Day 366 - Year 2: Adjusting My Starting Point

It's simple to write, and yet there are all these reasons, excuses, and resistances that can come up in the mind. You can probably relate to the inner thought, "I just don't feel like it right now."

I'm coming to realize that we are constantly and continuously creating our reality through these perceptual moments AND I too often seem to be at the whim of my fluctuating feelings and emotions. It's like I could learn a thing or two from my heart: the way it just keeps beating, doing work; not just when it feels like it, but constantly and continuously. Until that moment when it stops, of course. So I look at myself, and I see a person that moves himself rather inconsistently at the moment, and yet the day when I stop completely grows nearer constantly and continuously.

The point: Will I continue to accept and allow myself to be a victim of my own conditioned mind patterns? If I do that, then I'm going to end up with the conventional life that I set out to leave behind when I dedicated my life to understanding. To really understand self, there are some mental phenomena that need to be stopped. It's not cool to sulk within a lethargic energy experience because I've trained myself to rely on internal energy experiences to motivate myself. It's not alright that I am deliberately making multiple decisions from the starting point of serving the mind (seeking positive experience or avoiding negative experience). It's most certainly not groovy to think all that matters in the world is my experience of myself within it.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I get from others.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I fear I would get from others.

During my first year of Journey to Life blogging, my starting point was based on this socially constructed self-belief. I did realize that I wouldn't have it all perfectly sorted out from the get go, so I allowed myself to go into it with this energy-motivation that specifically fulfilled my ego needs. I enjoyed the recognition and the feeling of writing a good post. I hadn't considered the consequence. Feeling good has to balance out with feeling bad, regardless of how much we try to suppress the bad from our conscious remembrance (this is where self-honesty comes in). I didn't make the connection between that positive feeling reward from writing a good blog post, to the negative emotion of fearing that it wouldn't be a good post.

All the speculation, and worry, and need to be seen as awesome and fear of being judged as not; it's all shit. It's all a product of how I've structured my mind to best suit the idea of myself! This ego. This socially constructed and validated idea of who I am in this reality.

I stop. I breathe.

This is the choice I commit myself to start getting more acquainted with while walking my real-time process. I have spent a long time investigating the Desteni Message, and honestly it did take awhile to sort through it all. But I was already on board with the Oneness idea when I was in my spiritual phase, spending a bunch of money to activate my DNA and become an ascended master to leave my mark in the world. Haha, so it took a few years wrestling with the contradiction of equality before I could no longer remain stubbornly in my pursuit of wanting to become more than others. I saw how I wanted to be better than others because I held a semi-suppressed belief that I was worse than others.

Oneness and Equality: Best for All

Eventually, it just makes absolute sense. When the mentally induced resistance subsides. When the ego-preservation mechanism is trumped by self-honest consideration of the whole picture. When I begin to let go of the belief of who I am that is an externally constructed idea. When I start coming to terms with the fact that I'm not so special. When I start looking at the reality of myself in contrast to the idea of myself. When I put myself in the shoes of another...

I realize I want what is best for all.

The problem is, I've created my mind for 2 decades within the objective parameters of wanting what was best for me. I CONDITIONED MYSELF TO THROW MY NEIGHBOR UNDER THE BUS. In literal terms, I ridicule and judge others to make myself feel superior. All I've ever cared about was me and my success. Sure I wanted to make a positive impact in the world, but I had no concern about a hypocritical means to a glorified end.

Now, I can't sit here in this perceptual reality of self-judgment. I take responsibility for who I was and here is how I'm going to do it: I'm closing the gap between my past self, my present self, and my future self. They are all here, and I take responsibility for directing each aspect through a process of forgiveness and corrective application.

Over the course of this next year:

I commit myself to clearly exemplify my process of writing and self-corrective application.
I commit myself to write more frequently than I have been the past 6 months.
I commit myself to start deciding to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in a mind-created reality.
I commit myself to support what best for myself and others through reformatting my mind and reprogramming it with awareness.
I commit myself to see who I am as one and equal with who I've been and who I want to be.
I commit myself to prioritizing physical actions to create in reality.

