Day 330 - Always A Fight

It goes something like this: I get into a fight or a disagreement, and my reaction is to protect and defend my position at all costs. I get consumed by my desire to come out on top. In extreme or subtle circumstances, I will go to unfair lengths to defend my original perception. In a family situation, it is easy to be more harsh. In relationships with people that are less established, my knowledge superiority thoughts are likely to be suppressed. So it's not to be taken for granted when I am with family as there is a lot that can be learned by observing my reactive expression while in a comfort zone.

Ways and whys I would take my home-life experiences for granted:
- typical interaction
- blame

That pretty much covers it. There's a lot to look at in blame, yet the concept is simple. Every time I'm in my head telling myself it's their fault for my current experience, I can't see my own responsibility in any given situation. I literally do not want to see how I am responsible. Resistance to humility.

This is a critical point to look at. Not wanting to "step down" is at least half the reason I so adamantly strive to be right when in an argument. Interesting to consider the momentum that builds. Once I'm already in an argument, it's much harder to humble myself, back down, and/or admit that I'm wrong. Prevention is the best cure, and I'm in the business of doing what best for all, so it's time to figure out the pattern(s), understand it, recognize it, then stop it before it starts. Walk it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself resist being wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself with/as superior knowledge, such that when my facts are challenged, I am personally invested and I compulsively assert my defensive attack.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I 'lose' in a battle of wits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with being right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt others so that I can preserve my 'being right' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unfair in conversation by selectively up-playing the facts that support my preexisting knowledge-beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm right and not consider that I might be wrong, especially when my perspective is built on a narrow foundation (too few facts).

When and as I see myself resisting to step down and actually consider the other person's perspective, I stop I breathe. I realize that it's not that bad because I am not the knowledge. I commit myself to walking through that discomfort of humility. I commit myself to stopping the ego need to be right.

When and as I see myself feeling a need to be right, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is my ego. I realize that I am within my ego. I commit myself to realizing myself as my breath.

When and as I see myself repeating this pattern, I stop I breathe, I realize that I am here again. I commit myself to realizing who I have become in that moment, and taking the steps to return to the breath and support what is best for all.

When and as I see myself mistreating another by not actually listening to them and I'm in my own head trying to figure out how to make them listen to me, I stop I breathe. I realize my responsibility to communicate effectively. I commit myself to becoming the best listener that I can be. I commit myself to stop focusing only on my own perspective when in conversation.

When and as I see myself feeling confident, I stop I breathe. I realize this feeling as a reaction to my knowledge structure. I commit myself to taking a closer look at how I've constructed my perspective and looking for possibilities for how I am wrong. Haha, critical thinking 101

Thanks for reading, reader. I was consciously focusing my writing voice toward myself this time (Day 329 for context). If you notice a difference, or have a suggestion for me, please leave me a comment.

photo credit

Day 329 - My writing purpose

Since I've started writing this blog, I've known the true purpose is to support myself in understanding who I have become, so that I am best prepared to produce actual, lasting self-change. The conundrum was that I only knew it, and wasn't really living it. For some part I was, but my focus was oriented very similar to how I oriented my focus in school: Delay, and get it done at the last minute because I have to (because of some external reason). This attitude carried over into my Desteni I Process, because that's all I really knew when it came to doing work.

That being said, now I find that I have begun to actually write for me. How can I tell? I've released the concept that I need to have a post done everyday according to an external guidance or recommendation. Don't get me wrong. I do see the value in making the time to write a post everyday. There are benefits to it that I am still realizing the value thereof, such as stability, planning, follow through and dedication. So, now they've missed more days lately than I am used to, some different self-perspectives are popping up, and I'm starting to see how I'd automated my daily posts without considering my starting point purpose!

That now being said, I still feel like I'm writing in a voice for a general audience, rather than a raw, authentic, 'note to self' voice. So, I realize that it will be a process for me to get a hang of self-writing for self alone. As I remove the layers of my automation, I realize new patterns will emerge. I must face the entirety of me in time. One pattern at I time, I commit myself to deconstructing the specific qualities of my various characters, so that I can gain root access to my physical body, from which I then commit myself to restructuring myself in alignment with what is best for all in the context of when/where/how that specific quality of me is present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk process from a starting point of separation where I have defined myself in relation to how I think others will perceive me through my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my starting point in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist process because I believe I owe myself to my readers and others that might hold me accountable for my "daily" writing commitment, not realizing that I've only ever been sabotaging myself, alone. I realize this is for me. Others may or may not benefit on a side note, but I write for me.

