Day 375 - What is Love?! (Baby Don't Hurt Me)

No more.

(If you insist on listening to the song while you read my blog, GO RIGHT AHEAD AND DO SO!)

I'm going to do a special post today for Valentines Day! Yippy!! To open up a point as big as love required some research on my part, so I'll sum up the key points to the best of my ability today (to get you hooked) and then in the several following posts, I'll expand on what I currently see in this construct.

Briefly, In my own experience, "love" was not a quantifiable concept. I experienced it as unstable and fleeting at best. Perhaps some might say I never knew "true love." My parents loved me, in the obvious subtle kind of way. They weren't keen on overtly expressing their love, except occasionally. It is my theory that my mom learned from her mom that love is care is worry is prevention is making sure I eat my vegetables and stay safe from harm. You know? Kind of doing all she can to ensure I have the best chance to be successful in my life.

This form of love didn't translate so well into the early dating phases of my life. I felt near clueless about what love entailed, and how to approach girls with a display of my potential to give them love. Through time, I acquired more of an understanding of what girls expected, and I become fairly good at giving them what they wanted. It was damn near mathematical.

But math isn't love!? Isn't it? I don't want to ruin your Valentine's Day or anything, but can you honestly say that you have investigated what love is or what you expect from someone who loves you? Could you define it on paper? I know that I haven't even tried doing that before, and today marks the first day of my true investigation of how I have lived 'love' in my life. Through this specific self-introspection, I will be able to see where I am at in relation to love (what it means, what I expect, what I project, etc.) and then be able to redefine love within a starting point perspective of oneness and equality in the physical.

This post is just to wet your whistle and get you thinking about how you have been living the word Love in your life. Upcoming, I will expand on my research and relate everything to my own experience in life thus far; and from there, define and align the solution as a physically expressed, stable form of Love in the context of Self and All, Equal and One.

Day 290 - Departure Feelings

Anytime I am leaving a familiar home-zone there is this feeling that I need to do everything and see everyone and have the perfect 'happy ending.' Similarly, there is an excitement to do it all and meet new people when I arrive at a new living situation. This is an interesting point to walk because there are only so many times when these emotions come up, and I've never really thought about the departure feelings/thoughts before; I usually just lived in/as them.

Ok, so what's going on here? Fear of loss, primarily...yep, that's about it. I'll expand: I come to a new place with excitement for the experiences and memories to be created, and when I leave, there is a strong undertone of "I will no longer be able to have these experiences anymore." Ohh CHANGE! Why are you so cruel? haha

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel an ache of need to see it all and do it all before I depart as a final goodbye to capstone all of my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be recognized and validated, seeing my departure as this critical moment of receiving positive judgement from the friends I've created enjoyable experiences with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to a living environment and developing an attachment to particular places and people that validate who I think I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a set of experiences that are in fact memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the ability to recreate location/person specific memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire past memories. Bang! There are so many positive feelings associated with past memories. They move and motivate me to recreate. Stuck in a groove of chasing what I already have come to know as positive experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chase after my past because I KNOW that I have been happy within those memories AND I fear the unknown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, as I will not have control over how I will experience myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will not have control over the experience of myself if I haven't yet already lived similar past experience(s).
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When and as I see myself getting all nostalgic and sad to leave, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am able to enjoy myself in this moment within and as it all, one and equal. I commit myself to understanding how I've removed myself from reality through going into mind and feelings of how much I will miss it all.

 When and as I see myself wanting to "see everyone, one last time," I stop, breathe, and realize that this desire comes from a need to define myself on my past experiences with others. That last moment of interaction with another is usually one of the highlighted memories. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be special in the eyes of others in my memories so I can think back to how great I am. I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself utilizing my final memories with someone to define who I am now.

When and as I see myself afraid to let go of a living situation, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself in a new context in every new situation, and in every new breath. I commit myself to move with my breath, into the future, unhindered by fear/anxiety of what may come.

