Day 402 - The Perfect Writer Complex

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process writing is not acceptable as perfection, and through this allow my inner critic to project a moment of self-judgment into the future - in this not realizing this as the purely self-sabotaging system of mind that this is - and choose to rather not write, so that I may continue to protect the fear that I am not walking my process effectively...and in this, not seeing or realizing how this fear is manifesting itself, nor understanding the impact of this in the bigger picture."

This opened up nicely for me last night. Again, I have access to the iPad tonight, so I'm going to continue with demolishing this particular self-sabotage construct that's been operational for far too long now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed when I sit to write because I don't feel that I will be able to produce writing that I will be proud of, especially in the context of anyone on the Internet being able to read and judge my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my effort in walking my process in writing based on how proud I feel about the end product, and how safe from others' negative judgments it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into fear ridden, conditional writing, where in my key focus is on how others will perceive my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write to unconditionally support myself and others within common sense sharing of my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate the blogging process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cycle and accumulate backchat as fear-based justifications in relation to why I shouldn't write a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, IN MY MIND, create and define a more and more narrow structure for how my writing style and format should be, such that I get less and less confident that I am able to meet my own expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure and compare myself to my expectations of perfection, which are created through the mind projecting an ideal outcome, and then entertaining all the possible negative judgments that could be created about my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to forget how to write comfortably, in an expression that emerges from my presence, my hereness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up and invested in my cycling self-critical thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to have gone on for this long without me realizing the simple solution of applying myself in a single moment.

This self application is a specific process. It's a process that I had clouded from myself through too much thinking. It's a simple process:

When there is a problem, I commit myself to here forward investigate it, ask myself questions, apply self-forgiveness and above all else, embody a solution oriented mindset. It's only when I began judging myself, and then double judging myself because of the problem. From there I would continue to elaborate on the problem, giving myself more and more reasons why I shouldn't write. If something is not working, raise a red flag, handle the issue with full attention and resolve to find the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy with intellect and not realize that further participation in thought is not the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the consequence of entertaining the logic of the mind, which only served to dig my hole deeper, even though I thought I was smart by creating all these sound arguments for why I couldn't write to the level of perfection that would satisfy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evaluate my writing by any standard other than how effective it is in my personal process of supporting myself to move forward and transcend the mind constructs that hold me within a limited version of myself.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the belief to exist within me that if my writing is not of the utmost quality, then I will NOT be supporting myself or others according to the framework of what is BEST for all.

Ahh, I see what I did there. I distorted the phrase "best for all" into a point of self-sabotage wherein if my writing wasn't my best, then best not to write at all... Tricky mind-logic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and justify the pressure to write at my most best, most perfect level of quality in terms of insight, realizations, phrasing, vocabulary, effectiveness, etc. - wherein this measure exists in separation of myself. In other words, I can and should write with my best effort, but here, no comparison exists because there is only myself, united with my best effort, expressing myself authentically. No second guessing and trying to cater my expression to a world wide audience, which in actuality is just a slice of my subconscious at that moment in time; meaning that I will only be catering my writing to subvert the possible judgments of one or a handful of those whom I'm imaging will read my writing.

See how convoluted that is? This is no way to express myself in real time through writing.

I will continue in the next post on a closely related point: the editing process.

Thank you.