Day 347 - Disjointed Daily Blogging

Ok, I breathe, and I write here.

I'm now walking through this specific point of resisting writing: I have one idea of what I had been intending to write, and then the moment passes, new stuff comes up, and I want to write about the new point, but the looming previous writing topic is saying, "No Dan, write about me first! You said you would." Haha.

And so what do I do? I get frustrated that I won't let myself write about the new point, and then I also build more resistance to the original point because I blame it for preventing me to write about what I want to write about. Oh my goodness, I am going to now disentangle this.

Red Panda ..? Interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional charge toward my daily blogging when and as I get backed up.

It's a build up of points. I'm holding on to the original point for reasons I didn't specify for myself. Now, I'm speaking in general for all the times that I delay the writing. So this frustration is a consequence of not being consistent with my writing here.

What else adds to my backchat when faced with writing in my Journey to Life blog? Today I witnessed myself thinking that I am out of condition and that my writing will suck. It's as if I had never really transcended this writing self-doubt point, that I had just constructed a work around...When I first started blogging, I recall saying to myself, "whatever, I'll just push myself to do it, and then I just [automatically] get better at writing over time." So I kind of never really addressed this writing/communication doubt that I have; I only circumvented it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have been moving through resistances too quickly, in that I'm not actually considering everything that's behind and that composes the personality patterns that I live. Within this realization, I commit myself to slow down, investigate fully the nature of why I do and say things outside of the best for all parameter. It's these moments that I now choose to give myself the time to look at slowly, in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking too long with one point. Within this, I now realize that not wanting to take too long with one point is not only why I've been prone to rushing though process, but it's also a starting point source for the frustration I feel when I do take too long with a point. I commit myself to not quickly label general observations about myself, such as "So this frustration is a consequence of not being consistent with my writing here" as I wrote just a moment ago, but to instead constantly release my perspective to dive deeper and investigate the reality of myself at a level where self-honesty can actually be applied.

Slow down, figure out what works. When the solution isn't here, slow down, figure out what works. If I focus on the problem, I am likely using a narrow context and missing crucial factors that would assist me in reaching the solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move to quickly through my daily living. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify that moving faster is better, and in this not consider the point of being thorough and here in every breath.

When and as I see myself not wanting to write my daily blog, I stop I breathe. I ask myself, "why?" I write. I get to the bottom of the resistance, and I stop the pattern. I commit myself to restructuring my behavioral patterns on a deeper level where I can be self-honest about what I've been doing and why.

I commit myself to stop fearing that I will not write well. I commit myself to giving myself the space to write a daily blog even if it's not perfect, neat and easily read by you. I commit myself to realizing that it actually doesn't take that much time when I sit down and write. I commit myself to breathe and move myself to write daily again.

Day 299 - Doing one thing, Thinking about another

The concept of thinking about 'other' stuff when one is doing something else: it is a quandary. While enjoying the morning sunshine, I was thinking about this concept and amused by my meta-ness. I realized that this type of separation from the moment here is widespread and pervasive. I also made a connection to self-doubt: If I was confident that I can and would do all that I need to do when I'm doing it, I would have no impulse to figure out what to do in advance.

Elaborating with an example: Here I am. Thinking about the near future. Why? I don't trust my future self, I am uncomfortable with uncertainty, I am worried/anxious, and it can be a source of motivation for the initial movement from here.

These are the initial justifications that come up supporting separation. Lacking self-trust, relationship with uncertainty, anxious/worried, and practical motivation. It's interesting to look at it now and see all the different movements, whereas in the past when I've seen myself doing one thing and thinking another, I would just focus on that practical motivation justification and dismiss the investigation with "well I must think about what I'm doing next." I realize now that many of my wandering journeys into thought are brought into motion by deep seated personality dynamics that I've spent little to no time investigating. So if I don't want to be a particular personality that manifests from a subconscious layer, I must give myself the time to map that personality and discover the inner workings of it/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the totality of myself behind a single justification and not realize it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emphasize and stop at the contemplative solution that makes sense and requires no further effort or self-change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I can't give up my daydreaming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to think about the future because if I do not, then I will do nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I can accomplish what is already on my to do list, given that I have allowed myself enough time to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am worried and anxious when I begin thinking about what I will do later on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the uncertainty I have of myself, my direction in the future, and what that implies: abdication of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to know everything now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know and control my future now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope I will do what I want to do, instead of realizing my responsibility to practically do that I want to do.

When and as I see myself justifying a personality or opinion that I have about myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that I may very well be missing something when I sense myself in fight/argument mode with myself. I commit myself to checking myself to see if I am emotionally invested in a contemplative solution, and if so, breathe and check myself again within self-honesty.

