Day 445 - Teh Interwebs

What is the interwebz you may ask? (research, research, research)

For me, it is a wonderful space that I can portal through to connect with other people and information, at my will. Its profundity, is simply unseen by the majority that follow the flashing lights. Just like the Vegas-goer archtype, we ourselves seek the lights, the energy, the fun, the stimulation!

This behavior has been studied by people with big money, obviously, and for a long time before the internet generations. So it begs the question, how are the big players of today, capitalizing on our lack of impulse control and desire for stimulations?

Who are the big players in the attention market today? You know the ones. Just pay attention, to where your attention goes when you're connected to the interwebz, most of the time.

Cool crypto side note: The new Brave browser works in conjunction with the Basic Attention Token (BAT) to reward the web content producers based on the time you spend on their websites. I like that it brings more awareness and control of our attention, back to self, instead of those evil marketing scientists vying for our attention, and effectively so! (A multi-billion dollar market!)

The economy of attention is a wonderful concept to bring into awareness. First understand it, then observe self in relation to the new information, then start integrating it into self-awareness. That's done in the physical. Like any practice: Small, humble steps in the beginning. Then you pick up pace, ask smarter questions, take more risks, have a few falls... But before you know it, you're directing your attention with more meta-awareness than you ever even knew was possible!..for example.

Education is a powerful force, when we make it so. I could go on about my thrills and throw downs around this topic of education, but that'll be for blogs to come. The main point to take note of here is: our connection to information is monumentally faster than EVER BEFORE. To the student wielding pointed questions, this is an incredibly powerful tool.

...And with great power comes, great:

RESPONSIBILITY

Kind of a hectic word in my history. But with time, it's growing on me. I've wanted to avoid it, but I like power....hmmm..

I've come to find that there is a direct relationship to responsibility and power. I've sought the leveraged way for many years, trying to do half the work and "earn" twice as much. I saw that others in the world were doing this, and I couldn't see anything preventing me from doing just the same.

So, I asked that question: Why not me?

Years later and because I had become a savvy web user, the answer was able to arrive.

Throughout my schooling years, I utilized the interwebz to seek higher truths. At the end of '09, Desteni group found my attention. I had a blast assimilating that information, because it rang true, based on what I had been reading and researching up to then...but there was one little hiccup. The concept of oneness and equality sounds great, but then I slowly began to realize that if I'm equal, then I can't be more than others, and that was why I started on as a truth-seeker, just lovin' up on the interwebz, learning all I could, so that I could know more than others, and ultimately..save them.

So, years of integration later, I'm still dismantling the savior complex, realizing how normal I am, seeing me as the accepted and allowed programming, and gently letting that of me go, as I breathe into a new physical moment with my body. The equation of oneness and equality is fairly simple in the physical plane of existence. ie. 1+1=2; What is best for all? Piece a cake.

All this to say that my childhood dreams of leveraging intellect to save the world with the least amount of effort, came crashing down. In ways, they're still crashin'!

What I'm finding as the more I let that go, the more stable I am in my workflow, my "generative output" as I like to call it. And with practice, I'm getting more and more honed in on that sweet spot of responsibly directing my attention in the physical for the highest good that I can create, for myself and ultimately others, too. It's an accumulative and worthwhile effort.

With regards to using the interweb to connect with people...

I'll get to that tomorrow.

Day 301 - For Real Though, Go to Bed

Last night didn't go so well. It's like I directly disobeyed myself from the perspective of my post yesterday. Given, I had a 90 minute evening nap that kind of messed up my tiredness schedule. I'm not going to beat myself up, AND I'm also not going to suppress the whole thing. That's been a favorite coping mechanism of mine when I've failed in making a self-change in some of my earlier JTL posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress failure.

I didn't get to bed last night until after watching a few episodes of NBC's Revolution, and reading a bit until I  got too sleepy and had to go to bed. This routine of not attempting to sleep until I am sleepy is how I believed myself to be 'good' at falling asleep. The issue isn't really that I can't sleep unless I'm sleepy. The issue is that I misuse my time. In turn, abuse of time results in awkward sleeping patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be able to sleep when I am not tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am flawed because I cannot sleep at will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse time in such a way that my following day is compromised.

