Day 420 - Ode to Pot

For some odd years of my life, I have smoked the marijuana.

For many of those years, I thought I liked the experience more than I disliked the side effects.

Within this last year, I've made the decision to cut it out of my life.

It's taken me many years, to figure out how to stand by this decision.


So many years, I've intimately identified myself within and through the experience of weed.

It had become a best friend, a security blanket, and a tool to keep feeling good.

Served to helped me procrastinate my homework, and focus on the fun stuff.

Made my sense of epiphany stronger, which many times led me into some eccentric ideas.


For better or for worse.

The sticky stuff, I found, is very accurately that: Sticky

I got stuck in the self-aggrandizement, thinking so highly of my thinking.

I deviated further from the bigger picture, while feeling I had a higher perspective.


Getting high helped me mask the reality of getting high.

Consequences happen, sooner or later, so why not come to grips with reality sooner?

I do not regret my path, nor think my dance with MJ was bad or good.

I know that who I am today, is One man ready to take the step.



For additional support, I highly recommend this link: http://wiki.destonians.com/Drugs#Marijuana

Day 358 - Why do I fear making decisions?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision. Some of the most prevalent contexts:

• Determining the future direction of my life path
• When my choice might/will cause others to judge me
• To be productive or procrastinate
• Self-interest vs. integrity

Within all my decision making, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself by playing the endless skeptic, jumping from question to question without ever realizing my responsibility to stand as an answer. The indecisiveness that follows yields consequences that have had a real impact in my life. To stand within myself as less than the authority of myself is something I wish upon no one.

I was never before taught what it means to stand as an authority within myself. My perspective defaulted to the passive, background observer type. Perhaps this is one of life's lessons that comes in the dark of night or as a punch to the face. For me, I investigated what Desteni was presenting: self-honesty, self-responsibility, self-this and self-that. Self as one with, and equal to, all of existence...still figuring out the implications of that. Through slowly studying the whole message over several years of patience and perseverance, I conquered many of the fears that held my in my passive, background, observer perspective. I stand before myself today with a clear purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I will make a correct decision, separating myself from the decision and judging it before I've investigated the outcomes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rule my life from the starting point of anxiously choosing the first option that suited me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize how I had deluded myself into thinking that by choosing what best serves my self-interest, that I will become superior to others and then be more able to save the world. I forgive myself for never questioning my egoist motives before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on having a quick fix or desirable experience, not even considering the consequential outflows.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that aligning my decisions with what is best for all, is also best for me, except here I can lead my life with real integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the perceived authority of others and passively agree without considering the common sense stuff  like do onto others as you would have done onto you.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to place importance in how other's perceive or judge me because I accepted and allowed that to define me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own self-interest of avoiding negative judgment from peers before the interest of what is best for everyone. I didn't even give myself the chance to critically look at my self-interest in this context. When and as I see myself doubting myself through the anticipated or feared judgment of others onto me, I stop I breathe. I realize myself as the authority within myself, and I direct myself through a quantum decision to do what is in the best interest of all.

I forgive my past, so that I may move forward. I embrace my past, so that I may learn. I am here, and I decide to stop all the abusive patterns I have accepted and allowed within and as me. I commit myself to stand up, and take responsibility for doing what is best for all. On a practical level, this means writing, sharing, investigating, writing, sharing, eating, sleeping, working, writing and sharing the perspective that I know works: Standing as an authority within myself to live, to act, to lead with the principle of considering all things and keeping what leads to an outcome that is best for all.

I commit myself to breathe, to be real, to be here, to stand stable, to practice, to live, to share myself, to express myself, to end irrational fear, to be practical, to finding the win-win-win (me-you-all) solutions in every moment.

There is nothing to fear about decisions when all is considered.

photo credit

Day 357 - The Decision to Decide

A very cool point to consider is who we are when making decisions. Maybe it makes more sense to ask: "Where am I in this decision process?" Whatever language you use to see yourself in the moment of making a decision, the important part is to really consider all the motivating factors. Writing can help to slow things down and open up the space for more clarity in this process. When I don't write out my internal process for making an important decision, I notice I am more susceptible to just go with whatever I feel in that moment without considering all the relevant points.

It's those darn feelings that just come up. They're not typically based in common sense, and it's even less likely that we would realize this simply because we don't consider the common sense when we're just quickly going by our gut feelings. We make many, many, many decisions all day, every day. It would make sense to automate the decision process because then our cognition would be less tasked, and that's what we do. The framework for how we have automated our many daily choices is based on the many memories we have stored where our decisions have resulted in a scenario that is has some positive value for self.

