Day 254 - So, what can I actually commit to? Part 1

The idea of only being able to commit to certain things, kind of blows my mind. It's like I am leaving room for excuses to not become committed. For example, women. I've never wanted to commit to one woman before/yet because of all the reasons I can come up with related to loss of freedom. Oh dear, what have I opened up?

Loss of freedom will be a point I'll have to walk later because it's still heavily set and I don't feel confident in taking this on yet. The point I'm trying to illustrate is how I can still have excuses and justifications that are valid according to my per existing perspective. Hence, there is a journey to be walked here.

I have committed myself to walking this process of realigning my interests to serve what is best for everyone instead of only just me. That wasn't too difficult of a commitment, and yet so many challenges lie within. I definitely did want to hold onto my specialness or the idea of how great I am. I didn't realize that as a limitation in the beginning. And it seems that I'm considerably challenged everyday as I move and see who I am or have been. There's a lot that is not in alignment with best for all, and the secret here is simply to give oneself patience. I am responsible for my flaws, and I give myself the time to properly address them. Sometimes I suppress them. Like with women and my desire for lots a sex, I suppressed that because there's  like this huge, momentous energy of self-definition that I fear losing. Again, patience within process, else I'dd not be able to stay focused and walk anything through effectively. Right now, I'm discovering where I can practically commit to change, and where I am telling myself that I can't so I may further investigate.

I have committed myself to stop using porn. Not sure exactly when, but it was a while ago. I fell 5 times before I stood stable within that decision. This was certainly a struggle point, and I bet there are several men who straight up think I'm lying. But it is true. I got to the point of realizing the cycle of desire and then unsatisfied. I was becoming aware of how my real world relationships are effected through judgments of beauty conditioned by the porn industry. Now that's some shit. People are getting paid the big bucks to subconsciously tell me who to date and find attractive. It's like no one really knows what's happening, and worse, no one wants to know. If you're at all curious about your relationship to masturbation, I encourage a listen to these FREE interviews from EQAFE. They are only recently being released for free to support the people that are wasting their lives with an addictive relationship to a fantasy world. Without porn, self-intimacy can emerge, producing infinitely less guilt/regret, and a much more stable relationship with oneself.

I have committed to eating no more donuts. Kind of a random one, but one day I just had enough and told myself that I was eating my last donut. The basis was sugar plus simple carbs that quickly break down into sugar = SUGAR BOMB. And eventually, I'd like to stop my sugar consumption. It's often a reckless pursuit of a desired experience of pleasurable taste stimulation. I don't care, nor am I aware of the affect within my body. I know that diabetes comes from abusing our insulin response mechanisms. And I know people can live without sugar. So with limiting this commitment to just donuts, I was able to test my ability to stick to a commitment. And I have.

Final big point of commitment that I've already begun living: no more weed! This one deserves a post all on its own, so I won't go into it too much here. Basically, I decided vaguely that my stop date would be December 21st, 2012 so that "when the world ended, I could start the new world sober." (oh yeah and I quit alcohol sometime in Fall 2011; more on that in another post as well). I do miss smoking at times, but more so the positive memories of social bonding and that whole irresponsible lifestyle that I was leading...which makes my wonder why I really miss it...I don't. It's just as silly attachment to the past, like being a child and not having a care in the world. I've grown up. I'm learning what it is to really become a responsible citizen of this earth.
--
I've been itching to get out what my prior commitments are. Not sure if I'm really benefiting from this post by simply reporting my past commitments, and perhaps my primary aim was at the readers who struggle with some of these relationships. As I go deeper into what's at play in each of these relationships, I'll link to the future before. I suppose I have benefited by laying the framework of my past decisions so that I can see and reference who I am. I think another reason I was timid to bring up my commitments was a subtle underlying doubt that I've actually committed. After all I wouldn't want my readers losing faith in me, haha, another fear of loss that acts to hold me down.

I'll continue tomorrow by expanding on some of the areas where I still struggle living commitments to. Thanks for reading, reader.

Day 250 - Dangerous Desire

I've been hesitant to open up the desire point for a long time. Simply because I fear to lose what I desire, come to find out, this is already inherent within the desire. I listed to some solid EQAFE support related to desire, giving it some perceptual context. If either of these call out to you, When Desire Becomes Overwhelming & Why Obsession takes over when Meeting someone New, they are worthy, supportive purchases. I'll share a few of the realizations I had from listening (while bike riding:) to these two interviews, as well as a few insights I picked up from simply studying the desteni material.

There are a lot of dimensions to desire (taste, sex, money, and everything within that), so I'm going to stick to writing about my key realizations today, and just go deeper in my writing as I go deeper in life.

- Desire is Lack
I desire money because I do not have money. Simple. I desire love and affection, because I do not give them to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself love and affection, believing that I can only get this from another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire money, not realizing that I have to do work to make money. I commit myself to the realization that I give myself value through and by hard work.

