Day 178 - Disappointment of oneself

Yesterday, I decided to take a real, close look at how it is that I keep trying to hide from myself. There are plenty of layers here, and I'm not going to allow myself to get overwhelmed by trying to decipher everything all at once. I am breathing as I write this continuation, where the focus is forgiving self for the conflict and frustration toward myself for my moments of weakness. Addiction is a prevalent point here as well, that can wait for tomorrow as I breathe and walk one point at a time :)

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself through not being able to stand strong and direct myself in the moment of change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that standing up within and for myself in the moment of change is not effectively accomplished through self-anger and the variants of experience including but not limited to disappointment, shame, and regret.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the inclination to become upset with myself for not standing as an absolute example of what's best for all always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself by allowing myself to be within the emotional experience of self-anger or disappointment toward myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as disappointment, not considering or realizing this as a mind participation moment, stopping, breathing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remember to just breathe and direct myself according to what is common sense in that moment, that which is best for me and all equally.
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When and as I see myself becoming of disappointment, anger, frustration, regret, shame within and toward myself, I stop I breathe. I realize this does not serve me and is of a mind consciousness programming that I've accepted and allowed myself to copy from others while growing up. I commit myself to the simple recognition of this design play out. Within this, I commit myself to leave no stone unturned in my self-investigation process, and with a steadfast, persistent examination of each layer, I do not stop to feel disappointed for my past/present allowances.

When and as I see myself hung up on self-pity and the like, I stop I breathe. I realize this is only worsening my situation by existing within self-judgment instead of self-direction within and of the moment of awareness of my breath. I commit myself to purse the layers within and behind my attempts to hide from myself, until I am clear and effective within self-application in every moment. Patience. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and create another energy that will fade as this is the starting point of disappointment of myself...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so disappointed and ashamed of myself through failing to stop my fingernail biting habit that I've retreated or receded from further investigation through fear of failing again. This is why I must no longer allow the energy of disappointment to dictate my physical action(s).

I commit myself to keep moving within my process and flag pointing everything that gets in my way!

Day 162 - "Prior Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance"

[Continued from yesterday]

So, I found that this generational wisdom from my father's father has many more variations, and this shook my dad's world a bit, haha. Regardless, the point is the same: Planning Promotes Performance. So, if I am here to perform to the best of my ability, planning is an essential ingredient that I have not been paying too much attention to. I've been writing a general, day plan/to-do list the night prior for about a month, but I've not been keeping myself accountable to complete each task...much like idealized intentions. It's time to get serious with each moment of planning, so that I lay down actual self-direction.

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This is the point of it all. I'm in my Journey to Life, figuring out how to direct myself effectively by forgiving where and when I am not, moving to the next layer of 'why' and continuing to locate where, when and why I've allowed myself to fear myself and separate myself from the oneness and equality that is of life, so I can ultimately stand as a stable expression of what's best for all. Cool, huh? Step by step, layer before layer, I walk for me / for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan my day without consideration of exactly how I intend to accomplish each item.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shy away from my tasks because I set them as higher/greater than my actual, physical ability of what I am able to accomplish.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my actual, physical ability, and create idealized to-do lists to which I react with overwhelmingness and end up stressed out and under performing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set a plan and not follow through because of my habitual allowance of resistance guiding me toward the easiest route in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the resistance pull without making an effort to understand all of the energetic factors at play.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my time and so ability to practically accomplish set goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set goals within a 'perfect day' and separate myself from the responsibility of the completing the work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to all around skip the planning step and wonder why my day didn't amount to anything, hiding from myself so I wouldn't have to face my irresponsibility.

When and as I see myself moving along my day without intention or grounded goal accomplishment, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must have an action plan to complete large tasks, and that time budgeting is essential to planning accomplishment. I commit myself to realizing a plan of action when I am just going with the flow.