When and as I see myself wanting to control my future experience of myself by comparing it to my past experiences, I stop I breathe. I realize that I create myself here, within every breath. I commit myself to bring myself back to the moment that is here when and as I seem myself anxious about the unknown set of experiences to come. Here I am. Here I breathe. Here I move. Here I stabilize.

Day 275 - Discipline

Polarity flip!!

Yesterday I felt so in control. I even noticed the positive feeling charge within me while I was writing yesterday's post. Today felt less in control. It was a negative experience. Polarity of inner experience.

In the past, I would let this polarity flip be perceived as failure, let it build and compound, and suppress it as quickly as possible. Today, I was not feeling the same, and I let that direct me. This time, instead of reacting to my negative experience and labeling myself as a 'failure', or worse as 'overall unable/ineffective' within self-change. That reactive experience multiplies the adverse effects of a fall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my internal experience of myself in relation to productivity/failure/discipline is unstable and based within polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that positively charge experience will balance with a negatively charged experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the negative experience and the positive experience (like I did yesterday), not realizing that I do not need to define myself by the unstable, energetic experience within me. Who I am is the physical reality..

Which means that my actions is a communicative statement of myself. Whether in the context of others or even more significantly within the context of me alone, who I am in a moment can be defined by my lived choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility within and of every action I take..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my thoughts precede and determine my actions and word choices, and I am therefore responsible for my thoughts as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that prevention is the best cure.

I commit myself to begin seeing and flag pointing the thoughts that lead me into an experience that is in separation of reality.

I commit myself to become increasingly disciplined by identifying every moment where I decide not to take responsibility for my behavior/actions, and writing about the specifics tat come up within me in those moments.

I commit myself to recognizing the positive experiences within me, so I may choose not to define myself as them.

I commit myself to remembering my breath when I am in moments of indecision and passively approaching the day.

I commit myself to reorienting myself when and as I see that I have begun my day in a way that promotes further noncommittal attitude. This is not who I am. I no longer accept and allow myself to submit to the internal energy experience...and when I do, I breathe myself back into the physical. Here I go.

Day 233 - Hope vs. Hard Work

I had been neglectful of doing hard work for reasons unknown to me. The foremost answer that comes to mind when I ask myself why, is that I truly haven't worked very hard for anything. I have been fortunate and privileged for the majority of my life. Now I find myself debate-free with a college degree, and yet I still do not know what it is to work hard. This changes here.

In my Journey to Life, I investigate who I have become through the many influences throughout my life. I realize that I am a product of these influences by choice of what I accepted and allowed within me through the base programs of fear and self-interest. Through fear of failure and preordained fortune, I have found myself quite content with minimal effort or struggle...and now that I am faced with the world's money system, I see that the passive, hopeful route is not going to cut it. And in terms of this self-investigation process, I have been holding myself back through my bare-minimum work ethic. This stops here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on hope and luck to determine my success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only work as hard as was required of me from my external forces.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for my self-direction within work and accomplishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing uncertainty to dictate who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go with the flow of my environment because I was able to live comfortably without asserting my effort, and thus was enabled to hide my fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I was afraid to assert myself because I was afraid to fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my environment to act first so I wouldn't have to take responsibility for anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect what I hoped would come true, to come true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my past fortune indicates future fortune, and through this design I existed within hope without realizing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself that I am hopeful of a fortunate future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work hard only when I was assured of success or fair payoff.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set the bar low for myself instead of striving to really excel wherever I apply myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up and direct my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for my world to present opportunity to me that I would take if I was certain that wouldn't fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my fear of failure from myself through hope and waiting for fail-safe opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be passive within my world, accepting the hope as an alternative to hard work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could simple attract (LOA) fortune to me through the design of hope and positive thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work hard.
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When and as I see myself waiting for opportunity, I stop I breathe. I realize that I could be waiting my whole life or I could be utilizing my time to make something of myself and of my world and reality. I commit myself to work hard for my rewards in life from now on, meaning: NO MORE LOA,  HOPE, or WAITING.

