Ok, I'm in the final 18 minutes of the month, so it's time for a quick recap and resetting my sights for October 2018. This is going to be my 13th post of 30 days, without any doubling up, even though that was my intention while excusing myself from missing a day.
I've learned that a lot of the issues I'm creating for myself come from framing my reality in narrow ways. For example, approaching my writing like I would homework, procrastinating it until the final few minutes, turning it into this big monster, just like I would with a term paper.
In hindsight, to make the most of not reaching my goal - I've got to learn all I can about myself and how I operate, so I can make a more realistic goal for myself. One thing: I underestimate how much energy these posts can take, so doing one a day is a lot. I cannot let this perceptual mishap continue to burn me as it has. More grounded, realistic planning will go along way. I'll continue to unpack more dimensions here as I find them.
For October, I commit myself to write 15 days or more. Time to test a commitment to myself for every other day. My thinking is this will open up more room for writing longer posts with more specifics and depth in them, while then giving me a day to rest in between (if needed). Test all things, keep what's best.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a failure, and so focus on failing instead of what I can do.
I commit myself to continue re-framing 'failure' in my living expression to catapult my success!
See you on the next calendar page.
Day 455 - Work Hard, Every Waking Hour
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| Click to watch inspiring video |
Right at the beginning of this video (20 seconds in), the creator shows a clip of Elon saying:
"...we're so hard off, we had just one computer; so the website was up during the day, and I was coding at night. Work hard, like, every waking hour. That's the thing I would say, particularly if you're starting a company."
The rest of the video is worthwhile, breaking down how Elon's inclusive vision for humanity is a major component to his appeal, making up for his poor presentation skills.
I may not have the intellect of Musk, but I share a similar vision for humanity = United. I foresee a world where individuals are looking out for the best interests self and all. Self is All, so golden rule all around!
But what's been getting in the way of such basic human compassion?
Fear.
The fear keeps us cycling in the mind, so we never get to truly know ourselves. And without knowing ourselves, we don't get to know others. Instead we fear them, because we've got to look out for #1 (+family/clan), only to end up giving cause for fear. Just as hurt people, hurt people; scared people scare people! We've got to start getting a handle on the Self = All equation, and start STOPPING these deep-seated & multi-generational designs that we've lived into our lives.
It's easy to fall into fear paradigm because we've collectively been doing it, a very long time.
Here comes the work!
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to work hard, every waking hour, in a balanced manner, such that all my needs and responsibilities are being taken care of, so that I may additionally focus on Self and Business development projects.
I commit myself to writing myself to orient when and as I see myself not working hard.
There's lots to do. Big world solutions are needed. This blog is just the beginning! Sack up Daniel.
#ElonSpeed
Day 454 - Going Deeper, pt.3
Falling into such a familiar pattern of justified inaction..it's slightly insane. But what I'm starting to realize is that REAL self change, takes time and dedicated practice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify doing nothing, despite knowing that's exactly how nothing gets done.
Sometimes it's: Not feeling confident enough to post -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not writing because I am afraid that my expression isn't to par, participating in the vein of thoughts, labeled: "You are your own worst critic" - to diminish my confidence by comparison, both internally as a measure of where I think I should be or by hypothetical judgments from my readers... across the world... throughout time..
LOTS of space for my mind to play with me, when I'm not taking directive responsibility here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my writing about my audience, when this journey is firstly: self for self - me coming to terms with who I am, so that I can proactively reshape my destiny for the betterment of Self, and All.
Getting back to Self for Self -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quantumly prioritize the possible opinions of others, such that my subconscious chatter is getting in the way of my clarity and subsequent action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I'm here, leaving a physical impression everyday, and that I have a responsibility to direct and initiate my life to create physical outcomes that I can truly be proud of at the end of time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts that obscure my starting point, and then remain distracted instead of driving myself toward inner clarity.
I commit myself to grounding myself in the physical, writing, clarifying my starting point and the physical action plan required to see something through - and to recognize when I get off track, so that I may create a a new plan that sets me back on course.
Then there's Misplaced Authority -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Authority, and create a void within me that needs to be fulfilled by an outside force of validation before I will take action.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, recognize and implement Self-Authority, wherein I substantiate myself, build the self-trust by seeing who I am in the physical reality, acknowledge my lack, and fill that void myself - getting specific about resolving the uncertainties that would otherwise undermine my inner authority as the power to make clear decisions and direct myself accordingly.
I forgive myself for living and leading my life according to how I could elicit desirable reactions in others, and in that process, severely diminish my ability to make decisions for myself that comes from knowing myself and my context more clearly.
I commit myself to breathing and aligning information within myself in clarity, so as to eliminate any excuses for NOT seeing the common sense of a situation.
I commit myself to returning to the innocence of a child-like expression when I sit to do self-discovery work in these posts or when I work on career challenges, to incrementally develop my self-authority.