AND for the final point of this post:

I commit myself to adjust my application within process to include equal parts of self-forgiveness to corrected application, 1:1, meaning: this game of glorifying self ends here. I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing and writing and writing until I am clear and stable within self-understanding AND practice the correction until my self-change is lasting and real.

Thank you.

cc photo

Day 352 - Back on Track

cc

Ahhh 'tis but a mere decision!

The process of application is that decision. Meaning that it's not a win-lose relationship when trying to change oneself. If I have a goal or a task in any given moment, then it's not to stand in a relationship of separation to the completion of that movement. It is a movement, period. Failure just indicates that that I'm in a process of learning how to not fail. If I have a self-judgment relationship to failure, then it's rather natural to get down on myself and compound the consequence of that failure OR simply suppress that failure so I don't have to deal with the cognitive dissonance.

So, let's say I want to start writing my blog again on a daily basis. If I can and do not, then I have a particular relationship toward it that is not supportive of what is best for all. To be able to do what is best for all, it is a simple matter of choice. And when that is "difficult" then I must investigate my relationship to the task (i.e. blogging, nail biting, etc.) and/or the alternative activities that I choose to participate in during a moment of weakness / not feeling like doing the original/intended task.

If I am to restructure my habits, I need to slow down and really consider what works and what doesn't. To just go with the flow of doing what I feel like doing, I am not standing as the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate a relationship of being okay with not directing myself in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself when I look back on the memory of my day and see that I did not do what I really wanted to do, but instead just chose to keep myself busy and avoid my daily goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be a loser in an ultimate sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate moments of failing to stay on task and then define myself by those moments. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure, in separation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a winner. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the polarity of success and failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am directly responsible and obligated to making decisions that are aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this process of self-perfection is a decision alone, not realizing that a decision is substantiated with action and follow through.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that consistent application of myself within a decision is how to create self-directed habits and to stop the reactive habits that have accumulated through memories and relationships to past events.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as a perfect man, and thus sabotage myself by suppressing everything contradictory to that idealize self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than able to change myself, not realizing that is actually really only me who must stand and take the responsibility to change myself.

See, I once had a thought (many times, actually) that with just the decision to walk process was all I had to do. Just like getting on a roller coaster, once I put on the seat belt, my efforts were finished. I now realize that this process of writing myself to freedom is more than just a single decision. Yes, the decision is crucial, but the self-movement in alignment with that decision is just as important.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe the process of realizing myself in the context of oneness and equality, as all life, would be easy, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself when I realize it's not.

When and as I see myself recklessly pursing activities unrelated to my responsibilities, I stop I breathe. I realize that I, alone, am responsible to stop and make the decision to get back on track. Within this I realize that this decision is only as valuable as the actions which substantiate it, and so I commit myself to just doing what needs to be done in the moments that I have available.

When and as I see myself abusing my available time, I stop I breathe. I realize that I chose to be here. I commit myself to not get frustrated with myself in self-judgment, but to rather focus on the solution as self-change.

When and as I see myself as a failure, I stop I breathe. I realize my obligation to investigate my acceptances and allowances. I commit myself to investigate the patterns that lead to self-abuse. I commit myself to doing what is necessary to grow as an individual that effectively contributes to what is best for all.

I commit myself to stay on track, and when I'm off track, to immediately get back on track. I commit myself to walking process steadfast, to get up after a fall, to not allow what I've allowed to perpetuate self-abuse.

I commit myself to revolutionizing my habits.

I commit myself to revolutionizing my relationship with myself.

I commit myself to revolutionizing this reality.

Day 275 - Discipline

Polarity flip!!

Yesterday I felt so in control. I even noticed the positive feeling charge within me while I was writing yesterday's post. Today felt less in control. It was a negative experience. Polarity of inner experience.

In the past, I would let this polarity flip be perceived as failure, let it build and compound, and suppress it as quickly as possible. Today, I was not feeling the same, and I let that direct me. This time, instead of reacting to my negative experience and labeling myself as a 'failure', or worse as 'overall unable/ineffective' within self-change. That reactive experience multiplies the adverse effects of a fall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my internal experience of myself in relation to productivity/failure/discipline is unstable and based within polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that positively charge experience will balance with a negatively charged experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the negative experience and the positive experience (like I did yesterday), not realizing that I do not need to define myself by the unstable, energetic experience within me. Who I am is the physical reality..