When and as I see myself faltering on a plan, I stop, breathe and asses what's going on within me. I ask, "Why?" Upon finding the point of resistance, I conduct Self-forgiveness in that moment. I realize that all resistance isn't easily overcome in one moment, and I commit myself to writing out the entire construct of resistance, so that I may see what's going on, and write a new law for myself to live by.

When and as I see myself creating a set of idealized intentions, I stop I breathe. I realize that only a practical plan can be carried through into completion. I commit myself to standing equal to and one with my intentions, living with them, and bringing them to life by successfully utilizing them to complete any task I set as part of who I am.

In the morning, I commit myself to bundling together my continual intentions and work goals, and from that creating and action plan. If not in writing, then with self-honesty I will carry me through the completion of each prioritized task. I realize that when I am not on track, I must take that essential breath and collect myself in the moment to set the direction of self and go!

When I mess up, I stop and breathe. Set a stable agreement with myself in relation to my work, to effectively make tangible progress within a agreed amount of time.

When and as I see myself falling off the ball, I remember to breathe and regain balance through the actualization of self-responsibility as who I am here. Thanks

Day 160 - Basis of Self-Leadership for 2013 and Beyond!

This is the end of 2012, and I have learned a lot about myself. The effort required to blog these past one hundred and sixty days has given me a more perspective on my life. It's been entirely worth it, and I can see me making it all the way to day 2555. It's like a concrete accountability for my self-realizations, and I can clearly see what I've walked out in writing and what points need more attention. It's been far from easy and automatic. There has been a lot of resistance to the writing process, usually in the form of fear-based thought spin-off. And the thoughts move so quickly that I can easily have trouble finding the source or whatever it is that I'm trying to hide from myself. That's why self-honesty is crucial. I am breathing and slowing down the thoughts so I can see myself in self-honesty. From this starting point I will establish a real confidence in my ability to lead. No more personality creation cover-ups. I'm done overlaying new personality designs over the fear and self-doubt.

This whole writing process is me leading me into the self-change that is required to overcome the obstacles of my self-interested programming of my mind. When I can clearly stand within the principle of what's best for all always, I will actualize true confidence within my walk of leadership for self and others so that we may all take responsibility for what needs to be done to actually bring peace to earth.

I realize that I must be able to lead myself before I can help lead the world, so I've identified some more leadership points that I've related myself to and defined myself within limitations and self-defeatism. And here is the forgiveness release to bring me into the new year:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave the present moment that is here because I fear that I cannot be strong, assertive, confident, and/or certain when I am participating in a group of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear to 'looking stupid/inadequate/wrong,' and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my thoughts are more valuable than remaining present as I have created and compounded many memories of when my thoughts helped me to mitigate imagined fear play-outs of which I did not realize myself as the creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been participating in self-generated fears to protect myself from them, not realizing that this process is not in my best interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize in each moment how and when I am in fear and with these fear-thoughts, create the fear to play-out in real life. I realize that I am manifesting my fears through the repetitive participation within them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my thoughts and that I am so great within them, that I should follow them instead of the common sense reality that is here in all moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself as a leader because I observe others that are more 'carefree' and judge them as less than I because I am spending more time in thought of which I identified with within a superiority complex in being able to contemplate many imagined play-outs and chose the best one, not realizing that I am missing the moment when and as I move off into fear motivated thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear of other's not liking my ideas, not wanting to follow my lead, and/or putting down my ideas and so discrediting my position of leadership.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that I can dodge these fears by thinking about them and figuring out a way to prevent them, and not realize that I was living in fear in this thinking process.

When and as I see myself participating in imagined fear play-outs so that I may try to mitigate the actualization of the fears I'm imagining, I stop I breathe. I realize and understand that I am actually creating the experience of fear by participating in thinking about ways to prevent the fear, as the starting point of my experience is fear. I commit myself to taking responsibility for all fear creation/experience and recognizing what I am doing so that I may apply forgiveness and live the correction as a new self-direction from the starting point of breath in doing what is best for all.