When and as I see myself passively hoping for that pretty girl to talk to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that fear of failure/rejection has a solid foundation within me. I commit myself to patiently & persistently picking apart my experience pf failure and rejection within myself, so that I may forgive my allowed passive existence and get on with living!

When and as I see myself immobilized by fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize there are many forms and circumstances of which this personality characteristic comes into play. I commit myself to move myself through the resistance generated by this fear and when I do not, to investigate the specifics of that particular event. I commit myself to write about my fear until I understand it and release it. It does not serve me, and I do not need to protect it, so why have I been? I believe in the experience of fear and thus empower it.

When and as I see myself hoping, praying or desiring something without having to work for it, I stop I breathe. I realize myself in the physical and I realize that practical, physical steps are how create my world and reality. I commit myself to using my words and my physical body to make shit happen. No more innocent, wishful, naive, positive thinking in the form of hope. I commit myself to the residual realization of how I can get stuff done with hard work.

When and as I see myself passively waiting for my momentous fortune to carry me through life, I stop I breathe. I realize the illusion that is my mind. I realize that the overlap between mind and reality can be convincing. I realize that disappointment in oneself is certain with a reliance on hope to carry me forward. I commit myself to taking that breath and moving myself within a practical plan to accomplish my goals.

pic credit: deviantart.com

Day 131 - Fear of stopping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping the positively charged indulgences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping the negatively associated indulgences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping the mind and ending the pursuit of a higher energetic experience stimulus.

^ This is the point that I want to capture. It's broadly applied as the ending of the seeking a positive reward. A bunch of things come up. For me the first ones that come up are: taste of candy, taste of certain foods, sexual orgasm, winning video games, feeling of tobacco/drugs/alcohol, looking physically fit, successful status in society, parents, and peers eyes, and so on.

The problem with these experiences is that they dominate my time. If I'm being self-honest and responsible within my relationship to completing work, I can certainly still allow myself to enjoy life.  So the real issue here is self-direction vs mind-direction.  The moment of allowing my mentally impulsed desire to manifest into decision, directing me, instead of me moving from the awareness of my breath and doing what I know needs to be done. How do I know what needs to be done?

It's all about building structures of support for myself and then for others. Building support structures within the principle of Best for All, is it. So, when my time is being directed by my mind to get a simple positive reward, I realize I am mind-controlled. I commit myself to standing up within my desire, just as a fear, and laughing at it, giving perspective to it, and breathing...I stop I breathe.

And when the common sense direction isn't clear, I ask myself:

How can I best use my time right now that is supportive to myself, and ultimately all?

..to be continued.

Day 121 - Continuing the illusion

The process of walking out of the mind is like breaking down the illusion through self-forgiveness inspired realizations of self. The realization isn't enough to stop the illusion which is why we are instructed to write the corrective application statements and live them. If I'm aware of a certain facet of my mode of operation, and do nothing about it, realization will not automatically equate to change.

The desires are the positive; the fears, negative. These illusions are created by our minds and seem as real as anything from the stance of mind. My ego wants this and judges that, and this is the mind-walk we've all been doing for a long, long time. Me as mind wants to survive and continue the positive illusions, though I want to abolish the negative illusions like fears and self-doubt. Our tendency is to run/hide from our internal fears by creating a positive, outward appearance for others to see, and when we get that feedback/validation, all is well. The fears are at rest because reality is 'proving' otherwise.

Self-dishonesty is the subtle hiding of these mind illusions. So, self-dishonesty is the continuance of the illusion. Self-honesty is stopping the allowed mental experience creation overlay onto reality, breathing and living with the entire physical existence, here.