Really consider that for a moment. We've spent our whole lives programming our minds to make decisions for us, based in self-interest as what produces the most favorable outcome for me. Maybe we will occasionally consider a few others in an immediate environment, or perhaps even the world, but if we are self-honest about why we are making that decision, we will commonly find a thread that connects our self-interest within that decision. An example, vacuuming the common area so my roommates will like me/not hate me. This action is even benevolently aligned, but my starting point within it was based in self-interested backchat, a subtle form of manipulation even.

So now imagine having to deconstruct this decision framework and rebuild it with intention. The self-interested decision framework that we've been building for our whole lives, happened pretty much automatically, and why question it? Automated as it may seem, I can remember moments where I created, accepted and allowed a new decision parameter because I benefited from it...NOT because I considered all things and chose what is BEST. My benefit could be as simple as feeling good after eating a whole bag of candy or wasting the whole day playing an exciting video game.

HERE

I must realize that I am responsible for the decisions I make.
I must practice and develop my awareness of who I am while making decisions.
I must answer to every question I ask myself with a thorough consideration of all relevant points.

Draw out a map of consequences if that's what it takes. If I delay my writing my blog until the night, I may end up not doing a blog at all because other things will come up, even excuses like "oh, I just don't feel up to writing right now."

My core point of this is to move self through making decisions. If I'm indecisive, sit down and write. Taking the time to consider what is best for all before making a physically lived decision, is the key here. If I don't decide to decide, I could let life slip right by me while my automated decision frameworks controls every aspect of my (regretful) existence. This relationship to decision making needs to be clear and direct. I will no longer stand by and watch my life play out according to some outdated mind program I created back when. This is a new moment, a new breath, and I commit myself to decide who I am within my decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my decisions on how I am best able to get a positive reaction from others so that I will be liked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be liked through the external validation of how others respond to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to how others respond to me, never realizing that I am the one that is actually deciding who I am within each and every decision that I make. For example, I decide to allow my roommates to determine if I'm socially accepted. Through this, I take responsibility for this point of allowing others to tell me who I am, and I correct my self-definition through the process of determining for myself, what I accept and allow myself as.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand who I am within making decisions, and within that, not seeing all the relevant criteria that I should really consider when making any particular decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the flow and not question my decision process from a self-aware perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the results of my decisions because I didn't want to see my responsibility within that circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to fear making a decision...

...And this can be opened up quite a lot. To be continued.

photo credit

Day 352 - Back on Track

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Ahhh 'tis but a mere decision!

The process of application is that decision. Meaning that it's not a win-lose relationship when trying to change oneself. If I have a goal or a task in any given moment, then it's not to stand in a relationship of separation to the completion of that movement. It is a movement, period. Failure just indicates that that I'm in a process of learning how to not fail. If I have a self-judgment relationship to failure, then it's rather natural to get down on myself and compound the consequence of that failure OR simply suppress that failure so I don't have to deal with the cognitive dissonance.

So, let's say I want to start writing my blog again on a daily basis. If I can and do not, then I have a particular relationship toward it that is not supportive of what is best for all. To be able to do what is best for all, it is a simple matter of choice. And when that is "difficult" then I must investigate my relationship to the task (i.e. blogging, nail biting, etc.) and/or the alternative activities that I choose to participate in during a moment of weakness / not feeling like doing the original/intended task.

If I am to restructure my habits, I need to slow down and really consider what works and what doesn't. To just go with the flow of doing what I feel like doing, I am not standing as the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate a relationship of being okay with not directing myself in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I look back on the memory of my day and see that I did not do what I really wanted to do, but instead just chose to keep myself busy and avoid my daily goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be a loser in an ultimate sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate moments of failing to stay on task and then define myself by those moments. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure, in separation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a winner. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the polarity of success and failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am directly responsible and obligated to making decisions that are aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this process of self-perfection is a decision alone, not realizing that a decision is substantiated with action and follow through.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that consistent application of myself within a decision is how to create self-directed habits and to stop the reactive habits that have accumulated through memories and relationships to past events.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as a perfect man, and thus sabotage myself by suppressing everything contradictory to that idealize self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than able to change myself, not realizing that is actually really only me who must stand and take the responsibility to change myself.

See, I once had a thought (many times, actually) that with just the decision to walk process was all I had to do. Just like getting on a roller coaster, once I put on the seat belt, my efforts were finished. I now realize that this process of writing myself to freedom is more than just a single decision. Yes, the decision is crucial, but the self-movement in alignment with that decision is just as important.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe the process of realizing myself in the context of oneness and equality, as all life, would be easy, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself when I realize it's not.

