Day 254 - So, what can I actually commit to? Part 1

The idea of only being able to commit to certain things, kind of blows my mind. It's like I am leaving room for excuses to not become committed. For example, women. I've never wanted to commit to one woman before/yet because of all the reasons I can come up with related to loss of freedom. Oh dear, what have I opened up?

Loss of freedom will be a point I'll have to walk later because it's still heavily set and I don't feel confident in taking this on yet. The point I'm trying to illustrate is how I can still have excuses and justifications that are valid according to my per existing perspective. Hence, there is a journey to be walked here.

I have committed myself to walking this process of realigning my interests to serve what is best for everyone instead of only just me. That wasn't too difficult of a commitment, and yet so many challenges lie within. I definitely did want to hold onto my specialness or the idea of how great I am. I didn't realize that as a limitation in the beginning. And it seems that I'm considerably challenged everyday as I move and see who I am or have been. There's a lot that is not in alignment with best for all, and the secret here is simply to give oneself patience. I am responsible for my flaws, and I give myself the time to properly address them. Sometimes I suppress them. Like with women and my desire for lots a sex, I suppressed that because there's  like this huge, momentous energy of self-definition that I fear losing. Again, patience within process, else I'dd not be able to stay focused and walk anything through effectively. Right now, I'm discovering where I can practically commit to change, and where I am telling myself that I can't so I may further investigate.

I have committed myself to stop using porn. Not sure exactly when, but it was a while ago. I fell 5 times before I stood stable within that decision. This was certainly a struggle point, and I bet there are several men who straight up think I'm lying. But it is true. I got to the point of realizing the cycle of desire and then unsatisfied. I was becoming aware of how my real world relationships are effected through judgments of beauty conditioned by the porn industry. Now that's some shit. People are getting paid the big bucks to subconsciously tell me who to date and find attractive. It's like no one really knows what's happening, and worse, no one wants to know. If you're at all curious about your relationship to masturbation, I encourage a listen to these FREE interviews from EQAFE. They are only recently being released for free to support the people that are wasting their lives with an addictive relationship to a fantasy world. Without porn, self-intimacy can emerge, producing infinitely less guilt/regret, and a much more stable relationship with oneself.

I have committed to eating no more donuts. Kind of a random one, but one day I just had enough and told myself that I was eating my last donut. The basis was sugar plus simple carbs that quickly break down into sugar = SUGAR BOMB. And eventually, I'd like to stop my sugar consumption. It's often a reckless pursuit of a desired experience of pleasurable taste stimulation. I don't care, nor am I aware of the affect within my body. I know that diabetes comes from abusing our insulin response mechanisms. And I know people can live without sugar. So with limiting this commitment to just donuts, I was able to test my ability to stick to a commitment. And I have.

Final big point of commitment that I've already begun living: no more weed! This one deserves a post all on its own, so I won't go into it too much here. Basically, I decided vaguely that my stop date would be December 21st, 2012 so that "when the world ended, I could start the new world sober." (oh yeah and I quit alcohol sometime in Fall 2011; more on that in another post as well). I do miss smoking at times, but more so the positive memories of social bonding and that whole irresponsible lifestyle that I was leading...which makes my wonder why I really miss it...I don't. It's just as silly attachment to the past, like being a child and not having a care in the world. I've grown up. I'm learning what it is to really become a responsible citizen of this earth.
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I've been itching to get out what my prior commitments are. Not sure if I'm really benefiting from this post by simply reporting my past commitments, and perhaps my primary aim was at the readers who struggle with some of these relationships. As I go deeper into what's at play in each of these relationships, I'll link to the future before. I suppose I have benefited by laying the framework of my past decisions so that I can see and reference who I am. I think another reason I was timid to bring up my commitments was a subtle underlying doubt that I've actually committed. After all I wouldn't want my readers losing faith in me, haha, another fear of loss that acts to hold me down.

I'll continue tomorrow by expanding on some of the areas where I still struggle living commitments to. Thanks for reading, reader.