So, our fears and desires serve to keep us locked in to this experiential overlay creating. To deconstruct each point is like peeling back union layers of suppression. As we've become accustomed to our suppressions, they are comfortable/familiar. We created our personality / self-concept from them. These fear/desire mind programs that we inherited are still our creation, and in self-honesty, this is apparent. So, by no fault other than my own, I am continuing the illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from seeing the negative experiences of fear-based thoughts by covering them up though a movement toward a positive experience creation, not realizing that I'm perpetuating the illusion.

I commit myself to realizing how I am perpetuating the illusion and to become aware of when I am in my head and have forgotten about my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unaware of my mind within experiential creation, in separation of the awareness of my breath.

I commit myself to continue writing myself to freedom, on a daily basis, by working out the individual, specific points within my fear/desire illusions of mind.

When and as I see myself willingly continuing the illusion, I do not react with self-judgment. I realize that through writing the point out, I can work with it in physical space-time. I commit myself to slowing my experience down so that I stop jumping around from point to point in my mind and gradually align with the physical existence.

Day 120 - Stopping the illusion

When we create our perceptions of the world, there is typically a positive or negative association. When we live within a positive frame, we want to keep it that way. When we're down, we want to get back to the positive as quickly as we can. So, the pattern I'm placing into focus here is the positive/negative structure of experience. I call BS. It is ever more clear that these experiences are not stable, and so then I must not be stable. My whole life, I've assessed value in maintaining a positive frame, and so I did. I was more likable and could more easily get along with others if I kept the positivity going. I saw no reason not to; however, I now vague understand the relationship between positive and negative energy. I see it as made of the same substance, and you can't have one but not the other. They balance each other, as some universal law of balance. Good vs Evil, Right vs Wrong, Light vs Dark, Happy vs Sad, Love vs Hate, etc. This makes the world go 'round, no?

No.

The world is already going 'round, before and positive/negative experience is processed. We create these experiences kind of automatically in disregard of the spinning world. So, my understanding of the self-purification process that is laid out by Desteni is that we have to stop creating these experiential illusions. Why? Because we're addicted to them. Because we only consider ourselves within the pursuit of positive experience, not realizing that we are also contributing the the creation of the negative, internal experience.

STOP, I say! The crappy part is that stopping the positive experience is a negative experience. This is obviously balanced out by the stopping of the negative experience = a positive one. I was luckily born into privilege, and was able to figure out how to create a positive experiential frame within myself (to cover up the negative frames formed from fear). I participate in this process because giving up the illusion of positive so that I can stand stable and assist others in creating a world that's BEST for All ALWAYS is the life I've always wanted to live.

No more temporary illusions created by mind within polarity.

No more flip-floppin around with more regard for my own created illusion than for reality.

No more abuse of the physical world and it's equal, living inhabitants.

I commit myself to living in ONE world with ALL others as EQUALS, and ending the self created illusions of myself and others. While we recklessly create, we create inescapable consequence. Time to get our acts together. And by that I mean: It's time I get my act together.

Day 116 - Sticky Black Hole

I woke this morning by quickly sitting up and saying aloud "I forgive myself!...for accepting and allowing myself to believe I'm stuck." Just before this I recall a hazy subconscious image of a sticky black hole that kept pulling my back in.

My immediate interpretation was that this stickiness is the delay/postponement/fall point, where I allow myself to fall back into the old habit, whatever it may be. This point of continually allowing myself to submit, to be stuck within my existence was frightening enough to wake me suddenly, but I've done this my whole life and have just been suppressing it with distractions, which is the black hole in one way. So not seeing and hiding this function of my conscious participation/direction, was the easy way. Just existing within and as the sticky black hole and not realizing it was a perpetual, sustained existence. As I've been working through the point of procrastination, it has opened up more and more.

Related posts:
Day 112 - Not wanting to face myself today
Day 108 - All Day Delay
Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fireDay 104 - Walking through resistance

And, I'm really starting to narrow and focus in on this design. How effective I've been in addressing the point has not been perfect at all, but I feel like I can't ignore this state of existence anymore. I can just sit back and watch myself fall back into the black hole that grabs at me. Though it seems like this force is separate from me, I realize that I am the black hole. I manifested it as a habit of allowing self to stand down and succumb to the energy pull (i.e. the sweetness of candy, the fun of online virtual battle games). The other part of this equation is the manifested negative experience of leaving the grip of the stickiness as the negative experience assumption of responsibility or self directing self.