--
During this blogging challenge to myself this month, I've noticed another interesting dynamic holding this self-sabotage pattern in place:
There's is oscillating polarity going on where I am writing for others, or I am accountable to no one and so do not need to write. Here, I'm completely missing the point of remembering "WHY am I writing?" I am writing for me, first and foremost. Publishing and having readers MUST be secondary and not interfere with this authentic self-discovery and self-perfection process.
When and as I see myself justifying, excusing, or limiting my self-expression through writing blogs, I commit myself to getting clear, and remembering why I started this journey.
I commit myself to recognizing all of my fears of judgement that I have in relation to others, are in fact judgements that I have of myself, and I'm only projecting them on the world.
When and as I see myself in fear of how others might judge me, I commit myself to owning my self-judgements, forgiving them, and returning to clarity I need to proceed in facing any point.
...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit on this post because I judge it & myself as disorganized, scattered and lacking depth.
I commit myself to expanding on the points above, as the devil is in the details.
In order to hurdle these self-destructive points, I need to get clear, know myself inside and out, so I may sooner catch myself when I fall.
More to come. Thanks for your patience and support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify doing nothing, despite knowing that's exactly how nothing gets done.
Sometimes it's: Not feeling confident enough to post -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not writing because I am afraid that my expression isn't to par, participating in the vein of thoughts, labeled: "You are your own worst critic" - to diminish my confidence by comparison, both internally as a measure of where I think I should be or by hypothetical judgments from my readers... across the world... throughout time..
LOTS of space for my mind to play with me, when I'm not taking directive responsibility here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my writing about my audience, when this journey is firstly: self for self - me coming to terms with who I am, so that I can proactively reshape my destiny for the betterment of Self, and All.
Getting back to Self for Self -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quantumly prioritize the possible opinions of others, such that my subconscious chatter is getting in the way of my clarity and subsequent action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I'm here, leaving a physical impression everyday, and that I have a responsibility to direct and initiate my life to create physical outcomes that I can truly be proud of at the end of time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts that obscure my starting point, and then remain distracted instead of driving myself toward inner clarity.
I commit myself to grounding myself in the physical, writing, clarifying my starting point and the physical action plan required to see something through - and to recognize when I get off track, so that I may create a a new plan that sets me back on course.
Then there's Misplaced Authority -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Authority, and create a void within me that needs to be fulfilled by an outside force of validation before I will take action.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, recognize and implement Self-Authority, wherein I substantiate myself, build the self-trust by seeing who I am in the physical reality, acknowledge my lack, and fill that void myself - getting specific about resolving the uncertainties that would otherwise undermine my inner authority as the power to make clear decisions and direct myself accordingly.
I forgive myself for living and leading my life according to how I could elicit desirable reactions in others, and in that process, severely diminish my ability to make decisions for myself that comes from knowing myself and my context more clearly.
I commit myself to breathing and aligning information within myself in clarity, so as to eliminate any excuses for NOT seeing the common sense of a situation.
I commit myself to returning to the innocence of a child-like expression when I sit to do self-discovery work in these posts or when I work on career challenges, to incrementally develop my self-authority.
--
During this blogging challenge to myself this month, I've noticed another interesting dynamic holding this self-sabotage pattern in place:
There's is oscillating polarity going on where I am writing for others, or I am accountable to no one and so do not need to write. Here, I'm completely missing the point of remembering "WHY am I writing?" I am writing for me, first and foremost. Publishing and having readers MUST be secondary and not interfere with this authentic self-discovery and self-perfection process.
When and as I see myself justifying, excusing, or limiting my self-expression through writing blogs, I commit myself to getting clear, and remembering why I started this journey.
I commit myself to recognizing all of my fears of judgement that I have in relation to others, are in fact judgements that I have of myself, and I'm only projecting them on the world.
When and as I see myself in fear of how others might judge me, I commit myself to owning my self-judgements, forgiving them, and returning to clarity I need to proceed in facing any point.
...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit on this post because I judge it & myself as disorganized, scattered and lacking depth.
I commit myself to expanding on the points above, as the devil is in the details.
In order to hurdle these self-destructive points, I need to get clear, know myself inside and out, so I may sooner catch myself when I fall.
More to come. Thanks for your patience and support.
Day 453 - Going Deeper, pt.2
Sputtering: to proceed or develop in a spasmodic and feeble way. (ex. The old car was running on fumes, sputtering down the road.)
Also continuing from my first post in this 30 day series, there's an apparent need to go deeper into why I keep blocking myself from writing.
One day, it's simple, I just let myself write.
The next day, well..
The resistance takes many forms, like sleepiness or jumping into distractions, but why am I giving way to the resistance so quickly each time I'm facing deeper dimensions of myself in writing?
All that comes up is fear as ego-protection. The what-ifs and the primary fear: been seen as the fallible human that I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acknowledging my own imperfections, and try to avoid them by creating a personality of hesitancy in my self-expression, waiting for the right moment to assert myself in the right way - veiling my authenticity, cleverly even from myself, as I further develop a 'people-pleasing' personality and get further from myself, who I am, my wants, my goals and ambitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself, because I fear that just being me, isn't enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in personality constructs that are 'safe' because they work for me within my environment, not seeing, realizing or understanding how I'm then only ever building a 'house of cards', bound to come crashing down, because I'm not substantiating each relationship by bring my integrated self, my whole +1 to the table.
