.html

Day 281 - Application Preparation

Elaborating on my post yesterday: Day 280 - Why I Write

In my previous post I explained the current purpose/intention of my writing here as a method of self-support. By answering the questions: Who am I within my writing? What is the reason? What is the experience of myself when I initiate my writing? I can discover for myself the motivation to write myself here. Upon reflecting on my post yesterday, I found that I wandered off into the delay point a bit, and I missed a specific aspect of my reason for writing: Application Prep!

Answering these questions again: Who am I within my writing? I am directing myself to understand and clarify my purpose and motivation. What is the reason? Self-Support. What is the experience of myself when I initiate my writing? Aiming for specificity and thoroughness.

map it out!                 cc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my ultimate goal within my Journey to Life writing, is to build a foundation of support as external reference for myself, and others, to see, realize and understand what's being accepted and allowed within and as Self, and to bring forth that understanding when applicable in real-time living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write for the sake of anything other than the eventual living application of the insight and realizations I come to within my self-supportive writing.

When and as I see myself writing just to write, I stop I breathe. I realize that I've likely delayed my self-supportive writing process through not having this one point of the purpose of my writing affirmed. I commit myself to plan time for effective self-supportive writing. I am glad I wandered of into delay yesterday, or I may have not made this connection between delay as an outflow of writing for an external purpose.

Now, all of this writing will only do me any good if I can live it. Thus, I commit myself to constantly investigate where and why my living application is not in alignment with my understanding, insight, realizations that I arrive at through my writing process.

When and as I see myself anxious or worried that I cannot really live my self-realizations from within my writings, I stop I breathe. I realize this as just another mental gymnastic causing resistance to self-change. I commit myself to really breathe and not let this particular resistance stop me from pursuing self-perfection through writing realizations and practicing living them until I simply live the realization.

Join in on this writing process to investigate yourself and build your own platform of self-support. By doing so, you will support others as well. You may find that you get overwhelmed with many different resistance experiences. Stop. Breathe. Who are you in relation to writing yourself to freedom?..

Want to write about it? :)

Day 248 - General Specificity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being over general with my self-investigation in a way that is akin to "BSing" school work or "fluff writing."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define generalized writing as bad because it isn't specific enough to be really effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a generalized writing form can serve as necessary, initial stepping stones in my Journey to Life process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving no where and making no progress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my efforts are futile, not realizing that by allowing this fear to direct me, I create and manifest the effect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not dedicate more time, earlier in the day, to my writing and investigation process, leaving me with no choice but to whip out a quickie at the end of the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only write the generalized dimension of a single point and then move on faster than I can realize what I've begun to discover.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disinterested in the specifics of a single point because it isn't as easy as the flow of an initial opening/discovery writing form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the specific dimensions of writing as 'hard' and 'too difficult' where I do not even allow myself to try going deeper.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing in relation to self-change if I write within depth and specificity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the opportunity to try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if I fall, I can try again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the design of fearing to fail is keeping me from trying, keeping my from falling, and keeping me from getting back up and becoming stronger, and thus, fearing to fail = failing.
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When and as I see myself writing a generalized, surface level dimension of a point, I realize that this is just the first stage, and to not fear my inability to bring the point through a specific and thorough writing investigation. Here, I stop I breathe. I commit myself to writing about what comes up in a moment and when it's a point that I have already written on, I commit myself to reading and rediscovering within the prior post, how can I go deeper, what have I missed.

When and as I see myself wanting to just get by with a simple, easy, general post at that end of the day, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am compromising myself through a subtle emotional outflow of self-defeatist backchat that I haven't explored. I commit myself to stand up and stop the self-abuse through the realization of who I am in a moment with the application of my breathing awareness.

When and as I see myself fearing that I am not being specific enough and/or not going deep enough into a single point and thus through that, fearing that I am wasting my time writing fluff, I stop I breathe. I realize that fear is not benefiting me, and through that realization, I commit myself to conducting immediate, vocalized self-forgiveness on the fear before it becomes an outflow of inaction and self-limitation.

When and as I see myself wanting to run away from my blog because I fear not being able to produce a quality post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is the moment of truth, so to speak. This is my chance to push through fear/resistance and not allow myself to be directed by it in a way that yields what I fear. I commit myself to identifying all points of fear, ESPECIALLY within the general dimension, so that I may gain clarity on what is moving me. From there, I commit myself to push through the fear and resistance of going deeper so that I may flow within the specifics of process as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot flow within the specific, thorough and more difficult dimensions simply because I haven't been able to nor have I given myself the time to practice my depth/specificity writing.
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When and as I see myself fall, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can get up after a fall. I realize that I do not have to define myself as a failure because of this fall. I commit myself to standing back up and doing whatever it takes to press forward.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Here I am.