Today, when I woke up I was tired but wanted to have a productive day. I resorted to taking a cognitive enhancer commonly known as adderall. I've experimented with this only a few times before in college. I was always weary of it because I didn't want to become reliant on it. Still now, I see myself fearing inability to deal with and face my own mentally created resistance to focused application of myself in doing work. It's not a simple correction...from the perspective of the resistance that is me. From the perspective that is the life that is me, I don't get tired except by design. There's no reason I can't focus on something, unless I allow myself to sway in the mental tides of attention. Thus,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am susceptible to and a helpless victim of the feeling of lethargy. This is when I feel tired, clouded, distracted, or not having enough energy. I realize that my attention is only defined by an energy fluctuation when I allow it to be. I also realize, that I am not going to get a solid grip on ALL of my mental movements (in the form of backchat or thoughts that create these lethargic feelings) overnight; however, I am able to take on one point at a time. I commit myself to walking through one point of self-change at a time, to completion. This specifically entails I do not slip up where I have made a correction and then suppress it and keep going, no. This means that I do not fall without reconsidering my relationship to each relevant point through the writing process. (Meta Alert) This blog is a great example.

I commit myself to begin walking my day more effectively, instead of delaying everything until the last minute, which really turns into not getting things done. Accomplishment 101: Do work, either now or during a reasonable time frame AS AN AGREEMENT WITH SELF. I commit myself to begin assisting and supporting myself with scheduling agreements that are intimately serious and practical.

Recap of working points:
- Go to bed within a mental state of completion, meaning, to have all my affairs in order and prepared for a lively tomorrow. "Prevention is the best cure," they say. I say they're right, and I'm done waking up with no orientation to the work/tasks of the day.
- Sleep when tired, but do not delay sleep.
- Watch fluctuation of attention, and write out the backchat that empowers the resistance feelings and is used to justify a lack of self-direction.

My sleep character is now in my sights. Remember to write out the thoughts that pertain to some aspect of "I can't (stay focused)." This is all me. I take responsibility. And I'm going to press through resistance until resistance realizes that it can't mess with me anymore.

For now, goodnight.

 pic credit

Day 272 - Success and Failure pt.8

Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question

Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7 - Externalized Directive

Yesterday I started exploring where and when I have abdicated my responsibility to direct myself. I found that there are many specific subjects/scenarios/situations that I let my mind simply choose my path, as if on auto-pilot. There are many ways that I allow my mind to day dream off into other things that I could be doing, other than the current task at hand. For example, since I've begun writing this paragraph, I've wanted to shower...but first maybe go for a run...and then I think about what points I want to write about for the rest of this post...and tomorrow. My focus in the moment wanders without my permission..

Is that what's really happening? Or am I making subtle choices to go into thought about what I want to do/write next?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mind, as a separate entity than myself, for making my mind wander, and so placing self as a victim of my mind that was created from my past. Wow. This is probably how everybody dodges the responsibility of self's choices. I have this awareness of what I know is the self-responsible thing to do, but then the desire steps in to suggest I do otherwise. NOW, the interesting thing: I place myself as a victim of my own desire. I separate myself from the desire. And within that, I place myself as inferior without even realizing this whole process.

All the while I have completely forgotten about my breath, forgotten that I am here, and my mind continues to have this internal battle, friction of right and wrong...but the curious thing here is that the purpose of this internal friction seems to just charge the desire. Back and forth until my argument for the desire wins.

This is a real problem. I could have just accepted that I have a hard time focusing and spent the rest of my life trying to focus, potentially medicating with mental aids like Adderall. Fortunately, I've been able to rely on my "do or die mode" to get the important stuff done when it matters. Doubly fortunate, I've stumbled upon an effective method of self-investigation through self-forgiveness to strengthen and bring my directive principle back to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mind and become a victim of my desire, not realizing that I am the creator of that desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my responsibility in having programmed my own mind to desire certain things based on past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that I am responsible for my desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to follow my desires when experiencing resistance toward writing/work, and within this I apologize to myself (I am sorry) that I have been foolish and let myself go when even faced with a little resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and give into my programming, to relinquish myself to the internal energies that I have structured to suit my self interest and that which makes me feel good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider how much my past influences who I am now, and in this, for forgetting that I created my perspective from past experiences and as the creator, I am responsible for all of me.