I commit myself to shedding the personalities, each time I recognize myself within one, and being vulnerable and raw, coming as I am, no self-judgement.
I commit myself to use my breath as cross reference in the physical, to assist with determining when/if I'm loaded up into a narrow personality construct, using breath as well to support my returning to presence and the authenticity that is always here, in real-time, breath-pace.
I commit myself to continue aligning my integrated character with what's best for all by removing personality systems that are outdated and/or in narrow in scope, and replacing them with an "okay-ness" or immediate self-acceptance, allowing me to walk vulnerably with any situation, and just allow my expression to come up. Whatever comes, I accept it, and then I face it as I continue to fine tune my standing character, as the expression living by principle, courage, and will to do best by me and others. No more personalities based of fear. #wasteoftime
There will be many parts to Going Deeper.. TBC
Also continuing from my first post in this 30 day series, there's an apparent need to go deeper into why I keep blocking myself from writing.
One day, it's simple, I just let myself write.
The next day, well..
The resistance takes many forms, like sleepiness or jumping into distractions, but why am I giving way to the resistance so quickly each time I'm facing deeper dimensions of myself in writing?
All that comes up is fear as ego-protection. The what-ifs and the primary fear: been seen as the fallible human that I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acknowledging my own imperfections, and try to avoid them by creating a personality of hesitancy in my self-expression, waiting for the right moment to assert myself in the right way - veiling my authenticity, cleverly even from myself, as I further develop a 'people-pleasing' personality and get further from myself, who I am, my wants, my goals and ambitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself, because I fear that just being me, isn't enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in personality constructs that are 'safe' because they work for me within my environment, not seeing, realizing or understanding how I'm then only ever building a 'house of cards', bound to come crashing down, because I'm not substantiating each relationship by bring my integrated self, my whole +1 to the table.
I commit myself to shedding the personalities, each time I recognize myself within one, and being vulnerable and raw, coming as I am, no self-judgement.
I commit myself to use my breath as cross reference in the physical, to assist with determining when/if I'm loaded up into a narrow personality construct, using breath as well to support my returning to presence and the authenticity that is always here, in real-time, breath-pace.
I commit myself to continue aligning my integrated character with what's best for all by removing personality systems that are outdated and/or in narrow in scope, and replacing them with an "okay-ness" or immediate self-acceptance, allowing me to walk vulnerably with any situation, and just allow my expression to come up. Whatever comes, I accept it, and then I face it as I continue to fine tune my standing character, as the expression living by principle, courage, and will to do best by me and others. No more personalities based of fear. #wasteoftime
There will be many parts to Going Deeper.. TBC
Day 452 - Trip, Fall, Catch
Publishing everyday is no joke.
It's a serious commitment.
Life with all it's dynamic demands often get in the way. But here's the cool part: I'm always at will to catch myself in a fall.
Parkour lesson #1: Falling with grace.
(This will probably turn into another post.*)
When the ground is coming at you, there's actually a lot of time to respond to its/our velocity. When I first started playing with this concept, I was really drawn to the 'damage control' aspect, minimizing the overall impact for longevity of the body. Especially considering how a simple fall can have devastating, life-long consequences, I'd say it's worth it to practice and hone the skill of physical response capabilities the moment your inner ear tells you gravity is not operating within normal perimeters.
So, with the blogging, I didn't catch myself in 1 or even 2 days, and I find that interesting. I had plenty of moments to correct and perhaps not even miss any days. As soon as my evening plans changed, I could have incorporated my blogging time into my early afternoon time, for example. When I break it all down, all the excuses are BS.
What's valid, what stands, is that I do need to redefine, reshape, reconfigure these posts, to fit a "daily" style. What does that mean? I'll let go of pictures. Sometimes, but not all the times. The pressure I put on myself with the picture can sometimes be a reason for me to go into resistance, verses just simply dropping into my keyboard and the blank post and sharing candidly. Self-honestly, if I didn't procrastinate till 11:55pm to post each night, adding a picture isn't really such a big deal, and probably worth my while.
What else? I'll still do basic formatting. And I'm keeping the once-over edit, which is how I say: giving my post a single re-read, fixing, adding and subtracting as I see fit, and then publish. I'll keep adding keywords or labels, but how I do it may change. Instead of trying to attract others by using words that may help my search engine ranking, I'm going to simplify it and just do the basic few + some to categorize the main point, instead of trying to hit every angle.
And: I'm going to create 30 posts in the 30 days of September. That's what I signed on for initially, and when I missed these past few days, that's the agreement I made with myself, that instead of forcing myself to skip a day, I would let myself make it up. It's an odd excuse, "I'm not allowed to post TWO Day's in one day!" - I'll give this point its own post (soon), but the idea that "I can technically do what ever the hell I want to do," is really empowering. I set my own rules because it's my own self-expression. When life throws a curve ball, I adapt to the circumstance in my unique way. I commit myself to completing 30 posts in 30 days, even if that means I have to double or even triple up on some days.
