Day 400 - Self-Leadership in a Relationship, Part 2

The key insight for the success of a relationship:

Reorienting Self to Self

I got stuck in a subtle, long-term possession of sorts. Moving across the country to live with this lady person wasn't the plan. Two weeks later, it was. I prepared to leave my family over the next 5 months, and when the time came, I was in a completely new environment. Granted, I have had a lot of practice with this when in college. Each year I picked a new place to live and embraced the randomness of Craigslist to assign my housemates. Each year, I adapted, and in doing so, I significantly created myself based on who I was living with. My operating philosophy at the time: In order to be successful in the future, I needed to be able to handle myself in any living environment. I saw it as a challenge and a practice in flexibility; however, I didn't realize how much I was compromising myself by creating my character to be at the whim of my world. Perhaps I promoted harmony, but I didn't stand as the director of my reality.

Now, living with my LP, we're committed to becoming the directive principle of our lives in alignment with what is best for all. That's not an overnight process. Closer to 7 years. Walking with another process walker, we are constantly facing our minds, day-in and day-out. It's safe to say that this is far from the easy, go-with-the-flow style of living that I had been operating within most of my life. This has been far more real, far more challenging, and unquestionably more rewarding.

So what is really the difference? How I had learned to live was primarily through self-interest, meaning that I would dynamically alter my expression: thoughts, words & deeds, to get from life that which I wanted. The scope of my consideration was narrowly what I saw would best suit me. I enjoyed laughing and getting along with people, so one of my favorite characters was a humor-oriented personality. There is also a fear energy of not being accepted by others, so I was kind of hitting two birds with one stone. I had no idea how I was using my mind to create these well-adapted characters, nor did I have any idea of the consequences.

Creating harmony-producing characters is simply not working anymore. Those personalities function on a more surface level. My LP and I are committed to going deep, sorting out the false personalities, and getting to know the real Self here. This task is much more involved than creating a temporary personality, and this means it's not going to be all pretty and lovely-dovey all the time. The friction and conflict between us is much like tilling the earth for the next season of growth. This can be most uncomfortable! We're drudging up many of our personal 'truths', the ways which we've accepted and defined the world to be. But Hey, it's a new year, and they say the first year of an agreement relationship is the hardest.

I have already begun to see how we're shifting from 'fighting for our limitations' - which is how we say: fighting to be right or to protect our existing 'knowledge' - and into understanding each other, accepting each other, and moving to firstly change self. Letting go of her in a way, frees me up to focus on myself and my process through the mind. One of the most supportive tools I've been focusing on developing is: Listening. More on that to come.

There are plenty more tools to define and use, and I'll make a more sincere effort to begin sharing them with you here. Writing is so incredibly essential if you want to move forward into/as life. The mind will play games to no end if you let it. The coolest part about being in an agreement is that neither of us will let it happen to either of us. There is no question in my mind whether moving across the country was worth it or not. My life partner and I are going to Garb-Dan the world together :)

Day 399 - Self-Leadership in a Relationship

I am quickly approaching the one year mark of living with my agreement partner. The past three weeks have been pivotal for me in realizing who I have become since moving in with my life partner, and who I want to be as a self-lead individual, acting to create that which is best for all within common sense.

We had little break for a weekend, and this space and time served as an opportune moment for me to reflect on who I have become. We have been constantly falling into the age-old pattern blaming each other as the problem and source of disharmony in our lives. Why would I continue unchanged when I see that the real problem is how I perceive and approach conflict in my life? Why am I here in this pattern? What happened to how I used to be?

I used to have this inner drive to excel and create, mind you, this drive is not free of energy. The desire for superiority, for praise and pride, for power, for longevity, for immortality through lasting creation, all of this contributed to the energetic personality that I specifically structured in my younger years.

That, I had to protect. Those false priorities of narrow and self-interested mind...they held my inner drive for excellence together. They comprised a very intimate sense of self. Before beginning my agreement-relationship, I was not fully ready to take on these dimensions of character. I was preserving them, and justifying how they can still exist in alignment with Desteni / best for all living. Living in close proximity with another process walker is an outstanding amplifier of self-honesty.

And because neither of us have walked this process of creating a comprehensive set of living agreements from which we define and shape our lives, individually and together, neither of us had an overwhelming quality of grace when trying to support the other to see themselves self-honestly. Lots of finger pointing, and disgruntled nights. It was uncomfortable for both of us. Reminding myself how the squabbling and reactive fights are revealing the mind's dominion of my vocal chords, and reminding myself of the end-picture, the potential that I know we will create together, is how I remained stable through the dark hours of the mind. It's only energy, and I'll be damned if I'm going to allow it to sabotage a physical potential for authentic love.

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What have I come to realize? I'll share that tomorrow.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to protect my self-dishonest nature of self as the desires for greatness, immortality through the creations that will outlast my lifetime.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate on manifesting moments with others in which I will feel praised, so that I can feel proud within the self-concept construct of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that who I believe myself to be is not who I am physically, and within this, for not realizing that who I am physically (in writing, in the spoken word, in action) is all that truly matters in the grand scheme of life on earth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to really let go of who I am as the mind, as the self-concept, as the person I desire to be reassured by my external reality, of who I fear I'm not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the solution of covering up my own fears. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that hiding my fears is but a bandage bound to fall off.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, understand and ACT within the ultimate solution as facing all of myself within self-honesty, to dispel the illusion of grandeur, to forgive the fears, and to create lasting, best for all solutions that will stand into eternity.

