Day 442 - Speak up, son!

To be a man. To be seen as a man. To hold my body as a man. To sound like a man!

This is but one way I've oriented myself, through the backchat comparison of Self to Man.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as 'less than' those who hold themselves in this confident, present voice - one that I have not seen in me for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and my vocal expression to others firstly, trying to shape my expression in a safe and specific way, so as to hide myself, for I do not want to be judged for my authentic, self expression.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the 'safety' of projecting characters of me out in the world, instead of allowing myself, within/through Self-Acceptance, just be, and express me naturally, simply.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself within and through AMBITION, not seeing realizing or understanding the significance of my starting point being rooted in fear, inferiority.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see myself as ACCEPTED, by all and by me -- and to ride the wave of awareness and focus as I drive me into perfect, verbal expression.

When and as I see myself getting in a head spin about not wanting to talk or speak up, because I "can't find my words" - I see and understand that there is resistance to self-honesty for one fear/reason or another.

I commit myself to slow down and get self-honest.

I commit myself to show myself that I do want to go there.

I commit myself to show COURAGE in my stand.

When and as I see myself perceiving myself as in-fear-ior to another person, I stop, I breathe. I realize my equality as 1, just as they are 1, too. I commit myself to speak with confidence, knowing what I want to say before & as I start flapping vocal chords..

I commit myself to seeing me as 1, and equal.

I commit myself to voicing myself with integrity, utilizing my body to place specific ripples into motion, bring life to words and words to life.

I commit myself to trust myself through this process.

I commit myself to stop hesitating when the Self-judger backchat starts to speak up - and to rather move into my body, find the words, and engage in co-created presence.

One.
Word.
At.
A.
Time.

OWAAT



And a sneak peak for next time:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am inherently inferior to others to speak sense effortlessly, and seem to already have social approval/recognition - something I can only ever hope for because I perceive others to have the power of assigning acceptance to me...

--

Check out process, lots happening!

Day 417 - Damn Daniel! Back at it again...

...with the Journey to Life blogging!

In the summer of 2013, I had the great fortune of traveling to South Africa to live on the Desteni farm for a couple of months. During that time, I felt like I no longer needed to remain consistent with my daily blog because I had proven myself (to others) and made it there (feeling accepted), which reveals that my starting point in blogging wasn't fully for me. So, I let it slide and focused myself on interacting within the physically immediate relationships, despite Bernard emphasizing to me how important it is that I keep consistent with the writing, as a primary point of visibility in my process.

In retrospect, it was kind of like my social programming that I lived out in college, prioritizing the social scene over homework. I liked being judged by my immediate character rather than the permanent, anyone-can-see writings posted online. Managing the (projected) social judgments of a few personalities was kind of my forte, a skill I'd been developing since the sixth grade, when I moved from NY to CA and had the opportunity to recreate my self-perception without the baggage of my past social faux pas.

The consequences of orienting to a socially constructed self-perception, have become more and more...consequential. Building this inauthentic self-confidence, doomed to crack and crumble, was an uphill battle. Yeah, maybe I learned a few useful coping skills, like how to be "cool" in a small/dynamic social scene, but the real shit going on under the surface: low self worth, low self-esteem, fears of rejection and not being accepted by others - never went away. In fact, it only got worse, taking on new forms and intensities.

For example, my blogging tapered off because I couldn't so easily manage the perceptions of others. Posting publicly like this ultimately demands authenticity, which is totally cool because I still hardly know the authentic me! Another example: My agreement relationship demands that I reorient to my authentic self, because the facade-self only holds up for so long before breaking down.

Thus,

the Desteni "I" Process.

Which includes actively applying the tools of self-investigative writing, self-forgiveness, breathing and real-time self correction.

So, here I am, restating my starting point: I'm not interested in applying my efforts to maintain a crumbling self-conception, especially not when I'm surrounded by all the right information and support (thanks everyone). It's time to finally let it go and start getting to know who the real "I" is.