The point of facing myself in a fall can be challenging (posts on that to come as well). It's a humble, recognition process, and then it's a decision to change the outcome for the best. It happens at all different time-levels. Fast-fast, when you're changing from high speed or heights, and much slower, at a different pace altogether - a 'life fall' (using that term loosely) happens when we just fall out of touch with ourselves, our interests, our joy, our meaning, our decision to be our best self..
I forgive me for accepting and allowing me mistreat me, by being less than I can be, and hiding from myself the reasons for which I'm sabotaging my best-self, so that I can't be honest with myself enough to see, realize and change without further ado.
I commit to treating me, myself, my life, with a little more respect, as this is the foundation of me in the world. I am responsible, within my capability, to grow as a human. All habits and behaviors that are not supportive of myself and others, are suspect and require deep, written examination (in posts to come).
I commit myself to reshaping how I approach this blog, being 'okay' with utilizing it more as a processing space for myself, however, publicly. So, it'll be more raw and behind-the-scenes style Dan, and I'll reserve the more fancy, SEO compliant, picture populated posts for another platform.*
For now, rest assured, I'll continue my writing. Fathom that it's totally possible to blog two days in one day, and just be ok with it, don't judge me. Ok?
Here we go!
Day 451 - What takes FORM?
I wore myself out running around the beach. I came home to eat and write before bed, but I was really tired after leftover pizza.
I set the alarm to sleep from 9:54pm to 10...snooze for 10, snooze for 10 more.
I move from the couch to my bed, thinking I can fool myself into one final, brief rest before writing, but no alarm this time. That was really a decision. I vaguely decided I'll make it up to myself by posting twice the next day, or whatever.
Why is this decision so shrouded and unclear? Let's unpack it!
This kind of non-decision, an abdication of responsibility. I was physically tired, but that wasn't even a consideration at the time because I was too focused on the negative self-critic, like "I'm a failure," and/or 'scheming' to try and justify going the 'easy way'.
While resting, in the background of my mind, I'm doing this whole process and giving myself 'the run around' internally, covering up the self-judgement and justifications, trying to make everything seem ok... until I pass out. It's like distracting myself from facing myself until I ab-use my body's need for sleep as 'an out' from having to face what's really going on in me, in stillness.
As a result of the internal mess, no post is made, no-thing takes form.
So, to the point, the big realization:
I set the alarm to sleep from 9:54pm to 10...snooze for 10, snooze for 10 more.
I move from the couch to my bed, thinking I can fool myself into one final, brief rest before writing, but no alarm this time. That was really a decision. I vaguely decided I'll make it up to myself by posting twice the next day, or whatever.
Why is this decision so shrouded and unclear? Let's unpack it!
This kind of non-decision, an abdication of responsibility. I was physically tired, but that wasn't even a consideration at the time because I was too focused on the negative self-critic, like "I'm a failure," and/or 'scheming' to try and justify going the 'easy way'.
While resting, in the background of my mind, I'm doing this whole process and giving myself 'the run around' internally, covering up the self-judgement and justifications, trying to make everything seem ok... until I pass out. It's like distracting myself from facing myself until I ab-use my body's need for sleep as 'an out' from having to face what's really going on in me, in stillness.
As a result of the internal mess, no post is made, no-thing takes form.
So, to the point, the big realization:
Clear Decision-Making
is a key to creation.
By asking ourselves the most relevant questions, we can take aim for creation with more specificity. Each question answered sheds light on how best to proceed, but without Self-Honesty, we'll just opt for delusion when faced with getting nitty-gritty of who I am, have become and choose to be.
I didn't make a self-honest decision to skip a day of blogging. I wasn't slowed down, in my body, and considering within awareness, a practical compromise or solution for my predicament. I was running around in my mind, justifying layers of excuses and reasons until I exhaust myself into a consciousless slumber.
A clear decision to rest the body can be a beautiful gift.
I commit myself to becoming more deliberate with my body, my movements, my decisions, my bedtime.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the truth of my decisions and actions within a mental whirlwind of justification and self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistreat my body by more considering my own ego's priority system, rather than that of my physical formation.
I commit myself to form deliberately, carefully.
I commit myself to exposing all half-measures and BS justifications within my operating system.
I commit myself to getting really clear, on what takes form in my life.
Day 450 - Nostalgia Redefined, pt.2
"Ah, those were the good ol' days!"
Reminiscing about times past, with a small sense of yearning to be where and/or how I used to be. This is lazy nostalgia, participating just when it comes up in conversation between peers. It's self-detached, not seeing self as equal with self at all moments in time, and it diminishes the present self by comparison.