Ok, this is going to to be interesting. I'll start experimenting with a more core writing voice, just naturally letting my self flow write to myself. I have have experience in doing this in my hand written process journal, but even there I recall writing while thinking about how what I write may come off to a future reader that isn't me. Contrived. Inorganic. Artificial. This must stop. It's not best for all, or even anyone. Self-writing is what is best for me and all, especially when I publicize my work.

Ok Dan, sleep. Tomorrow, write some awesome, articulate insight while finishing up that unfinished post from a few days ago. Self, out.

Day 328 - Residual Excuses

I'm been traveling a bit recently, and the irregularity of long travel days can easily throw off one's routine. I still was able to get some solid self-supportive writing in while on the plane or in the car. It was difficult to get into the blog composition routine without internet or usual my home computer environment. This is just an excuse that holds enough weight to not be considered a priority issue.

cc

What I found yesterday, the day that I arrived back home, I had a residual lethargy. Call it "jet lag," whatever. I see jet jag as just another excuse or an opportunity to blame something external for my internal state. What a convenient way to not be responsible for who I am. Today, I partially continued with the same pattern. At what point does does the "jet lag" excuse lose it's legitimacy? It's subjective and varied. Perfect. Now, I can get away with not having to direct myself responsibly.

Within this pattern, I see that I am able to drag out the experience of jet lag. Perhaps at one point, I really needed to nap and rejuvenate. But just like with the mornings where I am able to sleep in and excuse my alarm vs. the mornings with an important obligation, I function fine when I need to and also allow myself to not function when the external need isn't so present. This is a key interaction that I need to examine within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my internal state by blaming my external environment and not realize that I am locking myself into a pattern through abdicating the self-responsibility I have in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time and dismiss my responsibilities to myself through self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thoroughly investigate my dismissal of self-responsibility.

I commit myself to more effectively supporting myself by really opening up the moments of weakness where my emotions get the best of me, to give self context and a stable footing to commence the process of self-change with corrective application.

I commit myself to show up for myself everyday.

I commit myself to recognizing the patterns of excuses that I use to justify my abdication of self-responsibility.

I commit myself to walking the process of stopping those patterns.

Day 327 - Uniting Past, Present and Future

Here. This is the moment that unites past, present, and future. Here, I may contemplate how my past self has played into who I am today. With this in mind, I can see the momentous personality characteristics that create my future self. This is the basis of today's post.

My relationships between the three different selves has long been not considered. My whole life has been much more locked into the present perspective. I hadn't realized that my 'unimportant' past was creating my future because the idea of my future was so vastly different and glorious. My future self had felt like he's already achieved greatness with no context based in the past or present. The separation between my past self, present self, and future self has been causing me much more grief and discord than I had realized. I've been isolated in my present self experience: very chill, "everything's going to be great," optimistic.

Without further ado,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my past self from my present self through deliberately not paying attention to the events of my past because I would rather maintain my optimistic perspective and not be accountable for the past that seems to be long gone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how my past self is connected to my future self, through my present self.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing my present self to recognize the relationship between past and future selves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my future self is going to be glorious when there is no past evidence to support the fruition of this glorious self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect my past, thinking that I can create a better future if I do not have the past weighing me down. In this, I now realize that I can't escape my past, as it is here as me. Ignoring it is actually to my detriment because then I can't address and take responsibility for my past, and thus allowing my past to automatically create my future. Ahhhh, here we go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the automation of my self-creation based on the past, flowing into the future, while my present self sits pretty in an illusionary perspective of control.

Timeline Example - A cool way to map myself...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my past doesn't matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all the power to create my future is in the present, separate from my past events, not realizing that the past is actually here in the present as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the multidimensionality of myself through time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my past self here, to be able to comfortably reside in a disillusioned state of consciousness in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an imagined future self that is beautiful and exciting, let those feelings take over glorify my present perspective, while ignoring the reality of myself here that is primarily composed of my past self.