Day 208 - Unplanned Dayz

Continuing from Yesterday

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sink into laziness when my day has not gone how I had imagined or intended it to go.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get back on track with one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my potential to get back on track again with one breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try focusing on my breath when I become overwhelmed from being behind the ball.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and defeated when my day does not go according to plan, perpetuating the consequence for a much longer amount of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the familiar excuses and justifications for falling into laziness, instead of realizing who I am within my breathing and moving to write about these reoccurring excuses and justifications for being lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my justification process for being lazy is not new, not valid, and can be disintegrated by walking it through this process of release (self-forgiveness) and renewal (corrective application; living commitments).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I don't have enough energy' to write a post today. Thank Dan, I push myself to write each day, for through this daily JTL writing, I am discovering and releasing patterns like never before. To hell with resistance rendering me inert for the rest of my life.

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When and as I see myself thinking that "the whole day is wasted" when I am off to a bad start, I stop I breathe. I realize that from my breath I can track why I ended up where I am now. I commit myself to utilizing this flag point: willingness to perpetuate a bad start into the rest of the day; to breathe and direct self to write about what (thought) processes lead me here.

When and as I see myself breathing and going straight back into the just prior thought pattern, I again stop and I breathe. From here, I realize that I must direct myself...and now I realize that without a solid sense of how/why I want to direct myself, it's real easy to go right back into the just prior thought pattern groove. I commit myself to practicing self-direction after each and every STOP & Breathe moment, until I am clear and stable within the process of redirecting the state of self.

When and as I see myself simply accepting the perpetuation of laziness, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not really how I want to spend my time. I am just within an energetic state of ease. I commit myself to no longer accepting the easy life as is. I realize that deprogramming myself will take serious work/effort/commitment. And so, I commit myself to this process of standing up within a breath, and moving from there within an action that is best for all.

When and as I see myself following along with my mentally pulsed excuses and justifications for being lazy in this moment, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am. I commit myself to taking all the necessary steps to end this habit of energetic, unplanned laziness. First, I must write about each thought. As I write, I will get more specific and my self-investigation will yield forgivable self-defining moments. This is the plan.

When and as I see myself feeling too lazy or mentally tired to write a post, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is me actually resisting my process as a whole. I commit myself to keep investigating myself within the awareness of the present resistance.

Until I am no longer resisting, I am determined to figure out why, for the sake of letting go of whatever predictive programming I've accepted and allowed to move me for X amount of years. Yeah, here I am.

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Day 207 - Planning vs Energetic Motivation

My day was messed up today when I woke up later than planned. The order of events was screwed up and I allowed this to snowball for most of the day. Lots of patterns came up. Cool that I'm seeing them more clearly as I write about them, but I haven't been thorough enough to be effective. What is it to be effective within this Journey to Life? It is releasing the predictive programming with self-forgiveness AND writing a new law of self with a real commitment statement. Why have I not been effective with some of the patterns, like procrastination? I haven't finished. I haven't yet found each component to be able to specifically address them.

I can't beat myself up for not being effective. Obviously there is still work to do, so the real question is, do I react with my typical discouragement pattern when faced with "failure," or do I stop the reaction and direct the common sense response? Go into mind or be self-honest? Fall into the predictable self-destructive pattern or realize myself, here, able to act in any way choose? The cool part: indecision no longer exists from a self-honesty standpoint. Best for all is a no brainer.

Today, I realized that my writing on planning at the beginning of the year was not substantial. I have not become an excellent planner. I have not made a stable change of self, meaning I did not actually change. I rode an energized ideal for motivation to be a better planner. Probably like many others' new year's resolutions, the commitment fades until the next Jan. 1st. I begun to understand why new year's resolution do not work in this post, but I need to follow through with this.

I am realizing more and more what energetic motivation is because it isn't stable, it doesn't last, it's idealized, generalized and inconsistent. It's not in alignment with reality, it's a mental augmentation of what I would like reality to be. There is a separation through desiring a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that self-change is easy accomplished by one general investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself when I fail to remove a program on my first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my disappointment with discouragement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that process would be a simple plug and play program to erase all programs, not considering that I'd actually have to start living my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply revert to old habits without investigating why or why I allowed the regression.
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When and as I see that I am unstable within my Journey to Life because I am not giving myself the time to be serious with myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here for me. I walk process for me 1st, then I can support others in their self process of/for themselves. I commit myself to taking the necessary steps to start walking this process for me alone. No more energetic BSing. Here, stable, real.

When and as I see myself being ineffective within moving a single point through process, I stop, I breathe, and I realize there is work to be done. I realize that going into the disappointment -> discouragement program, I am neglecting my responsibility of my self-living, here. I commit myself to focus on my breath, and write out the energy experience for specifically moving through process.

There is a growing understanding that Desteni I Process is not an automatic cure for all my problems, as I had initially hoped for it to be. Rather, it is actually serious life training in becoming a responsible human being. There is nothing automatic about reversing what we have automated within and of ourselves. I have to be here with every step. And I commit myself to doing whatever it takes to ending the internal resistance to living within every moment, within every breath.