When and as I see myself in a frightened state, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can trace the origin of the fear thought-pattern through the process of writing with, in and as self-honesty. I commit myself to this process of writing and investigating my past so that I do not reactively create my future like a programmed organic robot.

When and as I see myself placing a dominating importance on my thinking process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I can effectively lead myself through life without living in fear, and through practice, I commit myself to figuring out how.

When and ass I see myself in fear of looking stupid or a variant thereof, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am participating in a design of fearing my own fear creations. I commit myself to stopping this illusion-to-reality enactment with mindful consideration of who I am within each moment of each breath.

When and as I see myself in one of the dimensions of leadership fear, I stop I breathe. I realize this is not who I am, and that I will not effectively mitigate the fear by participating within it. I commit myself to writing this all out for myself to see until it is done, and I live fearlessly with life.

Thanks to life, all and I.

Related Posts:

Day 141 - Establishing Self-Leadership

Day 159 - Lacking Leadership

Time is ticking, get serious with me and investigate what you've become so together we can disengage what we've collectively allowed within our world. End the atrocity. Look into how Equal Money System works and what the transition will look like.

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Day 125 - Pacing Process

As I walk along this path with Desteni, I've been experiencing a lot of resistance. Sometimes I even wonder if I had not lived by the self-definition of "truthseeker," I would have bailed by now, but even this thought is charged by my mind, looking for ways to separate myself from others. So, I'm sticking to my guns, because once you have them in your hands, letting go is giving up. I can't go back to normal mind-energy indulgence levels, but moving forward is not easy either. It like having to re-learn life or something...from scratch

Well, not quite from scratch. I get to work the self-perfection tools so kindly presented by Desteni, and I work with myself to rebuild my relationship alignments (who I am in relation to anything). So far, I've specifically chosen how to 'handle' my relationships for maximum advantage within self-interest because I realized that as success based on the positive feelings. So, my sense of self had always been constructed by, as & within that positive feeling. And so I moved toward increasing my perception/awareness and my ability to see and understand how I can influence more situations across contexts. So my life emphasized the process of building myself to be greater. One example of how is the notion of abstraction, where I would seek the generalized knowledge that could be applied to many situations to come. I'm sure that's not an unfamiliar concept, but I like "owned" it. I created myself to believe myself to be smart and able, WHILE always tucking away the doubts and fears that I am actually less than others or less than able or missing a piece of the knowledge puzzle (dumb).

So, this Desteni I Process that I'm knee deep in is forcing me to look at myself and my daily behaviors so that I will begin to take full responsibility for everything of my life, something I've never thought mattered a whole lot. I used to think that as long as I could be on the up-side of my interactions, I will have money and be successful for my whole life. Now, that equality has entered the picture, oneness too, I have no more wiggle room to bullshit around. I didn't realize how addicted I am to dickin around until work is thrown at me, and now I have a lot of work. Responsibility goes up, work goes up. Seeing this as a bad thing is the leading procrastination factor for me.

To break down why I see work as negative: Lazy feels good. Lazy is easy. Lazy is free (haha). Lazy is me.

I've always wanted to get ahead in life without having to work hard. That's not going to work, so my pre-self-direction path of being smart and living off of others not being smart (a general conception of how I used to operate), simply won't do. Desteni has shown me oneness and equality, and I can't go back because that's it. When I'm on my death bed, I'll have wanted to done all I could have to make this world closer to perfect. I want to have done my part. So, to re-realize my power within equality is not a simple process. It's ugly. It's me though too.

Here I am, writing through resistance (though it's not cleared yet, no). And if I want to achieve my death bed goals, I need to continually assess my starting points within actions and thoughts. In doing this I can check my alignment on the scale from self-interested entertainment time-waster, to living equality as whats best for myself and others in terms of living to effectively support all life on Earth.

Specific self-forgiveness and corrective application statements to follow.