What would be a more proactive nostalgia?.. To live in way where I would look back on the memory fondly, continually creating a trail of interactions for which myself and others could feel nostalgic about, and within that, be inspired to connect more with that quality in/of life, here, today.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the feeling of nostalgia, create a relationship to it, where I file and organize that which I am nostalgic about because I don't want to have a messy emotional life, but I also don't want to let go, because I'm afraid that I won't be able to replicate that which I feel nostalgic about.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a certain quality to life and living, such as a childlike expression of exploring the mundane which a fresh inquiry, and so create a relationship to a memory, mark it with a positive feeling, and carry on, not realizing, seeing or understanding the many insights that can be drawn from a singular memory.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT question the emotion of Nostalgia more closely and clearly, so that I may better understand what it is brought on the experience of nostalgia, and the specifics of what it is that I fear loosing.
I commit myself to investigate myself when nostalgia feelings come up, so I may better understand how I've channeled myself into such a narrow framework of reality. See what it is I desire so much that I'm willing to chose ignorance over awareness.
I commit myself to honor the memories of which I've formed a nostalgic relationship to, by opening them up, celebrating the key/core words of that experience and finding way for which I can bring them back to life in my everyday living. Find the gift!
I commit myself to releasing all memories that I fear losing, for I realize that I can create the new me of today with just as much significance for nostalgia. Live here!
I commit myself to live like I'm worthy of living, and to honor myself at all points in time, past, present and future.
I commit to live nostalgically.
Reminiscing about times past, with a small sense of yearning to be where and/or how I used to be. This is lazy nostalgia, participating just when it comes up in conversation between peers. It's self-detached, not seeing self as equal with self at all moments in time, and it diminishes the present self by comparison.
What would be a more proactive nostalgia?.. To live in way where I would look back on the memory fondly, continually creating a trail of interactions for which myself and others could feel nostalgic about, and within that, be inspired to connect more with that quality in/of life, here, today.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just go with the feeling of nostalgia, create a relationship to it, where I file and organize that which I am nostalgic about because I don't want to have a messy emotional life, but I also don't want to let go, because I'm afraid that I won't be able to replicate that which I feel nostalgic about.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a certain quality to life and living, such as a childlike expression of exploring the mundane which a fresh inquiry, and so create a relationship to a memory, mark it with a positive feeling, and carry on, not realizing, seeing or understanding the many insights that can be drawn from a singular memory.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT question the emotion of Nostalgia more closely and clearly, so that I may better understand what it is brought on the experience of nostalgia, and the specifics of what it is that I fear loosing.
I commit myself to investigate myself when nostalgia feelings come up, so I may better understand how I've channeled myself into such a narrow framework of reality. See what it is I desire so much that I'm willing to chose ignorance over awareness.
I commit myself to honor the memories of which I've formed a nostalgic relationship to, by opening them up, celebrating the key/core words of that experience and finding way for which I can bring them back to life in my everyday living. Find the gift!
I commit myself to releasing all memories that I fear losing, for I realize that I can create the new me of today with just as much significance for nostalgia. Live here!
I commit myself to live like I'm worthy of living, and to honor myself at all points in time, past, present and future.
I commit to live nostalgically.
Day 449 - Nostalgia Redefined, pt.1
Definitions found for: nostalgia (n.)
- longing for something past
- a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations
- the desire to return to some earlier time in one's life, or a fond remembrance of that time, usually tinged with sadness at its having passed
How or in which ways is nostalgia alive in my life?
- I have a file folder for it - paper stuffs that make me smile when remembering their creation, and would certainly make for good conversation with those who were directly involved, way back when!
- Mostly, it's about shared times with others, but there's also many nostalgic times with inanimate objects like pasta and meatballs.
- When something brings me to a time when I felt a certain way, like Free, Empowered, Content
- Nostalgia also motivates me - like a reminder of myself in a different moment, I explore the differences from who I was then to who I am today? And what happened along the way?
In what ways would I like to redefine this word for myself?
- Find the gift, for the me of today. When I have gone through the effort to create an emotional relationship for something in the past, then maybe I've bookmarked it for a reason. But the key is to not just float off into the feeling aspects of nostalgia, but to more scientifically extract the words around the feeling, to understand why I've created this emotional bookmark in the first place. What is the attachment for? What do I fear not having? Getting really specific with myself, so I can practically make use of this information, in terms of re-manifesting the best parts of me that I know I have been and can be.
Day 448 - Courageous Vulnerably
There is a time for silence, and a time to speak up.
Walking that line can be a delicate walk of fear, being afraid to say the wrong thing, or to stake ourselves in words, only to be criticized from an angle we hadn't considered. Embarrassment. I'm Bare Ass Ment. I'm meant to be bare ass, so what's the big whoop?
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that we're all in this this together, going through the same stuff, collectively and individually - and from within this understanding, humbly share what I have to share. The benefits of courageously expressing my experience of life and its inner workings are can be far reaching!
It's worth it for me to write this post, regardless of the measure of its impact on others, because the impact it is having on me = worth it! For me to take this moment, and slow down to a speed where I can confidently place words I want to stand by, publicly -- is a real test of conviction. (great word) It's not going to be perfect, but it builds and accumulates into a more and more fine tuned perspective and articulation of what's going on in me and in this world.
