Day 337 - Competition Breeds Ego

An interesting point came up today. My relationship to competition is well developed by this point in my life. I didn't ever spend the time with metacognition, thinking about how I think, in relation to competition. Now that I am considering this point, I can certainly see how I've been competing from a starting point of self-interest, fueling my ego. Let's unpack this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am supporting my ego when I go into competition with another human being.

Define ego: The glorified representation of myself created in my mind. A selective self-definition. Who I am as my desires for myself. In this, my ego defense is a reaction to undesirable information about self in relation to others. I deal with this information by skipping over it, suppressing it, ignoring it, or humility. I will dig more into ego-defense in posts to come. For now, I'll just say that humility is not my initial, automated reaction to negative information about myself.

Another dynamic: Entering into competition is hardly a choice. I've automated the selection of my battles to reduce the risk of losing in an ego confrontation.

Also, when I am losing a confrontation, I will fight more recklessly to avoid the humility of defeat. This is done by standing my ground by perceptually up playing the weight of my argument, and not recognizing the other person's perspective as greater than or equal to my own, unless there really isn't a comeback that would trump the opponent's point. This is more from a conversational competition.

In a physical competition, again, I selectively participate in 'games' that I think I can win at and simply "do not like" games that I don't perceive a threshold of confidence that I will achieve victory. Now, victory isn't only defined in the context of another person, but also in relation to surpassing prior skill level. This is likely because with steps toward mastery, I will get ahead of the competition as a general entity of all possible competitors. Not to say that there isn't a dimension of physical enjoyment within the challenge of developing aptitude.

So, then there is this notion of competing with myself...verses collaborating with myself. Why am I inclined to fight with myself to better myself? I fight with others to 'better' them, I so often justify with a subtle thought based relationship that I created in my 'unknown' past. To restructure my methodology and application of self-support, I must first identify who I am now, and what I will become through change, then the rest is just a process.

In the context of self-support, I challenge myself to grow. Sounds great. Looking at the patterns and relationships in this, I see that there is a significant amount of self-judgement and/or fear of failure. When my ego battle is within myself alone, it can be very definitive. Bad = I am bad. Good = I am good. There is a feeling and emotional charge. This polarity and friction must arise out of a separation of self. How? Imagined, ideal self vs. the reality of self. Here is a key.

Success and failure emotions are created within the context of the idealized self. Furthermore, an ideal is limited by thoughts based on memories. How do I even know what I could become if I am spending all my time chasing an ideal copy of only what I've seen in my little set of past experiences?  And even furthermore, the past thoughts that have arisen out of relationships to past events and experiences have all been constructed within a starting point of self-interest. Ego.

Solution:
By participating in the throws of mind as thoughts, feelings and energy, I am accepting and allowing myself to be defined by my past successes and failures. The possibility of growth is very narrow, and at that, stinted by the fear of failure. I must realize how to collaborate with myself, until I really realize and embody the oneness and equality within and of myself, here. To not judge myself, but rather recognize the desires and fears as the primary internal motivation sources that I've so long obeyed without question. To walk with my breath. To live based on principle, not just what feels right and wrong alone because how can I trust my self-programmed reactions when they're based in such a limited context of a handful of personal experiences? I can't. A limited context = a limited response to the situation.

I commit myself to breathe through the reaction of desire and fear when faced with an ego point, a point that I would take personally. Here, I stand and stop. I do not allow myself to limit myself to the confines of personal experience based perception alone. With the principle of equality and oneness, I commit myself to giving as I would like to receive: What is BEST, of course.

Disclaimer: Walking realizations into physical application takes time and practice. Give self the space to change. Understand what a process is. Have fun with this physical challenge.

pic credit

Day 256 - What does Commitment mean to Me? Part 3

This is a cool perspective that I've recently contemplated. If I define commitment as something that stands indefinitely, I can apply this generalized statement to expand my perspective as I intend to do right now.

The first thought that popped into my head was the spoken word. They taught my in college that communication is irreversible and that resonated with me. You can mitigate and spin what you say, but once something happens, it has happened, and will always have happened. So, to think that I don't always consider the ramifications of what I say and do is a real bother. This was one of my key alignments with the Desteni message as well. I am the words I speak. I am my past actions and must take responsibility for them if I ever want to change how I live my life.

So, Commitment is simple. It undoubtedly stands throughout time. What are the implications of that? That indicates there is an alignment problem with all of the past commitments that I haven't been able to uphold? Why have I done that? Optimism. Not seeing the whole picture and all the dynamics at play. Like with the nail biting habit, I still haven't taken the time to investigate all the detail of why I start each movement. I erroneously clumped together a bundle of points and labeled them by a single physical manifestation. Why? Because anxiety seemed too big to take on...and who know what else I am missing? Well, I do.

I commit myself to the realization of my insight and ability to patiently walk through all relevant points until I can stand clearly within a commitment.

I get it now. I realize that self-commitments aren't something to just throw out in hope of self-change. Self-commitment is my living word. It is a tool to indicate to myself who I am. Great Scott! Behold the power!! Haha. Really though, if I continue with this bad habit of haphazardly writing self-commitments, I will prolong my process and deteriorate the the power of my spoken word. It's abusive. I will no longer tolerate myself wishing for my commitments to myself to magically/automatically take hold.

I commit myself to utilizing self-commitments as an extension of my beingness. And I realize that I will not be able to live out every commitment here forth in perfection. I must walk this process of consequence for all of the past abuse of my spoken word. Layers of self-doubt emerge nearly with my every move. Instead, I commit myself to recognizing which commitments falter, and to investigate the dynamics that lead to this failure.

I realize there is a lot at play, and especially as I dig deeper into the layers of my mind, I will need to have my self-commitment tool sharpened and functioning flawlessly. I so want everything to be done in an instant...like, "ok, I realize I'm one and equal with all life," the end. But at the same time, I am glad to pay penance for my sins by practically walking each point of myself into alignment with what's best for all. I dig the personalized challenge :)

Ha, and now I see that it is my mind that wants it all to be done in an instant, which acts as a fail-safe protective mechanism. Like with the nail biting, perfect example. I wanted it done in one moment, I can't maintain the temporary energetic 'change,' I become disappointed with myself as I live out my fear of failure. And so I spiral back into mind-controlled. A common sense, self-directed, lived application of myself through word and deed is the goal, and every moment of every breath is the measure.

So, human race, it's not a race. Who are you in a moment? Are you consistent?
Thank you.