I don't have the white Vans, and I don't care. I commit myself to letting go of the importance of how others may or may not perceive me. I am cool in my own right, and I'm going to prove that to myself by giving myself the chance to really get to know me. Much to uncover in future postings.

Desteni.org | DesteniIprocess.com | EQAFE.com | wiki.destonians.com

Day 407 - Writing Confidence

It's coming to a boiling point. This is my 4th "Day 407" draft, and I'm ready to move past this writing hangup that's now gone on too long. In this post, I will begin to open up what's been holding me back, so I can finally face it and recreate my expression here forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and empower the belief that I must write to a certain standard for my readers, and within that, compare myself to others in terms of having proper, grammatically correct, and/or just plain "better" writings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the value of my writing with a polarized energy of superior/inferior, and that if I deem it to be less than excellent by my own standards and judgment, I will abandon the writing, and never share it with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust inside of myself when I judge my writing/expression to be less than acceptable or straight up "bad."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my writing on the good/bad polarity construct, not realizing how I'm going into the mind-energy creation and experience; I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can stop it, forgive it, and direct myself despite it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and go into a positive energy experience when I judge my writing as 'good' or well above average.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the importance of sharing my writings publicly.*

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost in the narrow perspective of my ego, either relishing in the positive-reinforcement thereof, or fighting to protect it from any negative associations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my writings are not or will not be good enough to publish for public reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand on the excuse of not wanting to write blog posts because I fear that I will compromise my standing in the world system when those in my personal-physical networks read these posts and formulate opinions and judgments about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power of self-acceptance by anticipating and fearing that others will not accept me, and thus I cannot accept myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect self-acceptance to the reflection of other's accepting me, not seeing, realizing and understanding how my own self-honesty within my relationship to myself is the ONE and ONLY place from which I can develop and live Self-Acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, become frustrated with myself, and hold myself in this self-sabotage pattern of fearing that my writing will not be good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the cyclical trap of fearing and feeling that I'm not good enough, and in turn manifesting the physical living of not being good enough. I commit myself to END the construct of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've accepted and allowed myself to fall into this negative feedback and downward spiral of a fall that is this writing confidence point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not posting publicly by writing privately.

*
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see clearly the purpose of posting publicly:

- To share my process

- To cross reference my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others cross referencing my process because I know that I'm not living self-honestly in every moment, and thus still am not walking my process to my utmost ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposure and transparency because I know my ego cannot exist the way it has been with fully integrated honesty and integrity from all perspectives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not staying on topic, and within this, for creating a resistance toward blogging because I tend to open up points in a way that don't stay within the self-imposed boundaries of the blog title.

Ok.

I commit myself to write in this blog at least every other day.

(Wow. I have a lot of reactions going on inside of me with that one commitment statement. I'll open that up in the next post.)


When and as I see myself going into a self-judgment while composing a blog / walking my writing process, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I cannot compare myself to anything, in this self-honest process of perfecting myself. I commit myself to transmuting perfection-comparison energy into a physical resolve and motivation to walk the self purification/perfection process.

I commit myself to moving within a self-acceptance and knowingness that I am not perfect, that it's ok if other's laugh at me or talk bad about me with their peers. (ridicule point)

(Overwhelmingness feeling: too much information in my blog to keep it all nice and neat, connecting all the points to each other - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the information as I look at it in my mind, forgetting that all I must simply do is Breathe and move within each and every breath - point by point, from beginning to end)

I commit myself to living within the realization that the writing and creations that I bring into the physical reality are me, and within this realization, I commit myself to create a life that I can be proud of when I'm gone.

I commit myself to end the abusive squandering of my potential.

I commit myself to find and abolish the threads of complacency in my life.

I commit myself to producing tangible support structures for myself and all those who honor life.

I commit myself to bring my excuses into awareness and process through them with self-honesty and writing.

I see now. Writing isn't for my audience. I need me to write for me. It's the only way I'm going to be able to navigate through my mind.

And I'm committed to living with integrity in the pursuit of my ultimate WHY, so I best share my journey with you. Thanks.

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