When and as I see myself thinking about what I have to do today from an anxious state of mind, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here right now, and I will be able to appropriately direct myself within a task when the time comes. I commit myself to spending time with myself here in this moment, to face me in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself worried about my ability to accomplish the tasks of my future, I stop I breathe. I realize that to frantically try to walk all the steps of my future tasks in my head instead of enjoying my breakfast, for example, is a futile waste of energy. I commit myself to breathe myself back to the moment here, and take a practical stance to assess how I will need to structure my day / budget my time.

Each of these components will need to be minded. I commit myself to watching myself keenly when and as I see myself in thought in separation of the moment here. This is going to be an interesting sub-journey, as I've long thought it impossible to stop thinking / worrying about my immediate future. Challenge accepted. Game on. Come at me Mind! Show me what you're made of! :)

picture from here

Day 298 - Under the hood of Self Doubt

Continuing from: Day 297 - Doubting Myself

Yesterday was a little introduction to my self-doubt character. Today I want to add some depth, still maintaining the perspective that this personality is a huge umbrella of points that I must face.....I just wandered off into a cool thought of creating an info-graphic map of my mind. Perhaps when I get closer to Day 2555, I will build a visual based on this blog. Heck, I could get started now. Day dreaming aside...actually this relates. I've come to realize that these day dreams are one of the key components of self-doubt. How? Let me explain.

I was searching for some perspective on 'doubt' in the wiki and found this blob of self forgiveness (here, and scroll down a little) related to "Desire of being Special." From there I drew a little map of how I might connect my spaciness design to self-doubt. To verbally walk you through it: My self-belief that I am special, leads me to think I will be able to obtain 'easy wins' in life, then reality hits, and I go into conflict and uncertainty. From there fear of failure grapples me to the ground.

This little cycle is nice and neat! I'm happy to have drawn it out. There is still room to expand if need be, but for now I have plenty to work with. Altogether now, out loud:
;)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get what I want more easily than others can because I am special or gifted in some way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to day dream about how I will achieve great feats.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my imagination so powerful that once I have an idea, all the hard work is irrelevant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how important hard work is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can just get others to do the hard work, once they are on board with my great/special vision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape hard work my whole life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that my thoughts are special and superior to others' thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing reality and diminishing the realness of imagined greatness in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can beat reality if I am smart enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others seem dumb, so I could preserve and strengthen the idea that I am smarter than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the imagination of my ability, instead of realizing the actual value of practical application.

• In this I realize that by emotionally investing myself as the imagination version of myself that I've created the circumstances of uncertainty and self-doubt, for I am constantly reminded of the reality that is all around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fight and suppress reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually attempt to validate my own inner reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wrong about who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know who I am though imagining the best version of myself that I could, without considering who I am in the context of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure because then my inner, imagined reality of myself would shatter, and I would be lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in how I think others perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct the belief of who I am, based on how I think others perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear failure.

--

When and as I see myself thinking about how great I will be in an imagined future, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am here, one and equal with the physical reality. I commit myself to start connecting my thoughts to reality by considering the practical steps that are required to achieve my vision. By doing this, I will have a grounded decision framework, instead of acting on an emotional whim whenever a 'brilliant idea' strikes.

When and as I see myself as inherently superior to others, I stop I breathe. I realize I am in for an uncomfortable, humiliating experience of myself within the domain of my ego. I commit myself to remember to breathe when in the company of others, and thus realize myself as and equal and one expression of life / chunk of physical.

When and as I see myself afraid to face reality, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have built an expectation, based on past memories. I commit myself to start looking more closely at the memories with which I construct expectations that I invest myself in, causing fear of it not happening how I imagined it / failure within a moment of reality.

Much still to go. Thanks for reading me.

photo credit

Day 297 - Doubting Myself

flickr

It's vicious habit. When watch myself spiral and go into a state of being that I had no desire to be in, I play victim without a clear target for blame. In this type of situation, I'm pretty sure that I know I am responsible for my behavior and mental state, but I suppress it and turn to a confused state. This confused state is also uncomfortable, so it gets suppressed too. At this point, I've buried all evidence of self-responsibility, including the irresolution. I am left with no other option than to carry on, and so make the choice to do so as effectively as I can - meaning focus on the next motivation, stay happy, stay intrigued, be cool.

This is a pretty intimate writing investigation. I've never really spent the time to see this pattern, this doubt character and all the mental processes that are within it. Though I may exist as this, even presently, I have the power to change. The Desteni group has played a pivotal part in my path of self-introspection. They say write, I resist. I resist for a little over two years. Damn. I can't even begin to wonder where I would be now if I was serious and proactive from the get go, but I don't because I'm here now.

Getting stuck in the past is the cause of self-doubt. I mean, why would I doubt myself without a preconceived idea of how I might fail, based in my past? I wouldn't. If I was just here, I'd have no reason to doubt me. I would only be able to express me, and herein lies a key: If I am not simply here, where, how and why am I hung up on my past?

