Day 131 - Fear of stopping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping the positively charged indulgences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping the negatively associated indulgences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping the mind and ending the pursuit of a higher energetic experience stimulus.

^ This is the point that I want to capture. It's broadly applied as the ending of the seeking a positive reward. A bunch of things come up. For me the first ones that come up are: taste of candy, taste of certain foods, sexual orgasm, winning video games, feeling of tobacco/drugs/alcohol, looking physically fit, successful status in society, parents, and peers eyes, and so on.

The problem with these experiences is that they dominate my time. If I'm being self-honest and responsible within my relationship to completing work, I can certainly still allow myself to enjoy life.  So the real issue here is self-direction vs mind-direction.  The moment of allowing my mentally impulsed desire to manifest into decision, directing me, instead of me moving from the awareness of my breath and doing what I know needs to be done. How do I know what needs to be done?

It's all about building structures of support for myself and then for others. Building support structures within the principle of Best for All, is it. So, when my time is being directed by my mind to get a simple positive reward, I realize I am mind-controlled. I commit myself to standing up within my desire, just as a fear, and laughing at it, giving perspective to it, and breathing...I stop I breathe.

And when the common sense direction isn't clear, I ask myself:

How can I best use my time right now that is supportive to myself, and ultimately all?

..to be continued.

Day 116 - Sticky Black Hole

I woke this morning by quickly sitting up and saying aloud "I forgive myself!...for accepting and allowing myself to believe I'm stuck." Just before this I recall a hazy subconscious image of a sticky black hole that kept pulling my back in.

My immediate interpretation was that this stickiness is the delay/postponement/fall point, where I allow myself to fall back into the old habit, whatever it may be. This point of continually allowing myself to submit, to be stuck within my existence was frightening enough to wake me suddenly, but I've done this my whole life and have just been suppressing it with distractions, which is the black hole in one way. So not seeing and hiding this function of my conscious participation/direction, was the easy way. Just existing within and as the sticky black hole and not realizing it was a perpetual, sustained existence. As I've been working through the point of procrastination, it has opened up more and more.

Related posts:
Day 112 - Not wanting to face myself today
Day 108 - All Day Delay
Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fireDay 104 - Walking through resistance

And, I'm really starting to narrow and focus in on this design. How effective I've been in addressing the point has not been perfect at all, but I feel like I can't ignore this state of existence anymore. I can just sit back and watch myself fall back into the black hole that grabs at me. Though it seems like this force is separate from me, I realize that I am the black hole. I manifested it as a habit of allowing self to stand down and succumb to the energy pull (i.e. the sweetness of candy, the fun of online virtual battle games). The other part of this equation is the manifested negative experience of leaving the grip of the stickiness as the negative experience assumption of responsibility or self directing self.

This delay point is extensively ingrained within my being, and it will take time to see all the contributing forces of this 'sticky black hole.' As it is relevant to my day experience of myself, I believe I can overcome this force, layer by layer, with the self-forgiveness application that has already brought more awareness to the design. This is self-support, and this is why I write this blog. Any point can be walked through self-forgiveness if you have the courage to face the inner hurricane that cycles the same self-destructive thoughts/fears. 

Slow down the hurricane/black hole. Write yourself out for yourself to see. It's been pretty cool so far. Scary and overwhelming at times, but then I just have more to write about :)

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This post will be continued upon as I continue to specifically unravel the design. Thank you.

Picture from here