Day 211 - Work for Me

To have self-directed mastery of scheduling my time, I need to assess where and why there is trouble. There are many points here where I allow myself to work at a less than optimal pace. Yesterday, I found that when I am externally motivated by others, I am either more effective because they rely or count on me to get work done, or I am "over it" from the perspective of not wanting to do something that isn't immediately and directly for me (i.e. school assignments). What's interesting about this is "immediately and directly."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my work to immediately and directly benefit me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only work my hardest when others are relying or counting on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work really hard for me in the context of doing the grunt work that does directly and immediately benefit me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist contributing my time when it does not immediately and directly benefit me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be reckless and irresponsible with my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed and tired by my workload.
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When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by my workload and I move to a delay moment, I stop I breathe. I realize that the work will not go away for real if I distract myself for a moment. I commit myself to moving from delay moment back to focused work, giving myself time and breaks when necessary.

This is really all about who I am within what I am doing. This is a classic line from the Desteni material. And yet I so easily forget that, and find myself justifying my delay moment with "I'm not ready to give this up yet." Bullshit. (ok, self-anger)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the backchat justification of "I'm not ready to give this up yet."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I must investigate who I am within my delay moments. What is it I am trying to hide or run from? I can do anything I want...except deceive myself. Self-deception is no longer accepted.

When and as I see myself justifying a moment of delay in any way, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must not be self-honest in that moment if I am to utilize a justification to hide the truth from myself for a fleeting moment. I commit myself to flag point all justified moments of delay, and to place them under investigation so that I may stomp out this resistance program, slowly but surely.

When and as I see myself not working toward what is best for me/all, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have taken a series of self-dishonest moments to get to where I am. I commit myself to the best of my growing ability, back track how I have accepted and allowed procrastination/delay/resisting productivity.

This moment of self-honesty is but a breath away. Keep coming back to the breath. Thank you.

Photo: flickr

Day 169 - Got to get here quick! pt.5

I keep thinking about my afterthought from yesterday:

"It's truly fascinating to consider: how you spend your next breath is reflective of how you spend your entire life. Welcome Self-honesty."

Each breath is when I consider who I am in relation to every single breath, past and future. Current layers present themselves here in one breath's awareness of what's going on inside of me. For example: I have an urge to stop writing and play a silly time-wasting game, but I breathe and push myself to keep writing. This is a living self-direction, not instigated by a mental energy push or pull.

To stay on track and provide a concise version of what I was trying to capture yesterday and do the Self-Forgiveness on it, is less appealing than just moving on to the next point of how I want others to get here quick, but that will wait until tomorrow because today I push myself to stay focused and not hop around from point to point to point. This in itself is a point of anxiety, and it prevents me from writing out the depth that is required for me to really walk through a point in understanding and releasing it from existing as an automated function of my programmed beingness.

Ok, so yesterday I explained a bit about how I have been rushing through life and in that justifying procrastinating my day-to-day moments. It's time to work this out.

cc

I'm finding my self still awkwardly participating in this. As I have been delaying the writing my self-forgiveness for this topic for the bulk of the day. It really is true how an open point is intensified..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my mind as self-doubt, believing that I won't be able to actually stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate this writing all day so that I would, again, be forced to finished during the final hour of the day.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize I've been compromising myself and my ability to freely accomplish much more by focusing on and delaying one point of work/application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place an importance/significance/value onto a task such that I develop a resistance relationship toward it instead of simply directing myself through to completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify procrastination because I've planned to at least have whatever it is done by the deadline. This makes no sense. Why do I procrastinate simply because I can?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sense of my time perspective, and thus my awareness of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that each moment of every breath is indicative of who I am in relation to myself and my world. I can use this moment of awareness as a tool to self-discover my current program and stand up from within it to direct myself according to my will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing and from that create a relationship of resistance toward particular, 'important' work and nonsensically delay it until I have to do it, ultimately ending up compromising my work by existing with "oh well, I did the best I could given the amount of time I had (given myself) to complete it."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play as victim to time, when in reality it is I that is misusing time and responsible for saving work until the last minute because it's easier to stay focused because there is no other option.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose focus and stray off into a mental energy pull when faced with work that is not immediately due.

When and as I see myself moving away from my work, I stop I breathe and I give myself that moment to discover what is really going on here. I realize that I am compromising myself by allowing this participation in this energy and justifying it as valid or worth following without truly considering all the consequences. I commit myself to writing about resistances until I uncover what is behind each moment of allowed participation until I am undoubtedly self-directed in every moment within self-honesty.