Like a little child, I must keep asking "why" to get to the bottom of any personality formation. I realize that I'm not going to walk through and release all the dimensions of my self doubt character in clump. I've tried that in earlier posts. Even now I have this same feeling of clarity and insight into myself, that I react to by thinking/feeling that now I see everything and I'm ready to change RIGHT NOW. Such an ego moment. Flag point: "I see it all" / desire for self-change right now. Now, I understand I need to give myself the time to really walk each and every step.

Step 1 was start writing, check.
Step 2 could be different for everyone I suppose. I focused on getting comfortable with forgiving myself while holding my sights on this mysterious concept of self-honesty. The more I slow down and really consider each thought/energy/movement within me, the more I see where I can apply self-honesty. It's certainly a process. They call it the process of self, and it looks something like this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have everything sorted out within me as soon as I reveal to myself the tip of the ice berg of a single personality manifestation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have it all sorted out before I start sorting it all out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my self-investigation because I fear failure / rejection / criticism because I have placed more weight on what others think of me than what I think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish things would have played out differently, not realizing how this state of thinking is contributing to and creating myself here now and in the future. I am determining my future through my hang ups on the past. This has to stop. How? Be here. How? Breathe. Also, investigate the layers and patterns that I participate in given certain circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my past reactions, and thus play victim of my residual/momentous past self instead of breathing and being here with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix my past self. *click* That's what I've been trying to do all along. I've been focused and frustrated trying to change the unchangeable self of the past.

I'm going to let this settle. Join tomorrow for added depth.

Day 222 - Important Realization of Self-Change

Laying down some cool perspective for you (and me):

Yesterday, I uncovered quite a serious point of externalizing my trust, where my internal sense of trust in and of myself has long been missing. To expand on this point within the dimension of practically establishing self-trust, I am further grasping the importance of self-movement.

Just moments ago, I listened to this interview with Enlil, and he reiterated a familiar notion throughout the Desteni material: Self-movement or practical corrective application. I suppose it one of those concepts that takes hearing it many times for it to click. Well, I've been kind of wavering between walking this process for externally justified reasons and for self, and more so recently, I'm getting a feel for that starting point. The past week I've been much more on top of the ball in terms of starting my blog earlier in the day, with the self-honest starting point of investigating myself for myself (and sharing it). Today, time steps in and tells me, "write! Or who the hell are you?"

I've already written about how time is an external point of motivation, but obviously that is not the whole picture as to why I procrastinate. Elaboration is required for the sake of building perspective and, hey, that self-trust! But the point I am working with today is specifically the second component.

1) Elaborate, build perspective and increase awareness through writing and self-forgiveness.
2) Move this into a practically applied correction.

The support found through Desteni really emphasizes Self-Forgiveness, and that is often a necessary first step to self change, but what I am finding, is that SF will not take me all the way through to self-change. I have underestimated the second point of corrective application. In the midst of becoming accustomed to the writing of self-forgiveness, I had experienced quite a fair amount of resistance to "corrective application." So much so, that I even hid from myself that I was just writing it because it was expected of me.

So, how do I move me into practically correcting my relationship to corrective application? First with self-forgiveness to bring in awareness (although I already feel I have a good amount of awareness here, I usually find more when digging with SF). Then, I will place into writing commitment statements that are able to be practically lived. No more half-hearted commitments to self.
--
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the importance of self-corrective application statements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write my commitments because of an external motivation of expectation from others, instead of allowing myself to write commitments solely for the purpose of directing self-change effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that "corrective application" is a process onto itself, where I am writing real, practical self-direction statements that serve no purpose if I do not practically live them out in the physical. I actually have to move me physically if I want to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will change automatically so long as I commit to writing self-forgiveness. Yup, this is the point I was reaching toward.
--
When and as I see myself writing these self-commitment statements from the starting point of energy, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have often breezed through this section because of time pressure, not really considering my commitments practically, and thus effectively wasting my time. I commit myself to take a breath before every commitment statement, if only to see for myself who I am in that moment. For instance, just now I resisted right after typing "I commit myself," and as I took that breath, I saw my resistance was doubt. Self-doubt. Opposite of self-trust.

It is this singular point of self-distrust that is making commitments so difficult, to the point that, in self-honesty,  I am not taking the commitments seriously. Just waiting for the day that they become more effective automatically. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my commitment statements will become more effective without actually having to move myself with effort to live them out in the physical. I commit myself to taking my commitment statements seriously. In that, no longer accept or allow myself to just simply write them for show.

When and as I see myself resisting commitment statements because I do not trust myself to practically live and apply them, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my opportunity to change myself. I commit myself to seizing this self-gifted opportunity to change myself by practically living my new, written laws of self.

Thank you.

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