Regularly, courageously vulnerable
is an art form to be mastered! After witnessing several magnificently courageous beings spill their hearts at an open mic poetry night event, I was in beside myself, seeing myself in them, seeing myself in me, and like..."Whoa, I want to do that too!"Challenge accepted, Self! If I can blog everyday, and I can take care of myself, I can run a mile nonstop, and I can, I can, I can.... I can certainly stand up in front of a crowd and speak a few lines that really mean something for me. I care, and connecting with others to show and share how I care = is a pretty cool practice.
I commit myself to stepping in front of more people, challenging myself to share from that point of vulnerability that we can all relate with, and find my power.
I commit myself to, no matter how gloomy and/or fearful things get in my life, to always find my way back to center, back to breath, back to purpose, in its many forms. I stand for life equality and oneness. So what have I to show for my #protest to this delinquent reality we find ourselves in?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to channel my efforts into though-form only, and not actualize my efforts in a grounded, physical and real way. #consistency
At the end of a post, I re-read and edit what I have, once-over. And that's usually a piece of work I can confidently standby. Well, there's no editing IRL, so I consider this blog just practicing grounds. And it's cool because I find that people have a lot to say, but so do I -- so by releasing chunks of it here, I'm able to spend more time listening, and speaking only when fully clear and confident, rather than blabbering on about stuff I've half-processed in my head, many times already. Information can get loopy when it's not grounded in a practice or something alive!
So, thank you for being the public part of my Life Journey Journal. You support me to remember that I'm not just in my room alone on these fateful nights. I'm here with all of you.
Keep on, keeping on.
No matter where you are, take that breath and share your vulnerable self!
#PowerfulStuff
Day 447 - Hooray!! I'm grateful for...
This life!
What am I grateful for in my life?
The connection from hooray to grateful is interesting in itself. When I look at the feeling if it, it's kind of stored as a memory, but like a picture-archetype of a group of people all going "hooray!" after hearing news of an accomplishment or victory to which they all had contributed their blood, sweat and tears.
I connect 'hooray' to joy as gratitude, especially in a teamwork setting. And what I'm most grateful for, is what I most enjoy. So, without further adieu, my
#GratitudeList:
- Connection
First it was Mommy, we all know that. Then they cut the cord. Dad; eventually I became grateful for my brother.. Friends. Beings exchanging words....or more. It's this idea of understanding myself through others, 'two or more in my name. 'What are the similarities? the differences? Who am I in relation to another? Is one of the questions that I'm most grateful for.- Education
Learning and the ability to learn. To understand and be understood. The process of familiarizing ourselves with what's here. I've not really been able to commit to a single area of deep investigation, (other than DIP), because everything is so fascinating. I'd be wise to calm down a bit, and focus my attention more, because specialization of applied understandings, is where the money's at.
By focusing education, we have access to create more value for the world, and fair compensation should be expected. It's the natural way. Not all education is perfect, and I tapped out of Academia after my bachelors to pursue a deeper understanding through...
By focusing education, we have access to create more value for the world, and fair compensation should be expected. It's the natural way. Not all education is perfect, and I tapped out of Academia after my bachelors to pursue a deeper understanding through...
- Vocabulary
Learning words has been nothing short of everything when it comes to learning new things. At a young age, word acquisition was one of the greatest ways we could apply ourselves, for it was a very powerful tool for getting our needs met. More words, more specific requests, more power. The early childhood education vocab lays the foundation for our thoughts, and thus, what we will create in our lives, over and over and over. Fascinating: how we kind of outsource our thoughts to the mind, automate them, and then we get stuck in weird thought patterns that just aren't helpful anymore, if they ever were!!
The more vocab words, the more choices of thought at my disposal. To all who played a part in my journey of realizing the importance of words: Thank You. I've realized it's not too late to be bound by our current vocabulary level, no matter where you're at, you can improve - and it's as worth it now as it was when you were 2. It's a big world out there, and we're all missing it, because we can't see beyond our own vocabulary. Learn Words.
- Body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse and forget about my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain the mind, over my body. I.e. binge eating candy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dissociate from my breath, heart and living flesh, so I can go on a vacation in the mind for some energetic stimulation addiction.
I commit myself to take a breath, slow down, be with my body, cry if I need to, learn from my mistakes, and commit to new awareness.
I commit myself to eat better, to cook my own food more often, and to consider the long-time point of view for everything I ingest.
I commit myself to a daily routine, to honor my body, through exercise and stilling the mind from time to time.
I commit myself to honor my body.
- Me
None of this would be possible if it weren't for me.
Thank you Daniel, you've made many good decisions in your life so far. Keep it up! Don't let yourself get stuck in a rut. You can do what ever you set your sights on. Thanks for sticking with me, as me. We'll get this done! I believe in me.
Thanks for reading..
- All
(this is now a comprehensive list, goodbye)
Day 446 - Meeting People Online
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear that others will not like me and then harshly criticize me, which would further ruin my reputation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea of 'my reputation' and separate myself from it, so that I exist in constant paranoia around managing 'my rep', instead of living and expressing me genuinely, and having my reputation simply follow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to micromanage my expression, in any and all of my interactions with others, out of the fear of non-acceptance.