When and as I see myself excited for my future, I stop I breathe. I realize that day dreaming about my future with no connection to the reality of myself here is a recipe for disaster/inaction. I commit myself to start practically assessing what I am able to accomplish in the near future. I commit myself to stop believing I am great because my future imagined self is great. I commit myself to forming applicable plans within a regard for past, present and future realities of self.

When and as I see myself in a state of carefree present reality, I stop I breathe. I remember that my past self is my self structure, and that without attention to detail, I allow my past to create my future automatically. This causes time-loops of experiences and consequences where I create scenarios to see the reality of myself. Each time I enter a loop, I must wait before I will face myself in a moment of ability to live the change and transcend that pattern. I commit myself to identifying these moments when my past unwittingly creates my future. I commit myself to then write and forgive myself extensively such that I am prepared and ready to STOP the next time my momentous past self begins to bleed into the future. I commit myself to recognizing the totality of my past, here. In so doing, I no longer react within a patterned past self, but instead create my future with a comprehensive awareness of the consequences that may ensue.

When and as I see myself creating a consequential outflow in the present, I stop I breathe. I realize that my past characters are coming out to play. I commit myself to fully investigate the patterned personality, let it go with the gift of self-forgiveness, and qualify my self-change by taking note of similar events in my future and how I act/react.

I am here: past, present and future. To attempt to escape myself is futile and unnecessarily consequential. One self, through time, here. I commit myself to uniting my perception of and responsibility for myself in all moments.

pic credit

Day 326 - Feeling & Information Dissipation

When I woke up this morning, I had just exited a dream world scenario. It was interesting because I had just written about a dream yesterday, and today's dream was related to a point I had opened up a day before (Day 324) about trying to protect myself through acting out worst case scenarios in my imagination first.

The dream was about some big bald guy that was coming to take away our two new kitties. I think we had called some service to take them away for some reason, but I didn't trust him. He took on cat and loaded it into his car, and I started to throw a fit. I broke his entire trunk door off, and he got pissed. He started to come after me with some weapon, and I began going through a set of various playouts for how I would survive / counterattack.

I think I was starting to wake up at this point because of  how I was going through various endings, trying to find the best end to this violent interaction. I took note of the synchronicity with my writings the day before.

cc flickr

If I were to analyze this dream, I'd say that I love kitties! But that's not what I want to talk about here. I'm interested in how I was so emotionally into this dream, and then it just faded away throughout the day. This happens with most dreams, but it got me thinking this time. When I was getting on to my computer to write this post, I could hardly remember the dream, and the feeling of it had completely dissipated.

Then I think, "this happens with real life events too," and that connection got me really curious about the nature of emotional experiences and mental storage.

As I reflect in real time, I see myself moving within the now for the most part. The majority of my past events seem to go in line with "time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin, into the future.." I just keep moving, and the past is the past. My willingness to look at my past and see who and how I was is avoided. I haven't ever before seen a reason to really face my past self: That was then and this is now! And the now just mattered more to because it's where the power lies. That a different topic...but related at the same time.

The pattern that is emerging is how I am not considering my past with an equal weight as I consider myself today. In other words, I believe who I was then is less than who I am now. Interestingly, I also believe my future self to be more than I am now.

To realize oneness and equality of self alone, this separation of self through time is not going to hold up. I am going to have to really realize that my past is the building blocks of me today, who is shaping my future. All parts are the same person. All one. I find it interesting also how I worded that sentence, "I am going to have to..." which implies that the responsibility of realizing and implementing self-change through realization is pushed onto my future self. This won't work. And this seems to have been a common theme in my process so far.

This is the insight I was driving at, I just didn't know it. Past present and future self need to unite. And that's what's been missing. That's what I am to do. I will describe how tomorrow, but as a warm up, I'll end today with this example. By placing myself as my tomorrow self, I am taking responsibility now for who I am tomorrow. In posts to come, I'll be developing my sense of accountability for who I have been in the past as well. I'm genuinely intrigued by this retaliation here today. Excited to see how it plays out.

Because there is still a chance that this information and feeling (intrigued/excited) will dissipate into my the past. This is my window. Tomorrow I decide if I time-loop. To hide from this realization will require a new fold of self-dishonesty that I am not willing to accept and allow.

See ya.