When and as I see myself within an internal battle, creating friction between two wants, I stop I breathe. I realize that I know what I really want to do is aligned with what's best for all (and me), and that by participating in the internal debate, I am actually building the argument for the self-compromising desire. I commit myself to live here, and continually bring myself back here, to my breath, when I make self-directive decisions.

I commit myself to make self-honest agreements with myself.

I commit myself to stop trying to spin/justify my choices without being self-honest and considering the whole picture, including the consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the act from the consequence.

I commit myself to realizing the connection between the act and the consequential outflow when making a decision to move or speak. (thought, word, deed...interesting how I left out the thought dimension of this commitment...not ready?..thought dimension to come)

I realize that some of my commitments seem 'ideal' and may to some readers seem impossible. I commit myself to share with my readers my entire 7 year journey to life, the entire process of deconstructing my internal mind programs and recreating them with awareness of what is best for all.

I commit myself to continually investigating where my commitments do not hold up. This relates to 'failure' and my whole failure character. More on this tomorrow!

When and as I see myself experiencing resistance toward my work, I stop, breathe, and realize that I am now within a system/program where my goal is to abdicate my responsibility to be self-directive. I commit myself to write about resistance as it comes up. I commit myself to further exploring the starting point of that resistance. I commit myself to also explore the desirable distractions that I turn to when resistance comes up to investigate that side of the equation and find out how I've created that desire in the context of my past.

I commit myself to giving myself plenty of time to work this all out for myself. This is not a race. This is me effectively applying myself in every moment, every breath. This is me having fun! :)

For a cool, related perspective:

This interview nicely depicts
self-change vs self-compromise.

Day 244 - Where has my Attention Gone?

Continuing from yesterday, I am expanding here on how my attention like to wander. I realize that each individual instance of attention wandering may have various, specific points that require my attention, ha. So the basis of all my self-investigation work requires that I be attentive to what takes my attention away.

cc

I have labeled myself as having ADD, but what that actually entails, I have not thoroughly investigated. To define it, once and for all, Attention Deficit Disorder is, in my experience of it, an agility of thought that moves on to the next thought rapidly and frequently. I can pay attention to something for a long time if I need to/want to, but usually I just don't want to. So, ADD for me is kind of a positive mind state seeking. I want to be engaged with the next thought. That's the positive definition that I have utilized to cope with "ADD."

The negative side is how the willingness to not give too much attention to any one thing causes much unfinished business. I tend to have a difficult time with long and tedious work, and usually just let my mind jump around until I must stay focused (i.e. procrastination & delay patterns). When I used to smoke weed, my attention was diverted continuously within a favorable experience, and the primary consequence was a trail of unfinished work/projects/pursuits. I don't blame the flower, but it did positively amplify the experience of my attention frolicking.

So, this point of establishing a stable attention within myself and in reference to my own self-honesty that is here in every single breath is not going to be as simple and straight forward as I would like it to be. What I've liked is the "freedom" of a wandering attention. This is a major key: realizing that this "freedom" is not real freedom. It's more accurately a predictable out flow of lack of self-control over my attention. My willingness to jump around with whatever is impulsed my way is like the ultimate programming, isn't it? I've opened myself up to psychological attacks from the media, namely,sex and money appeal, but even just now the bag of cookies that my brother just put in front of my face (impulse) caused an internal debate that lead to an imagination and mouth watering that took over control and I ate a damn cookie. In this specific case, I realize that I need to investigate several dimension of my sugar eating character.