When and as I see myself recklessly pursing activities unrelated to my responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that I, alone, am responsible to stop and make the decision to get back on track. Within this I realize that this decision is only as valuable as the actions which substantiate it, and so I commit myself to just doing what needs to be done in the moments that I have available.

When and as I see myself abusing my available time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I chose to be here. I commit myself to not get frustrated with myself in self-judgment, but to rather focus on the solution as self-change.

When and as I see myself as a failure, I stop I breathe. I realize my obligation to investigate my acceptances and allowances. I commit myself to investigate the patterns that lead to self-abuse. I commit myself to doing what is necessary to grow as an individual that effectively contributes to what is best for all.

I commit myself to stay on track, and when I'm off track, to immediately get back on track. I commit myself to walking process steadfast, to get up after a fall, to not allow what I've allowed to perpetuate self-abuse.

I commit myself to revolutionizing my habits.

I commit myself to revolutionizing my relationship with myself.

I commit myself to revolutionizing this reality.

Day 351 - Attached to the Memories of My Habits

There are so many points to write about and realize, and I'm just delaying the whole process because I'm stuck in an emotional relationship to my past choices and unwittingly perpetuating destructive patterns because I haven't really forgiven myself specifically.

Writing is not a habit that I can afford to stop. I have seen how much I'm progressed through writing, why stop now? I have been writing less consistently for awhile now and in general I see it is because I'm stuck in memories. My past contains memories that are familiar in respect to who I am in relation to my environment. So, my comfort zone is literally composed of memories. In this process of self expansion, I have to let go of my familiar, comfortable relationships to people/places/things to discover who I am in relation to the new and unfamiliar people/environments. And I'm now realizing that it's not just expanding my relationship to various nouns, it's also letting go of and discovering new: verbs!

Changing a habit or two can change your entire life. I am finding myself in a position where I have the tools to change all my habits from self-interest based to best for all based. This will not just change my life, but will also have a significant ripple effect. Leading by example, with the example being a consistent, principled living, with the principle being to act in the best interest of all. But I've gotten ahead of myself before, and I recognize this haste pattern, so I commit myself to slow down, and walk a physical timeline that is in alignment with this principled living. Firstly, I have to change one habit. Funny, you'd think that'd be obvious.

I am now making a decision to change one fundamental habit that will most certainly make my life easier: Giving up.

There are many, many moments for which the decision to uphold a new habit, or shut down a bad habit, must be applied. This is the area where I stumble. I understand what it would take to change myself, but I don't yet have the practice to confidently stick to the commitments I make. This plays out most severely in my relationship with nail biting. Alcohol was the first habit I stopped, but with this point my memories were already mostly seen in a negative light. Stopping consumption of donuts wasn't very difficult because it was so specific...interesting. With donuts, my starting point was to test myself, and although I have been successful, I still occasionally pursue other sweets to satisfy that sugar craving. Stopping porn was a bit more stubborn, but once I was clear in my relationship to it as intentional disillusionment and saw how it was affecting my relationships with real life women, I stopped it permanently. (For more support with stopping porn, check out Porn+Alt+Delete)

What can I learn from here? Where exactly am I stumbling? It appears that the successful implementation of a new habit depends on a few factors, some of which include specificity of the new habit, comprehensively understanding the motivations of the old habits, as well as understanding the basis of the new habits. Through writing, I commit myself to slow down and expose my existing habits and all relevant components thereof, AND I commit myself to write the specifics of the new habits, to be clear within myself of the alignment and choice to follow through with a permanent self change.

I'll expand more on changing habits in the days to come. I am currently walking through nail biting, and procrastination (still)<--note: self-judgement. And I have to walk the physical process of writing, accepting my current state, so that I may choose to stop allowing what I've been accepting. The beginning and the end, together as one, the key to self-change. Remove this self-judgement, for in a stance separation, I am disempowering myself to be able to direct myself as one and equal with all parts of me that I have been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through a perspective of knowing what I should be doing, while my physical participation doesn't cooperate. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself, within myself, into and as an idealized concept/image and a real/physical. Within this, I realize that I am creating a friction and frustration from the mind perspective of the image/ego, looking at myself in the physical, in separation, and seeing inconsistency. I commit myself to take a breath and move within the realization that I am my physical body, instead of just judging myself and creating friction and then getting no where.

I commit myself to take the necessary step and do what it takes to produce real, lasting self change. Step by step, I forgive and release my inconsiderate, self(only) interested personalities and habit sets, to align my living, physical application and habits with what is best for all.