When and as I see myself moving toward a time-waster when I am clearly avoiding work, I stop I breathe. I realize that if I really do not want to self-direct within responsibility in that moment, I must lay out an agreement for myself as some kind of strategy or plan to get back on track asap. Within this also, I commit myself to write about why I wasn't able to pull myself away from my time-waster. I commit myself to investigating all barriers to self-direction through writing.

When and as I see myself justifying delay because I certainly "will have enough time to complete it later," I stop I breathe. I realize that there is always more that can be done the self-honest responsibility of acting in the interest of what's best for all. I commit myself to practicing getting my daily-planned tasks done early, and giving myself the rest/break/reward after my duties are done instead of before.

When and as I see myself moving within an energy in relation to my work, I stop I breathe. I realize that even a positive experience toward work will have polar consequences and by simply directing myself through work within my breath is stable and will not need to be balanced out. I commit myself to investigating and developing my relationship with my breath so that I can recognize positive/negative relationship orientations toward work readily, stop them, and find a stability within self in relation to work.

Tomorrow when I wake, I commit myself to keep focused on my breath and my work pace. When and as I see the mental draw toward guilt-inducting time-wasting activities, I stop I breathe. I ask myself: Why? If? and How soon before I get back to my productive day plan. I realize that this process if a process and self-judgment is not supportive. I commit myself to supporting myself by stopping the judgement and thinking practically about my situation. I commit myself to catching when I move into a defeated character that just indulges in time-wasting so that I don't even have to face myself as/within being self-defeated.

I commit myself to "strength and honor."

I commit myself to stop hiding from myself. For example: No more repetitive indulgence to hide that I'm indulging. "Just one more video game round" "Just one more peanut butter cup" Just one more moment away from my work."

Whatever isn't clear, write. No more bs self-judgment -> back into same behavior repetition (i.e. fingernail biting) Grrr! < see, still self-judgment.

All for tonight. Thanks.

Day 142 - '"I got time to delay"

This blog could have happened earlier in the day...also could have happened later, so there is change happening. It didn't happen earlier in the day for the reason that this post is laying out: "I have time to do it later."

So, I have nice little serious going on here that started on Day 140, where I'm delaying responsibilities for various reasons. Responsibilities are defined as anything that necessarily supports me to be stable. Chasing an energetic experience is not being responsible with self, self in relation to self and others. So, avoiding my responsibility to self, like my responsibility to be self-honest within "Am I supporting what's best for me AND ALL, or am I letting this energy direct me into what's apparently in my self-interest, where I allow me to compromise self as all as me. And that's kinda of a big thing. Like, I imagine myself to be all, and if I am directing myself, I have a lot of work to do. Many atrocities in the world to be corrected, and those as me, mean I can correct the problem by aligning with best-for-all.

So it comes down to best-for-all or not, and accidentally wasting a whole day playing video games because I thought I had enough time to eventually get to my responsibilities, is self-compromise. Now, in this case, I did get around to typing this entry before 11pm, but had I finished it in the morning with a simple "No" to the impulse to play video games for that "feel-goodness" of winning...that's another point....had I finished it, I could be doing more work until I go to sleep, ideally. Agreeing with myself to play an hour of video games is chill, but I'm being dishonest with myself when I sit down to play, because I'm avoiding/resisting letting go. Of what?

Today, I allowed myself to play video game in the early part of the day in part because I knew that I intend to writing this point through self-forgiveness today. Self-forgiveness is scary like that, like looking into a black hole as the end of a particular characteristic of myself. "I don't want to never play video games again in the mornings. Could I even do that? It's too hard." But as I work with the writing to get my thoughts out (like I've been doing this whole time, flowing), I end up writing more than I want, but it's out. I can take a breath and see myself right here in my words. For instance, this whole entry so far is all thoughts that take time to think, and by typing them out, they're all here at once. This whole point and the related thoughts are here in one stream of expression (I can't wait to get over what ever fears are stopping me from vlogging!) So, getting my thoughts physicalized is really supportive because now I can work with self-forgiveness and corrective application to produce real change of self, utilizing self-honesty to see when I fall (i.e. fall into self-judgement = not supportive of self/all)

Also, I wanted to mention that even as I sat down to write this out, i used a candy bar to delay facing the point for just a bit longer :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am compromising self/other/all by moving with the energy of resistance into delay, instead of me directing me to do as I please, which is assuredly what's best for all, which is currently effectively supporting self towards stability for the end result of standing as effective support for all.