Bottom line: establishing a consistent self-awareness of myself AS my attention will be a great benefit to my discipline. Enough prelude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with the alternative attention outlet such that I build up an internal friction-energy that takes me away from my self-attention. So, a key realization here is that what I am correcting is my relationship to the individual subjects/objects of attention that seem to take me over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself go within an energy experience overlay onto whatever is calling for my attention without me considering who I am within that movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here with myself as breath in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my self-attention is who I am, and within this, every time my attention is diverted, I am responsible for that, it was my decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility and self-awareness when I become distracted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself within a series of attention grabs. In this my sense of awareness of self, of my breath, is nonexistent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about my breath of life as who I am in every moment when I blindly follow whatever catches my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my directive power away to whatever distraction that I have deem as interesting. In this process, I am not creating a self-honest agreement in relation to relinquishing my attention from one thing to the next. I am merely within a reactive, predictably programmed mind experience that I had once created within myself from a starting point of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define all self-interested pursuits as valuable and worthy of my attention  not realizing that through this program, I am placing control of my attention outside of myself as I passively seek fulfillment of this desire, which is the base program of my automatic attention diversion acceptances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intentionally become distracted because I am experiencing resistance to what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not always be present with my breath, what is here, and what requires to be done.
--
When and as I see myself within the friction of an internal debate for my attention, I remember to stop and breathe. I realize that if I am with my breath, I may take into consideration a stable perspective and make a real self-directed decision. I commit myself to stop allowing my attention to move with distractions when I become aware of my who I am as my breath. I commit myself to moving from a common sense starting point, and when I am in discord with that, I commit myself to investigate my relationship to whatever had grabbed my attention without permission.

When and as I see myself in a series of attention diversion, I stop I breathe. I realize that I need to start writing down all the distractions, so that I can remember and analyze what I deem is worthy of my attention. I commit myself to the self-honest investigation of all attention grabs.

When and as I see myself deliberately moving into a distraction, I stop I breathe until I am stable. I realize that this is just a well embedded system of conscious diversion. I commit myself to breathing through the resistance that lead me to make a deliberate choice to go into a distraction from whatever I was currently facing.

When and as I see myself in a loss of directive control of my attention, I stop I breathe. I realize I need to investigate the specifics of each particular attention preference that I have coded into my mind. I commit myself to bring myself back to my hereness with my breath, so that I may once again stand up and direct my attention to what is here, what requires to be done to create a world that is best for all.

Thank you.

Day 243 - The Responsibility of Self-Attention

"The solution of attention I present to you is the focused specificity application of yourself as who you are in every moment as every breath. "

While I was walking through my DIP lesson this month, there was a section on attention that I found to be very relevant to what I'm walking through right now. It's so simple and yet so profound.

It's all too often that I allow attention diversions to take me away from my breath, my being here, my presence of and within the moment. Silly distractions even. One my guilty indulgences is this game called Subway Surfers. One of it's main features is that it's "highly addictive." It's also a time sink that I don't really want anyone to know about. Hidden and shameful....nice. SO, I blog about it because it's what has come up.

source

I could go into excuses and justifications why I continually allow myself to play this game, but the key point is that it's one of the major attention diversions in my life. I probably won't even be writing about it if I had somehow decided to open the app while I was watching the Solution of Attention video interview. It was much like a window of opportunity to see myself and finally take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing in this context. There is one other video game app that I like to play, but I'll address that in another post.

Which leads me to a noteworthy side point: selective self-responsibility. Oh, how I react to that concept! Like what the hell am I doing. Okay, breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to become frustrated with myself for what I have been allowing myself to exist as and participate in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry that I do not act within the common sense of what is best for all.

I compromise myself through repetitive allowance of attention diversion. It's bullshit. It's shameful. And this is where SF come in. Breathe..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, for a long time, continue to participate in the video game because I want to have lots of virtual coins. Why? I want the purchasing power, even if it is only within the game. Oh man, there is something else going on here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be greedy and filled with desire to have lots of (virtual/not real) money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will have real satisfaction from unlocking something new. This is a primary additive point for most video games.

Now, why is this (guilty) indulgence something that I must stop? It's who I am within it. I reduced myself to a simplified, zombie state. Motivated by a transient/null reward, I play it every day so I can get the "super mystery box" each time I play. The consequence of letting this play out, unchecked, unmoderated, unfettered, automatically, is an accumulation of lost time, time that I will never get back. And this is vital time. I am walking my process. Don't I want to be as effective as I can be? YES! I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for relinquishing my attention.