I commit myself to embrace self-acceptance, and journey on in my writing-expression, unencumbered by paranoid fears of potential judgments.
I commit myself to focus on my immediate, direct participation with the words I express, flowing with what comes up, so that I may channel my inner to my outer, and really begin to sort my existence out.
I commit myself to fear no troll.
--
There's a lot of parallels between meeting people IRL and meeting people online:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the idea of 'my reputation' and separate myself from it, so that I exist in constant paranoia around managing 'my rep', instead of living and expressing me genuinely, and having my reputation simply follow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to micromanage my expression, in any and all of my interactions with others, out of the fear of non-acceptance.
I commit myself to embrace self-acceptance, and journey on in my writing-expression, unencumbered by paranoid fears of potential judgments.
I commit myself to focus on my immediate, direct participation with the words I express, flowing with what comes up, so that I may channel my inner to my outer, and really begin to sort my existence out.
I commit myself to fear no troll.
--
There's a lot of parallels between meeting people IRL and meeting people online:
- Venue/Forum/Topic
- Participation
- One-on-One Interactions
- ...and surely more!
One of the first online communities I joined was about hypnotism. I found an interesting group of people supporting one another to reprogram themselves with hypnotic induction. I was curious, and when the new Forum went live on their site, I decided to participate. And with having an active role, I became a community leader. I eventually lost interest in this topic, but I learned a lot about being in an online, social environment during that first go-around.
From there, I realized that there is probably any kind of group online that one may want to find, so it becomes a question of: which topic(s) am I so interested in, that I would be willing essentially move to a new town (metaphorically) and commit my time and attention to actively participating in a new community?
To be a participant in an active community, seem like a daunting thing, and a mundane thing. Daunting if you're moving to a new country! Mundane, from the perspective that we've always been an active member in our own, personal communities. The internet has really given us access to stretching and expanding our "community." The capacity to broadcast my expression, subjecting myself to ALL, a.k.a. the biggest community, is not within my comfort zone.
My comfort zone / programming, is being able to manipulate one or several people into buying into my bullshit, so I see like the most right person. No, no. I need to stand by something more stable than your run-of-the-mill ego design.
Principle
I commit myself to standing by principle, unwavering, so that I may be vulnerable and strong at the same time: while sharing myself online.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to really meet me, and so have created difficulty with meeting and bonding with others, online or IRL.
I commit myself to continuing with my writing journey, so that I may see myself, as the words I'm willing to stand by and publish to the Interwebz.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cower, lurk, hide, believing that as long as I keep my head down, no one will see me, and so they won't judge me...all the while, not realizing that it was never about anyone else, anyway.
I commit myself to vulnerably participating in all information and groups that I take interest in, and not just lurking and reading. After all, "knowledge without application, is useless."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hoard information out of fear of survival, like, "I will need this info possibly in the future to have leverage over another."
I commit myself to integrating the common sense principles of life, equality and oneness - into my living practice as a human, so that I may be of sound support to others who too have had enough of this awkward self-created chaos we find ourselves in.
--
When we stand by principle, we can have really golden friendships.
The consistency is alluring to the masses who lose sight of themselves daily.
--
So, for this post, just a few layers of fears that I faced while approaching online/off-line community participation. Being a +1 in any group of other +1's is very rewarding! Self as a team is much more powerful than Self alone!
So whaddaya say Gang!?
Hiphip...
Day 445 - Teh Interwebs
For me, it is a wonderful space that I can portal through to connect with other people and information, at my will. Its profundity, is simply unseen by the majority that follow the flashing lights. Just like the Vegas-goer archtype, we ourselves seek the lights, the energy, the fun, the stimulation!
This behavior has been studied by people with big money, obviously, and for a long time before the internet generations. So it begs the question, how are the big players of today, capitalizing on our lack of impulse control and desire for stimulations?
Who are the big players in the attention market today? You know the ones. Just pay attention, to where your attention goes when you're connected to the interwebz, most of the time.
Cool crypto side note: The new Brave browser works in conjunction with the Basic Attention Token (BAT) to reward the web content producers based on the time you spend on their websites. I like that it brings more awareness and control of our attention, back to self, instead of those evil marketing scientists vying for our attention, and effectively so! (A multi-billion dollar market!)
The economy of attention is a wonderful concept to bring into awareness. First understand it, then observe self in relation to the new information, then start integrating it into self-awareness. That's done in the physical. Like any practice: Small, humble steps in the beginning. Then you pick up pace, ask smarter questions, take more risks, have a few falls... But before you know it, you're directing your attention with more meta-awareness than you ever even knew was possible!..for example.
Education is a powerful force, when we make it so. I could go on about my thrills and throw downs around this topic of education, but that'll be for blogs to come. The main point to take note of here is: our connection to information is monumentally faster than EVER BEFORE. To the student wielding pointed questions, this is an incredibly powerful tool.
