Day 286 - Self in Context of Human Rights

Spending even a little bit of time researching the current human rights affairs leaves a feeling of overwhelming disappointment. There is all this and that going on about human rights, but no one* is really doing anything to prevent the atrocities that take place on this planet. No one can have peace of mind without a a sweet monetary cushion. So really, the only people who can have the luxury of protected rights are those who can afford them, those that can afford legal defense and mitigation....ooo, that word is charged negatively in me. I don't know about you but I become somewhat enraged with the thought of the fortunate humans taking advantage of their fortunes to mitigate life circumstances to remain in a bubble, whereas the less fortunate human beings get no other option but full force misery. Word of the moment: Unfair

I have particular relationship to unfairness that I've been half aware of since my little brother was born. Now, I realize that all this time that "I wanted things to be fair," I actually only cared I was dealt a hand of unfair cards. As long as I was moving through circumstance of fairness or better, I was content. Through this, I unfairly treated others and my brother in particular. He was the easy target that I used to practice getting my way. I didn't realize the consequences of my behavior until I started studying the Desteni material. It is here that I really started considering who I am, instead of just what I want. I welcomed the core message of Self-Honesty, and so began process.

So far, I'v been very focused on myself. I understand that I need to work out my quirks to stabilize with an awareness of self so I can prevent unnecessary consequence. I'm not with every breath just yet, but progress is being made as an accumulation of awareness. A practical example: Flag pointing that feeling of superiority. I've been much more considerate of the awareness/stance of others when in conversation. This is just one aspect of the superiority/inferiority construct, and I still have a lot to walk through related to my inferiority complex - which is where I started from when I began constructing my ego drive for superiority.

What does all my personal baggage have to do with human rights? This relates to the point I addressed in yesterday's blog: Day 285 - Responsibility to Myself as Existence as a Whole where I basically connected my self-responsibility to worldly-responsibility (with plenty of room to elaborate in posts to come; it's a process). For now, I commit myself to spend a nice blend of my time writing for self here and for self as all through the equal human rights campaign.

I commit myself to spending the time to investigate human rights as an equal and one relationship with how I've committed myself to spending time on my individual process. It's time to get crackin: All for One and One for All style :)

Special thanks to Marlen's Equal Life Rights post! Check it out.

Day 278 - The History of a Nail Biter

Continued from Day 277 - Expansion and Growth

Yesterday, I opened up a few new perspectives to what's going on behind my nail biting habit. Today, I'm going to explore the major components as memories in my past that supported the nail biting character.

Going back to my past there are a few moments that stand out in relation to my decision to chew my nails. The most prominent memory was seeing my brother's fingernail get ripped off in a screen door accident.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape who I am through a fear of pain from having my fingernail ripped off.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to bite my nails even since I've realized that I repeatedly manifesting the nail pain that I fear through biting/clipping my fingernails too short.

The second memory that stands out is a vague remembrance of the thought that long fingernails are are feminine/girly and that was a risk to my social status. Striving to be cool and accepted back in elementary school was a challenge point that has largely shaped my socialization process throughout my life thus far.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how others might judge me if I were to have long fingernails, not realizing that I am actually judging myself within this.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being perceived as feminine, and in this compromising my reputation and ability to be accepted and liked by others, particularly females.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and create a relationship of dislike toward the image of having long fingernails as a male.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the picture representation of myself.
• I realize that I've constructed an archive of pictures connected to meanings within my mind for the purpose of comparison and positioning myself as ego.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my physical image to others, not realizing that the only purpose herein is to serve my ego by relative self-definition.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my ego-self-definition is 

The third significant component to my nail biting was a personality I created through backchat of comparative spite toward my brother. In our younger years, one of his key defenses against me was scratching me. I absolutely hated when he did it. Exactly why, I do not know, but definitely in part because I couldn't make it fair by scratching him back. Within this, a need for things to be fair between us was an internal reality that I enforced to the extent of my ability. Back then, I didn't care to be honest with myself about how unfairly I was treating him. I would throw a fit when he would get the best of me, I digress. I would also ridicule him in the context of the above (2nd memory) point to attempt to control him, to validate my fear/perspective. So, this was just a point I would think about that contributed to justification of biting my nails. It served primarily to increase the separation between my brother and I so I could build my ego up. Shucks.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself before my brother in such a way that I would construct a false confidence within me by putting him down and separating myself from him.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself and not consider the consequences of my words and actions from his shoes.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the way I treated him was okay because "I only wanted the best for him" and would try to induce behavior change in him with derogatory insults.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails through a belief/backchat that it would make me superior to my brother.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define long fingernails as negative and worthy of ridicule within myself and with-out into my world.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel my nail biting habit to achieve a mental superiority complex, not realizing how I am compromising myself, my brother, and our relationship.

The fourth and final point that comes up when I think back to why I originally started this habit is convenience. It was more convenient to just bite my nails, rather than go through the process of manicuring myself.

• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define my relationship to self-maintenance and hygiene within difficulty.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails as a shortcut to practical hygiene, not realizing in self-honesty that this form of substitution is actually rather unhygienic.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer shortcuts and compromise to being thorough and honest with myself.

This post is an excavation of the historical justifications that I used while implementing the nail biting behavior. There is still more to be investigated within this point. As I walk this process of stopping my fingernail snacking through writing, I am strengthening my awareness of when I start to bite. I'm not going to make the same miss-take as I had before by imposing an expectation of myself of which I can fail and go into a depressive state of giving up on myself. I breathe, I walk. I develop self-honesty and stability as I sort myself out and apply myself to change myself.

I realize that there is nothing inherently wrong with biting fingernails. I have automated this behavior and infused anxiety such that it had become an unconscious outlet of my anxious state. I commit myself to persist in uprooting this nail biting habit to reveal to myself the nature of my mental programming. With this information, I commit myself to apply it practically through self-forgiveness and the process of thorough self-change.

Average appearance for over a decade

P.S. Yesterday, I also mentioned the relationship to nail biting as a potential alternate form of the thumb sucking habit that I "stopped"earlier on. Re-investigate this point later on.

Thanks reader!