And,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually blame my external world and the people in it when life isn't handing me ego-validation on a silver platter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this journey to life for granted, and within that, for taking my agreement partnership for granted.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've been taking these processes for granted by attempting to perpetuate constructs that support me as the mind, as my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project how I want the world to be and how I want others in my world to be and be toward me, onto the physical reality, and to not see how this is a serious force creating conflict in my life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider the physical first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run within the energies of the mind that pop up so nice and automatically for me...from me.


Thank you, my precious ego. You're prior ideas about the world and yourself in it are no longer of service.

Thank you, my dearest breathing body, for sticking with me through this horrible abuse that my ego perpetuates. I promise to diligently work through all the layers of dishonesty and bring myself home to the physical. I can, and I will.

*Picture attribution link

Day 394 - Inertia of Self

Inertia: (physics) the tendency of a body to maintain its state of rest or uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force

I have been a body at rest. Life has thrown at me a myriad of impulses (external forces) that have moved me in a multitude of directions. The impulses that I accept and allow most, become the direction in which I most travel. Inertia.

Fascinating! My force within me has hardly been expressing. This force, this initiative force that comes from within me, not an external force, is a force that I must actively create and strengthen. It starts small and while I'm still within the storm of velocities that I'm traveling as a consequence of external influences that I took on. So, firstly, this inner force must be directed at understanding itself, myself. Knowing who I am as this inner force will require practice, testing and living. I no longer allow myself as a victim of inertia.

I create or allow movement. I am a being subject to inertia. I must see, realize and understand my velocities, or directions in which my personality has developed and so guides me currently. My current speed and direction that shapes my life path must be stopped if I am to create a new velocity for my life. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see this dynamic of how I am a product of my past, traveling down my life path with not even an ounce of 'free will'. I commit myself to create movement as a manifested stopping power for my pre-existing state of inertia. I commit myself to create myself as manifested movement in the direction that supports what is best for all.

Desteni has a very specifically created direction. The Desteni material was an external force unlike most of the others. It forced me to look at myself with Self-honesty, and for the first time I began recognizing my own inertia. I still have sooo much inertia that continues to move and create within the self-interest & survival principles. But now that I'm a Destonian, I have an understanding of my own inertia and my capacity to change it.

I'm not condemned to the direction my life was headed before I started investigating the Desteni material. I understand and see my Self-Directive, Principled Living Potential. Now I am continually faced with the awareness of my current movement and state of inertia. Now, I have the choice to be self-honest and direct myself according to what will create best for all outcomes for life.

Life has an inertia to it. It's unstoppable. The programmed mind also has an inertia quality to it, but it's much more easily stopped. It's just a program. I, as an internal and principled Life-Force, am able to direct effort toward rewriting the program. It's just an educated choice.

It's easy to remain inert, but at death...you don't want to look back and see that you were merely a creation of inertia. You want to look back and see the inertia you've created.

Start educating yourself. Investigate everything. Give yourself the choice to express as life. Best. Gift. Ever.

desteni.org

pic credit

Day 297 - Doubting Myself

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It's vicious habit. When watch myself spiral and go into a state of being that I had no desire to be in, I play victim without a clear target for blame. In this type of situation, I'm pretty sure that I know I am responsible for my behavior and mental state, but I suppress it and turn to a confused state. This confused state is also uncomfortable, so it gets suppressed too. At this point, I've buried all evidence of self-responsibility, including the irresolution. I am left with no other option than to carry on, and so make the choice to do so as effectively as I can - meaning focus on the next motivation, stay happy, stay intrigued, be cool.

This is a pretty intimate writing investigation. I've never really spent the time to see this pattern, this doubt character and all the mental processes that are within it. Though I may exist as this, even presently, I have the power to change. The Desteni group has played a pivotal part in my path of self-introspection. They say write, I resist. I resist for a little over two years. Damn. I can't even begin to wonder where I would be now if I was serious and proactive from the get go, but I don't because I'm here now.

Getting stuck in the past is the cause of self-doubt. I mean, why would I doubt myself without a preconceived idea of how I might fail, based in my past? I wouldn't. If I was just here, I'd have no reason to doubt me. I would only be able to express me, and herein lies a key: If I am not simply here, where, how and why am I hung up on my past?

Like a little child, I must keep asking "why" to get to the bottom of any personality formation. I realize that I'm not going to walk through and release all the dimensions of my self doubt character in clump. I've tried that in earlier posts. Even now I have this same feeling of clarity and insight into myself, that I react to by thinking/feeling that now I see everything and I'm ready to change RIGHT NOW. Such an ego moment. Flag point: "I see it all" / desire for self-change right now. Now, I understand I need to give myself the time to really walk each and every step.