...And with great power comes, great:
RESPONSIBILITY
Kind of a hectic word in my history. But with time, it's growing on me. I've wanted to avoid it, but I like power....hmmm..
I've come to find that there is a direct relationship to responsibility and power. I've sought the leveraged way for many years, trying to do half the work and "earn" twice as much. I saw that others in the world were doing this, and I couldn't see anything preventing me from doing just the same.
So, I asked that question: Why not me?
Years later and because I had become a savvy web user, the answer was able to arrive.
Throughout my schooling years, I utilized the interwebz to seek higher truths. At the end of '09, Desteni group found my attention. I had a blast assimilating that information, because it rang true, based on what I had been reading and researching up to then...but there was one little hiccup. The concept of oneness and equality sounds great, but then I slowly began to realize that if I'm equal, then I can't be more than others, and that was why I started on as a truth-seeker, just lovin' up on the interwebz, learning all I could, so that I could know more than others, and ultimately..save them.
So, years of integration later, I'm still dismantling the savior complex, realizing how normal I am, seeing me as the accepted and allowed programming, and gently letting that of me go, as I breathe into a new physical moment with my body. The equation of oneness and equality is fairly simple in the physical plane of existence. ie. 1+1=2; What is best for all? Piece a cake.
All this to say that my childhood dreams of leveraging intellect to save the world with the least amount of effort, came crashing down. In ways, they're still crashin'!
What I'm finding as the more I let that go, the more stable I am in my workflow, my "generative output" as I like to call it. And with practice, I'm getting more and more honed in on that sweet spot of responsibly directing my attention in the physical for the highest good that I can create, for myself and ultimately others, too. It's an accumulative and worthwhile effort.
With regards to using the interweb to connect with people...
I'll get to that tomorrow.
Day 444 - Going Deeper
What was that?
 |
| This one, chill tab really enhanced my writing flow for this blog post! |
Where was I?
How did I let myself stop writing for such a long time?
Fascinating, it is, to go deeper into what, why & how things have become they way they are in our lives.
Something cool I've realized in myself is that I have a lot to share. The uncool layer is that I was so wrapped up in my head about wanting to share in some ultra-specific, perfect way (and that's a deep hole!), that I would give way to simple resistances, such as "It can wait.." instead of pushing myself to be a better me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to share the gift of me, with me, and the rest of humanity. Unashamed. Raw. Humble. Whatever, just stop thinking about what/how others' care about my expression, prior to me just plainly & authentically being: me.
Who am I?
It's such a multidimensional question; and as such, it requires multiple answers. Let's take this one chunk at a time here, because I know there is a lot to who I am.
Prominently, I want to identify as a writer.....but today, it's more = "a writer, going through 'writer's block', for far long enough now."
But what's really going on, behind the scenes, that I'm using to justify such a long-standing act of limiting my own expression?
Today, I really wanted to keep this entry short, like the one prior, for ease of reading. Digestibility of my content, is one of my favorite criteria for publishing my works, and it's something of a gift, and a curse. I can either place myself in fear-paralysis that my expression will not be well understood, and build myself a "good enough" barrier that effectively bars my writing efforts; or I can simply take the principle into practice, work with improving my writing skills, expand the way in which I actively critique my writing, vs judging how I may be perceived from the stand point of others as the critics that I must impress. Done with that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to orient so severely to others' possible perceptions of me, that I have lost nearly all focus on driving my own divinity, as the authentic point of departure from my own breath. The me that isn't fucked with by the mind.
I commit myself to continue my journey to life, in writing, here for all to see. Maybe blogger, definitely steemit.com/@dan2all as I continue to work myself out of this lil slump I've been in. YouTube, I can't wait. I'm burning up wanting to share, stifled for way too long by only inner resistances. Fool.
I've worked on my writing and typing for YEARS...I am more than capable. Just need to see me and know that I can move in the ways I know I can move, and MOVE.
Can I write a blog every day this month?...of course I can. Who's going to stop me, but me and my own allowance of the mind's silly self-sabotage programming?! I've kinda been working myself into a corner, and I can't see many unknown variables at this point....I'm sure my mind could drum up something, naturally evolving in its self-preservation program, as it has, rising to the occasion to stop full life force flowin'.....but even this has gone on, and on, and on, and on...I'm starting to see the patters of patterns, and at this point, it seems I'd have to REALLLY want to hide, suppress, and give way to the mind, to keep choosing self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that, to any degree, I have accepted and allowed me to be dishonest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide/cover/suppress various truths of me from my awareness, so that I do not have to accept the responsibility of what it really is to be alive.
I commit myself to blog each day this month. To drop in to a breath and begin. As resistances or fears come up, rinse and repeat with that breath.
No need to pre-edit my expression with subconscious chatter of yesteryear. I commit myself to place myself in writing, with whatever judgements I or others have of me, self-acceptance, and from there, see how I can improve the conveyance of me, through this awesome new multi-dimensional communication medium, commonly known as....
(see you tomorrow;)
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