Day 415 - Hearing or Watching Myself

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear listening to my own voice, to cross reference what I’m saying before sharing it with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on Garbrielle to vet my expression for me, and to have created our relationship to be this way in my mind – never letting her really know and understand that I want this of her because I’m embarrassed about this dependency relationship point because I know better and because Garb’s really independent and I don’t want to be seen as less than her – which I now see is one critical dimension of why I haven’t allowed myself to support and be supported in this relationship because I’m competing with her/others to validate myself, my standing in the world, in process, and in relation to my peers/others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am invalid, unworthy, “a zero”, an outsider, and someone who doesn’t have a voice, input, or impact in the direction of the world or my life circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being impotent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my expression when I go out on a limb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear energy to determine whether or not I go for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hide myself behind my hands via fingernail biting because I am afraid that if others get a good look at me AND decide I’m unworthy of their acceptance, then I have lost big time; and that by hiding behind my hands as an underlying objective within nail biting is a deliberate self-sabotage point so that I cannot be truly judged as who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving it my all because I fear being judged for who I truly am.

I commit myself to listen to reread my writings, listen to my voice recordings, and watch my videos.

Then, I commit myself to investigating any reactions, clearing them with SF aloud, and if anything still remains, I'll consider what practical edits would help me express the nature of what I am trying to say.

I commit myself to publishing myself much more frequently.

I commit myself to sharing myself with others, no matter how much ego-based resistance I generate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate resistance to sharing myself within and through my participation in egocentric comparison judgments.

I commit myself to just getting myself and my process out there. No fear.

I commit myself to understand that I amplify my efforts in process by sharing myself! Exciting times ahead readers!

Thanks.

Day 405 - Self-Empowerment: Stepping into Manhood

Quick overview of my life: Born in upstate New York, moved to Northern California at age 11, went to college in Southern Californa, lived back at home for a year, went to the Desteni Farm in South Africa and began a committed life partnership.

All of the above happened without much decisive effort by me, except for that last one. I set aside nearly all of my personal dreams and desires to shift onto this life path. You would think that would be a difficult thing to do, and it was! But through some specific support at the farm, I was able to condense that experience into just a couple of days prior to making the decision. It was hectic, but once I saw past my emotional attachments, it was just math. A simple mathematical assessment of what is best for all.

Since that moment, there have been many challenges to say the least. Successful relationships are nothing like what we see on TV. They really are a lot of work! Moving out of my parents home, and out from under their financial support also presented some challenging challenges, to say the least! Now add the basic pressures of a budding entrepreneur. Wham! The trifecta that defined my entry into manhood at age 25.

What is the point of sharing this with you? I didn't know that I would be able to take the steps that I have in the last 2 years. Back then, I could not conceive of giving up my imagined potential futures where I am awesome. Back then, i didn't realize that to begin creating something real, I would have to get grounded and actually do the hard work! No more skating through school life. Mastering the basic responsibilities won't cut it if I want to thrive in the big boys' playground, the adult world, the system.

Can I do it? Will I be able to survive out there in the world? Taking that first step out of the door is the only way to find out! This physical motion is very empowering, and it can't happen without the decision to do it. When shutting down the fears, worry, and concerns, it boils down to that simple decision to take action, and to see it through. Seeing it through merits its own post, and I'll continue with that tomorrow.

So, during the moment of deciding, I didn't have to know everything, and more importantly, I can't know everything. Real world experience is the best way to learn. With the decision to begin unfolding my journey into the unknown, I create the opportunities to learn and grow from real-life experiences. I'll learn as I go, refine and optimize as needed. I'm driving me.

A deep thank you to everyone who has played a part supporting me to get this far! My potential in this life is what it is because of you. Now it's up to me, to attain my highest potential through continuing to make these self-empowering decisions - and see what I'm really made of.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not achieve my dreams and goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail when I go out into the world and begin leading a self-sufficient life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a life of ease, where I wouldn't really have to make any decisions that would lead to a challenging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paralyzed within fear, and not realize how, in so doing, I am robbing myself of the opportunities to really learn, expand and step into manhood.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to focus on what comes up when I'm faced with these potentially self-empowering decisions, investigate as much as necessary until I am clear within myself, when making the decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that would force me to leave my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone real-world responsibilities, and try to maintain an easier, more comfortable life without as many pressures and responsibilities.

I commit myself to readily accept responsibilities that are directly related to my success as an individual within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to push myself into my uncomfortable zones to challenge and expand myself.

I commit myself do daily powerthinking sessions, where I will drive clarity into at least one specific point/decision that I am currently investigating.

I commit myself exposing the fear of failure system once and for all, so that I may stop cycling self-limited living.

I commit myself to do the work that must be done to get to where I want to go.