This delay point is extensively ingrained within my being, and it will take time to see all the contributing forces of this 'sticky black hole.' As it is relevant to my day experience of myself, I believe I can overcome this force, layer by layer, with the self-forgiveness application that has already brought more awareness to the design. This is self-support, and this is why I write this blog. Any point can be walked through self-forgiveness if you have the courage to face the inner hurricane that cycles the same self-destructive thoughts/fears. 

Slow down the hurricane/black hole. Write yourself out for yourself to see. It's been pretty cool so far. Scary and overwhelming at times, but then I just have more to write about :)

Check out this process for yourself at the Desteni Forum

Or just hop straight into it with the new FREE introduction course: DIP Lite

This post will be continued upon as I continue to specifically unravel the design. Thank you.

Picture from here

Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fire

Hot. The feeling of friction. When my body wants one thing and my mind wants another = resistance. The experience of diminished or faltering will. When my true will is perceived/labeled as a negative experience (i.e. homework), and my short-term, pleasure seeking will takes dominion. I now understand this to be the work of the mind within the framework of polarity. Pos/neg experiences that are only such because of a repeat allowance of my mind telling me "that's the way it is." Why/how? Well, that's what I'm figuring out: The root of all perceptual bias, based in specific past experiences. Taking this for granted, just letting the machine run = unintended consequence. Like procrastination. Without further ado:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work/homework/writing as a negative and tedious experience that is to be avoided or spent as little time with as I possibly can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a negative experience to the word 'tedious,' and within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the patience to do what needs to be done according to what's best for myself and others, equally. This means 'pleasure seeking' as self-serving only, has no place other than as a life-distraction for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into seeking pleasure as a habit that is used when avoiding a negative experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that through pleasure seeking, I am existing as a starting point of pain, so in relationship to procrastination, I hide the experience of pain associated with my work as I move toward the positive experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ever wait until the last minute to do work, and in this not seeing that I've short changed myself out of an honest expression of myself within my work. Within the negative association that placed onto work, I suffered unnecessarily through the delay of that pain, trying to make it go away without having to honestly do the work. This is the way of the cheater that takes shortcuts and lies about it to hide the layers of experience created without understanding how or why experiences feel a certain way. I understand that it's all creations of my past, just gotta find where...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to acquire the perception that work is a negative experience from parents/others, and for accepting that perception as valid, and for projecting that experience onto any and all work that wasn't immediately aligned with my self-interests.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to rush through my process and delay facing the resistances, and temporarily hiding them from myself within a positive illusion. I commit myself to patiently walking through and writing down any resistance that gets in my way. I own it, I allow it, I stop it. Simple, the design is simple, yet from the perspective of limitation, the task seems daunting. tedious, hard, impossible, not worth the effort...ya, a limited perspective indeed, clouded by numerous thoughts/feelings/emotions.

Nice artwork by  Kelly Posey

When and as I see myself moving from self-direction into delay as the seeking of positive experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that within this act of procrastination, I've wrongly accused work as such a negative experience (within assumption or future projection) that my mind actively seeks positive experience distractions that do not benefit me within my process of self-realizing all as one. I commit myself to continue facing resistance. I commit myself to stop simply allowing resistance as mind to direct my actions from day to day. I commit myself to digging deeper into resistance, like fear of failure, wasting time, etc. and to patiently persist in facing them and letting them go. I am here. I direct me. Stopping the bullshit takes more courage than I initially estimated, so this is a process of unraveling layers and building momentum within the courage to persist as self-honest.

The mind is to predictable to be fun, "been there done that" sort of thing...until you're jaded.

Join me in the pursuit of doing what's best for ALL always. You owe it to yourself ;)