Which means that my actions is a communicative statement of myself. Whether in the context of others or even more significantly within the context of me alone, who I am in a moment can be defined by my lived choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility within and of every action I take..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my thoughts precede and determine my actions and word choices, and I am therefore responsible for my thoughts as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that prevention is the best cure.

I commit myself to begin seeing and flag pointing the thoughts that lead me into an experience that is in separation of reality.

I commit myself to become increasingly disciplined by identifying every moment where I decide not to take responsibility for my behavior/actions, and writing about the specifics tat come up within me in those moments.

I commit myself to recognizing the positive experiences within me, so I may choose not to define myself as them.

I commit myself to remembering my breath when I am in moments of indecision and passively approaching the day.

I commit myself to reorienting myself when and as I see that I have begun my day in a way that promotes further noncommittal attitude. This is not who I am. I no longer accept and allow myself to submit to the internal energy experience...and when I do, I breathe myself back into the physical. Here I go.

Day 234 - Lucky Life = Free Money?

Related to my hopefulness, I have had this relationship with being lucky. I've basically been so fortunate in this life that I've not only taken it for granted, I've thought myself to special and important because of my apparent luck. Later on this evolved into power, where I believed myself to have the power of Attracting good fortune into my life. This belief had the consequence of a subtle undertone in my primary personality related to money: I didn't have to work hard.

So recap of the delusion: I have been fortunate. This means I'm special. If I am special and lucky, maybe it is my own doing via Law of Attraction (LOA). I am powerful.

Okay, thank goodness I found Desteni before my spiritual ascension endeavors took my ego-delusion to higher levels. This personality related to money is extensive and today's post will just cover the lucky sliver. My first money personality post can be found here.

pic credit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am to blame for my relative fortunate living circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can attract wealth without having to work for it and that there would be no consequence for this little (LOA) trick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am special and important because of my apparent luck.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my purpose and destiny from the starting point that I am lucky and therefore more able to be important.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my self-worth in accordance to how much luck I have or am able to cultivate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my past luck as significant to who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will always have enough and can be supported through luckiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as lucky and through that justify my lack of work ethic because working hard had never been required of me to be satisfied. Moderately spoiled was plenty enough to breed ignorance of the world-wide ratio for relative work ethic to basic needs met.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can be successful without putting in a hard work ethic because I am able to perpetuate my luck.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my decision to give back to the world through/because I have been lucky in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk with Desteni based on the decision to give back to the world through/because I have been lucky in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value and worth within luck, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my value and worth according to how lucky I have been.
--
When and as I see myself within fortune and reacting positively, I stop I breathe. I realize that by placing value into this lucky happenstance, I am supporting my relationship within luck. I commit myself to working hard regardless of lucky breaks.

When and as I see myself wishing/hoping for something and expecting to get it because "I create my own luck," I stop I breathe. I realize that even though I wrote about this yesterday, I still will have a habit to attempt to use these "special powers" to benefit me. I commit myself to stop manifesting luck through energy/mind.

When and as I see myself relying on or assuming good fortune in the future, I stop I breathe. I realize that only the physical movement of creation is real, and that by using LOA to manifest an outcome without physical effort, it is temporary, unstable, and I am accumulating consequence. I commit myself to stop assuming a positive outcome, and instead create a positive outcome through practical, physical influence.

When and as I see myself as lucky, I stop I breathe. I realize this as an embedded self-definition that I have programmed into my personality design. I commit myself to realizing who I am as the breath of my physical and ending all mental self-definitions.

When and as I see myself believing myself to be special and/or important, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past experiences with luck have shaped who I think myself to be. I realize this as the delusion of self. I commit myself to exposing all self-definitions that are not strictly life, so that I can see my created personality and forgive myself for thinking that is who I am.

When and as I see myself utter the word LUCK, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can set flag points as words to bring myself back into my breath. I commit myself to checking to see how I have used the word luck to find how I still relate to the word. I commit myself to walking the purification process of the spoken word, word by word. Word? Word.

Check out equalmoney.org to have your voice heard, so your children won't have to be so lucky.