I commit myself to to patiently and consistently work myself back to here by investigating these long running patterns of lost time where I have allowed an attention diversion and deliberately not investigate it.

I'll continue tomorrow with more detailed SF on Self-Attention. For now, If you are curious about the video interview I was watching, I am happy to inform you that it's publicly available here: The Solution of Attention

:)

Day 228 - Becoming Consistent with Focus

This is a continuation of Day 227 - Sticking to one mission at a time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more productive when I multitask, and so feel compelled to do more than one thing at once.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be MORE THAN productive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that multitasking actually slows my productivity as I am not fully directing my side-tracking, rather bouncing from one thing to the next as if I am on auto-pilot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for and follow distractions when faced with a challenge or resistance within applying myself in the context of "work."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply let slide my reactions of resistance toward work, not realizing that each and every single movement is my responsibility as a statement of who I am / what I allow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails, eat candy, play video games, do laundry, do other work, when I am experiencing resistance toward a task, such as this JTL post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my decision to delay a task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the timely completion of a task through the thought "there is plenty enough time," not realizing how I am compromising my ability to do the primary task AND other work more effectively.
 --
When and as I see myself abdicating my responsibility to direct myself through playing the Victim Character of some externalized force such as ADD, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am responsible for all of my directions, preprogrammed or otherwise. I commit myself to the continual realization that I am responsible for every movement I make.
..I have a long way to go, but accumulation is the only way. One bite at a time. 1+1+1+1...

When and as I see myself multitasking, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have chosen to multitask because of a desire to be ultra-effective with my time. I commit myself to breathing and questioning if I am diminishing my effectiveness within a particular task.

When and as I see myself on productivity auto-pilot, I stop I breathe. I realize that I wasn't consciously directing myself and completely unaware of my breath. I commit myself to create a plan to get back to my original task if the current task is worth the current attention. No more task, to item, to interest, to video, to curiosity, to other side-track. This behavior leads me down a path that I did not intend. I commit myself to move with intention.

When and as I see myself moved by distractions such as nail biting, candy, fun, interest, I stop I breathe. I recognize the resistance. I commit myself to breathing until the resistance fades and to continue with the primary task. I commit myself to pushing through that resistance, and if necessary, to investigate how I have created a relationship toward a given task that yields that resistance.

When and as I see myself abusing time by putting off responsibility, I stop I breathe. I realize that what's actually going on inside of me is a reluctance to face a responsibility, and I have entered into an energy of resistance and allowed it to direct me within tiredness or some form of laziness. I commit myself to sit and breathe and get back on track, finish my objective, and plan for rest.

The key in all of this is to have a plan. A day plan. An hour plan. A project plan. A plan for multiple projects. There's no limit to how I organize/structure my time. The important element is that I do organize and structure my time, effort, and even sleep.

I commit myself to planning when and as I see myself moving from task to task, unplanned.

photo from flickr cc

Day 186 - Happy Be-Earth Day

Today is my birthday.

So what?

- People give me attention. I like it. Facebook has amplified this effect by making it easier for others to contact me.
- Family wants to treat me specially.
- I feel like it is a significant day more for introspective reasons and life assessment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need/want/like when others give me attention because it validates my existence in a way. - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the external attention I receive, where more attention = I am more. - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am more than life, in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that my family will give me special treatment on my birthday. - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to power trip and take advantage of the high/special position that I am placed in to dictate how things should go today, not realizing that this is an energetic resonance that I have long sought throughout my life: control. How have I missed my control freak character?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make one day, or even one moment more special than any other moment, where in this I accept and allow the mind to amplify and augment reality as I go off into it as a departure from reality here. - I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to treat every day as special and significant to reflect on who I am / who I've become, so that I can direct myself to be productive and effective within every able moment.
--
When and as I see myself or a particular moment as more special than someone or some other time, I stop I breathe. I realize that my mind creates this feeling and through my participation within it, I create consequence within polarity. I commit myself to walk out of my favorite personalities/characters where I generate a conception of my self-worth in relation / comparison toward others. I commit myself to this equalization process until all is free.

openclipart