...haha, 2-3 hours later, I am back at the computer typing this. This is a case of resistance through this point that I'm facing in writing. I want to be done with delay and jump-start a superman work ethic. This want is contradictory to my past behavior, and is creating mental friction (a.k.a. Cognitive Dissonance, as I define as behavior inconsistent with beliefs about behavior, like smoking cigarettes and believing you shouldn't) that I believe is fueling my related thoughts of fear and self-judgement. So, I'm going to keep at this as to not let my fear of failure direct me away from being effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing within addressing my delay points and allowing delay to ensue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastinating because I have enough time to also get done what I intend to get done, missing how this is causing me to produce less in general.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing about delay within and as the fear of the end, as the end of procrastination and so half-purposefully allowed myself to procrastinate as it being my last chance to freely indulge in reckless delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself within work by positively charging the delay behavior outlets. (to be expanded on in blogs to follow)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of delaying a responsibility/task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay because "I can."

When and as I see myself moving into allowed delay because I think I have enough time to do so, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is always more I could be doing, so any form of delay is compromising my work output when the whole picture is taken into consideration. I commit myself to taking a moment to consider ALL the consequences of delaying the task in mind, such as a relative productivity assessment between working hard first, playing later vs. carelessly playing first, and later working too hard (to produce less quality work).

I commit myself to realizing how I allow myself to compromise myself within delay. I commit myself to not judge myself and further compromise my work ethic. I commit myself to standing within my corrective application statements, equal and one.

I commit myself to delay within common sense and self-honesty ONLY.

When and as I see myself allowing a decision of delay to direct me, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a mind energy and that if investigated I may be able to specifically locate the resistance and release the fear program with self-forgiveness. I commit myself to be serious with myself. I commit myself to be true to myself. I commit myself to effectively addressing one point at a time, so that I do not get overwhelmed and move into delay.

I commit myself to returning the directive power of myself to myself, in part by longer accepting deceptive time concepts to allow the system of delay to run rampant.

Related articles

• Day 140 - Delay Point Expounded
• Day 141 - Establishing Self-Leadership

photo from flickr

Day 108 - All Day Delay

A day with a hazy reference to time...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay working all day with distractions like video games,   television programs, exercise, candy and smoking, not realizing that I was hiding from responsibility all day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste my time today and fuel this behavior through hearing another make the statement of not having enough energy to do work today and accepting this as permission to do the same.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from facing myself through writing about my night with the girl that I've been seeing, and not realize this point as contributing to my allowance of delay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot completely clear a point that seems as large as stopping distraction, starting an agreement/relationship, and/or my nail biting habit, and not realizing that my delay was contributed to by this fear of not being able to clear a complex and integrated fear system within and as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply begin writing, and realize that I can continue to open up layers of understanding through the reflection of myself in writing and application through self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately move into thoughts of possible distractions when faced with a daunting task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to amplify any point by vaguely allowing myself to define the task/point as daunting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my relationship to work through the perception of 'daunting' or 'too much.' Delete. I commit myself to re-framing work from 'daunting' and/or 'too much' into a more self-supportive frame such as 'one bite at a time.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear work as "too much for me to handle."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear any point as "too much for me to handle," and not realize that any seemingly large point can be broken down into it's components.

I have these connections to thoughts/memories with positive/negative emotional attachment. To destroy these bonds to the mind consciousness existence as programmed polar emotional response based in self interest, I'm going to have to take this slowly, and STOP allowing the 'overwhelmingness fear' to keep getting in my way.

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When and as I see myself at a point that overwhelming to me, I stop I breathe. I realize that I must write down this experience of thought and sort out the perspectives/characters to understand where I'm coming from. I commit myself to slowing down my lifestyle such that I allow myself to the time to see where I'm coming from in thought, and to know my direction...this is too open. I don't believe myself within this last commitment statement.

So without further delay, I am now writing about this experience as example for the above realization:

1. Slowing my lifestyle down is completely foreign and not grounded in reality, like a lofty goal.
2. To understand where I'm coming from within every thought that pops up in my head, woah, talk about 'Mission Impossible.' This is a daunting task/point.
3. To know my direction is a continual battle against clouded/hidden voices in my head. Typically, I am pleasure seeking because I haven't been 'exposed to the real world and hardened by tough times.'

There's a lot going on just here in breaking down one lofty/bs commitment statement. Food for tomorrow..

I commit myself to grounding myself within the application of work as a process. Within this I commit myself to writing about the experience I have in relation to the point of siting down to direct myself through working on a specific point.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to blame others through the excuse that if they waste the day that I can too. I commit myself to keep writing down my daily tasks the night before...this worked for two days, and it works in keeping productive and focused with a goal upon waking.

I commit myself to STOP running from points that seem daunting or like too much work for me to be successful. I commit myself to writing out each point, one at a time, grounded in space-time, not allowing the overwhelmingness direct me away from my goals.

I commit myself to staying self-honest within my writing. Most of today's post was an honest flow of my expression through writing. The lofty stuff, based on a thought of ideal = not real as myself talking about myself in self-honesty.

Thanks, that's all for tonight.