Step 1 was start writing, check.
Step 2 could be different for everyone I suppose. I focused on getting comfortable with forgiving myself while holding my sights on this mysterious concept of self-honesty. The more I slow down and really consider each thought/energy/movement within me, the more I see where I can apply self-honesty. It's certainly a process. They call it the process of self, and it looks something like this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have everything sorted out within me as soon as I reveal to myself the tip of the ice berg of a single personality manifestation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have it all sorted out before I start sorting it all out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my self-investigation because I fear failure / rejection / criticism because I have placed more weight on what others think of me than what I think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish things would have played out differently, not realizing how this state of thinking is contributing to and creating myself here now and in the future. I am determining my future through my hang ups on the past. This has to stop. How? Be here. How? Breathe. Also, investigate the layers and patterns that I participate in given certain circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my past reactions, and thus play victim of my residual/momentous past self instead of breathing and being here with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fix my past self. *click* That's what I've been trying to do all along. I've been focused and frustrated trying to change the unchangeable self of the past.

I'm going to let this settle. Join tomorrow for added depth.

Day 273 - Success and Failure pt.9

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Continuing with:
Day 264 - Success vs Projected Success
Day 265 - Success and Failure pt.1 - Imagination Dimension of Success
Day 266 - Success and Failure pt.2 - Opening Resistance to Success
Day 267 - Success and Failure pt.3 - Spiraling Distraction
Day 268 - Success and Failure pt.4 - Components of Resistance
Day 269 - Success and Failure pt.5 - The Critical Moment
Day 270 - Success and Failure pt.6 - The Direction Question
Day 271 - Success and Failure pt.7 - Externalized Directive
Day 272 - Success and Failure pt.8 - The Problem with Mind-Self Separation

Failure Character

You see what I did there? Today is the first time I put a title ^ and from now on, I'm going to only not name my blog in the beginning with intention. This way I am either direct and focused on my writing point, or I am directing an exploration of myself through writing. Now, I wish to speak on a point that has held me back from expanding myself soooooo many times. It's one of those things that's shameful in retrospect and "if I could go back in time, I'd tell myself..."  SO, my solution here is to acknowledge this habit and forgive it. I will also begin applying the living correction, but there's an interesting dynamic at play in this.

When I commit to live the change that I have written about, and fail, my past tendency had been to retreat and isolate myself into myself. Like a very real, lived suppression, I hide inside of myself. It's some ass backwards self-protection mechanism that I picked up some where along the way. This is no longer allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure, create failure and to within failure, react to failure by suppressing myself into an alternate mind reality where I believe I am safer than if I am present within the physical space-time reality moment of here. In this, I realize now that I've been compounding the fear of failure by reacting to it within fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to failure within fear, not realizing that I'm completely entranced within circular fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which I was compromising myself in a downward spiral of manifesting fear, when and as I perceive failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure according to something that is bad and needs to be avoided, run from, hidden from, within this allowing myself to react to failure by going into a mental, ego protection stance within myself. I've never before been directly aware of how/why I feared failure. It sure is nice to dig it up and face it!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing myself within not being able to uphold my commitments to myself such that when I do failure, I react instead of standing back up to resiliently persist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall and retreat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up and press forward with failure perceived as a supportive lesson to take with me.

Ahh, that is the key. My perception of failure needs to be gradually shifted and practiced like anything else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fail in applying what I have learned about my fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my backdoor, encryption programs that exist to ensure I do not change and realize my power to move myself one and equal within and as a directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've been holding myself back by fearing to face my fear. It's a simple encryption when I see it, but it's rather effective when I'm in it.

When and as I see myself within a cyclical experience of fear of failure, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not here, directing the situation effectively. I commit myself to remembering who I am with my breath, to stand up, and chose to move/speak within common sense.

When and as I see myself fearing my inability to produce practical, living change of myself, I stop I breathe. I now recognize how this 2 bit encryption (fearing fear) is me actually creating the conditions for failing and so compounding failure repetitively. I commit myself to seriously confronting fear when and as I experience myself within a fear fit. If that fails, I commit myself to reflect on the incident at the end of the day and speak self forgiveness aloud.

When and as I see myself brushing off failure, suppressing fear, I stop I breathe. I realize that my ego does not want to own up to fear. I commit myself to taking responsibility for the fear, as one and equal with me, the creator.

When and as I see myself directed by fear of failure, I stop I breathe. Too many times have I turned and went the other way because I did not have the courage to risk failing. I commit myself to shifting my perspective of failure such that I am willing to fail in front of the whole world. Why? Because I know I will keep trying until I succeed. With each failure, I have the opportunity to pick myself back up and continue, knowing how not to fail the same way. And if I do fail the same way twice, three times or more, I commit myself to investigate that point, and not allow myself to define myself with the failure, rather define myself by how I choose to react to failure. If I fail to change within failure, I realize I have as many times as I personally require to live the change. This is my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others in such a way that I amplify my fear of failure. Dang, there's a whole different dimension to fear of failure. Will explore in posts to come. For now, I will continue with the last point I wish to address in this Success and Failure series. The key to success. Join tomorrow to read my solution of...