Day 137 - Fear: Not cool enough to get the girl

Related to:
Day 136 - Self-Interested Assistance
Day 25 - The social appeaser

I have a memory of mentally constructing this perspective: I have to be cool/funny to be liked and get the girl that I like. It happened in elementary school while I observed the general social gravitation towards the "cool" kids. Why were they cool? I think it was about the easy goingness, kind of a relaxed funny. And then of course once the group of cool friends were support each others' coolness, it was done. It was valid that they were cool. The "in crowd" was like a machine that supported itself, where the 'kinda cool' kids wanted to be accepted, so they respected the cooler kids. At the top you had 2-4 kids (in the classroom) that were friends and accepted the "kinda cool kids" friendship as they supported their position at the top. It made sense that girls would also gravitate toward the coolest boys because they benefit their egos by associating with the coolest of boys and through the validation from the other girls for doing so, maybe in the form of jealousy or praise. Girls, especially the pretty ones, had social pressure/expectation from other girls to obtain relationships with the cooler boys. Of course this is just a simple one-dimensional insight that I drew when I was pretty young, and it lead to the defining decision to become as cool as I can be, so I can have a better choice/selection of women that would be interested in me.

The design: have more, cooler male friends to increase power/status for the primary purpose of attracting the more attractive women. And I suppose it makes sense also that women become as attractive as they can be to attract the most powerful/successful and good looking men. This program lasted throughout school and college, and now I'm going to pick it apart and forgive it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how I will express myself in this world based on how I can increase my cool factor - as looks/hairstyle, types of friends I associate with, ability to make others laugh and feel comfortable - where I have, through this, chosen to limit my expression to only what others will likely like, causing me to be uncomfortable within fear/doubt of nonacceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will not accept me, not realizing this fear if based in the polarity of my desire to be at the top of the social latter.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to be at the top of the social latter because of the insecurity I allowed myself to exist as in the form of a reoccurring thought that I will not be liked by the girls that I like.

Haha, there is a lot opening up here. This point is more heavily participated in than I initially realized. In all of my relationships to women, the focus was on getting to be with them....oh crap. I defined and lived as a character/personality that once satisfied with the energy as attention from women, the system would calm down and I would be looking onwards to the next challenge of acceptance. Almost like a fear addiction  I realize that I am afraid of not being able to continually overcome that fear of rejection...

Ohhhhh K! This is a problem. I've always just seen it as simply liking the initial part of relationships, you know, with the butterflies and uncertainty. There are so many dimensions to this character that I can't keep my head from spinning right now.

Breathe.

I was listening to this series of interviews by this being, Lily, and right now, I can see that I am needing to stick to just one point, as much as my mind wants to take me everywhere, and walk it through to completion. I definitely recommend this product for getting an understanding the process of writing the mind out with self-forgiveness. Check it out at EQAFE: Self Awareness Steps for the Elite pt.1. Your purchase will be highly self-supportive, as well as supportive to me and all life equally.

Bringing it back:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire personality design, wherein I never gave myself a chance to simply be myself because I allowed myself to fear that I wasn't cool enough to be with the girl/s that I liked. I can see a circle here: I want the girl to validate that I am cool enough to be with the girl...so when I get the girl, I am validated, and ready to move on as I climb higher towards the elusive/imagined top of the social latter as defined by ultimate acceptance/power/influence and of course the most beautiful/perfect woman in the world.

HA.ha.

I'll be continuing with this point in depth over time now that I see it. For now, I'll continue with some corrective applications..

When and as I see myself desiring to be with a woman for the sake of validating my ability to get her, I stop I breathe. I realize that this character is supporting a limited, self-serving time-loop where I do not consider, at all, how I can make the world at large a better place.

I commit myself to self-respect, so that I no longer come from a place that needs to be validated by a women. Within this, I realize that without self-respect, I am not respecting the woman as an equal citizen of the earth, and rather just a means to charge my mental system: validation-insecurity

When and as I see myself in self-doubt, I stop I breathe. I realize now that this is a creation of my mind within and as a fear orientation toward self. I commit myself to further investigation of how and why I have chosen to live through this character that needs validation from the starting point of fear...fear of loss...fear of losing the girl of my dreams.

I commit myself to stopping this character within and as me.

I commit myself to stopping this character that seeks to be cooler for the end purpose of obtaining the most beautiful woman that I can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to settle for a girl that I don't really like. Ha. This is a key driving force. I commit myself to breathing and walking out of my sick mind so that I may contribute as a one and equal participant in supporting global oneness and equality.

Thanks for reading. I know it was a long one...and it's not over yet. If this post resonated with you and you're not already destonian: Join us in walking self-honesty, if you dare to expose the characters you are responsible for creating (publicly is optional; just exposing self to self is quite a journey).

From Heaven's Journey to Life - Day 232