- Desire is not based in Reality
I desire the half naked model in the magazine. I desire a point of experience in separation of all the steps it takes to get there (i.e. sex)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be with a virtually unobtainable model in a magazine purely based on image and imagination.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine sex-compatibility when I first meet a girl, based on her image/voice and how that might play out in the bedroom, never giving myself the change to meet people unconditionally as living equals.

- Desire is inconsiderate of the physical
I desire another Reese's Egg. I desire to eat cereal instead of finishing my blog first.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply allow the energy of taste-desire to move me against my will, and within that forgetting to breathe and stablize.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my desire for escape by fighting within myself and ultimately giving into the growing/overwhelming energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay a project of self-direction because of resistance coupled with desired outlets. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empower resistance and desire by moving within them and not taking an actual, directive stand to breathe and be here with my choices, instead of going into an internal mind chatter-debate where the initial desire energy compounds and wins more often than not.

- Desire is one dimensional, and childlike
I want this. I want that. My beingness is engulfed and fixated by a single point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the inability to not mature and take into consideration a much bigger picture to make an educated, stable decision based on all affected relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an experience that I desire, not realizing that the fear contributes to the desire drive in the first place.
--
When and as I see myself within desire, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is an energy experience that will snowball and become very hard to stop if I do not find stability in the physical existence that is here. I commit myself to questioning myself: Where do I perceive lack within myself?

When and as I see myself desiring to have sex with the idea of someone, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am obsessing over someone without any real context to my daily life. I commit myself to stop recklessly pursing women based on desire for sex without regard of all related aspects of that journey.

When and as I see myself craving for more candy, I stop I breathe. I stop and breathe for awhile. Really be here with myself. I realize the suppressive internal fight only strengthens the desire energy as all too many times I have given in with, "I don't care about the indistinguishable consequences, go for it." I commit myself to realizing what I am really doing by giving into desire. I commit myself to realizing that I am strengthening energetic desire by participating within it, either by just giving in and going with it or by internal friction-conflict-suppression fighting with it/myself as it.

When and as I see myself fixated on obtaining one item of desire. I stop I breathe. I take a moment to consider where I am, and what I am doing, what else I should be doing, and why. I realize that it's easy to get lost in desire, identifying with it so closely that I become possessed-like as I move with desire. I commit myself to utilizing my breath and self-forgiveness to remove myself from the energetic fixation, and release the pattern of repetitive desire/lack/fear.

Thanks.

"If you become emotional (angry, sad, fearful, anxious etc.) or experience feelings (love, desire, happiness etc.) – know that you are allowing yourself to be directed and controlled by consciousness as your mind as what you have defined yourself as."

- The wiki

picture credit

Day 196 - Sending Love and Light

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within energy to try to send messages to somebody in some sort of mystical way.

flickr

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize energy with an attempt to get others to like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put effort into raising my energy within a spiritual context to be great and desirable.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize my starting point of this desire which is basically fear of rejection, insecurity, and being less in general.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire another person, and within that I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to attempt to manipulate them via sending love and light toward them in a secret hope that they will then like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by meditating, chanting or working with energy in any way can be beneficial for others that are not in directly in my physical environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can expand my aura and become of a higher and higher energy so that I will be more influential and ultimately more happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am benevolent within my use of energy because I only want positivity, and not realize that I was only considering what is positive for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into thoughts of desire and within them attempt to manipulate others to like me by fulfilling their desire to be liked too.
- Interesting. Within this I realize that I have been attracting..and have been attracted to..those with the same design/frame of mind in wanting/desiring another within the same starting point of insecurity of self.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give me the opportunity to stabilize within myself, as who I am, through rushing from fear into desire, and then acting within that energy even in the subtlest ways, such as sending mentally created "love and light" to the girl next to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see this instruction "send love an light to the person next to you," as an excuse to try and fulfill my selfish desire to be with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have backchat about winning the affection of others and not investigating the source of this internal conversation.
--
When and as I see myself practicing yoga and slipping into desire thoughts for the beautiful women in the room, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am portraying that I am "showing up for me" to the point that even I start believing myself as a suppression of my desire for sex, ultimately. I commit myself to examining where and when I am not here for me when I go to practice yoga.

When and as I see myself utilizing energetic opportunities to attempt to court the mind of a female, I stop I breathe. I realize that energetic fishing will lead to an energetic relationship. I commit myself to flirting in the physical only.

When and as I see myself sending love and light to others for any reason, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have been foolishly just going with what the instructor says even though I dislike/disapprove/judge the spiritual side of yoga. I commit myself to further investigating my relationship within all dimensions of yoga.

When and as I see myself utilizing energy for a beneficial / positive means, I stop I breathe. I realize how polarity works enough to know that + must balance with - in the realm of energy. I commit myself to stop supporting the energy dominion over life.

When and as I see myself justifying the use of energy with selfish backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am in a bind with fear here, and that I must face every source point related to the internal dialogue. I commit myself to push through fear, stand within it, walk into it, feel it, accept it, so that I may forgive myself for what I have allowed myself to exist as with it.

I'm not done with you yet yoga..