Day 408 - Sorry for not sharing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become overwhelmed when I consider sitting down to write a blog post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take back my awareness, breathe, and direct myself to specifically express myself in a way that supports what is ultimately best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as ego, to insert self-interested priorities that are not only NOT best for all, but also and obviously not best for myself either.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in attempting to portray 'honesty', rather than showing how I live the word 'honesty', with myself, seen in the results of my direct, living participation in physical reality.

I commit myself to sitting down and sharing myself with the world, here. I commit myself to do it more frequently. I commit myself to investigating the resistances to writing blogs, more deeply than I have thus far.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself, that I know who I am in my expression as my written words, and that I trust myself within living 'integrity' to the degree to which I am comfortable sharing my writings with the world. If I look at the top of the page, I see that I've done this already four hundred and seven times. Dan, I suggest to now go back to your old posts and see what I can learn from myself!


So, please, forgive me for not sharing. I commit to take personal responsibility for not sharing myself through a shared investigation of why I haven't. That's a big statement. <that's a reaction.

I react to this because it's head on with what's been holding me back. (This process really is about specifying our aim, and taking on these systems without allowing fear to direct our actions!) To live a commitment like really takes effort. I am responsible for now creating/producing something. I am responsible for taking on this, specific responsibility.

Also, I haven't been sharing myself specifically because I don't want to, for reasons based somewhere on the continuum of self-honest to not. Purifying this decision tree, would be of vast importance. Like cleaning up the starting point in a vital way. Once clean, I will know my why. I will LIVE it.

With this solution in place, I will allow myself to generate organized, specific, supportive writings.

For awhile, I have been giving myself some writing. And now, I commit myself to giving more writing, to everyone. Thank you for being here with me.

Day 407 - Writing Confidence

It's coming to a boiling point. This is my 4th "Day 407" draft, and I'm ready to move past this writing hangup that's now gone on too long. In this post, I will begin to open up what's been holding me back, so I can finally face it and recreate my expression here forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and empower the belief that I must write to a certain standard for my readers, and within that, compare myself to others in terms of having proper, grammatically correct, and/or just plain "better" writings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the value of my writing with a polarized energy of superior/inferior, and that if I deem it to be less than excellent by my own standards and judgment, I will abandon the writing, and never share it with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgust inside of myself when I judge my writing/expression to be less than acceptable or straight up "bad."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my writing on the good/bad polarity construct, not realizing how I'm going into the mind-energy creation and experience; I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can stop it, forgive it, and direct myself despite it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and go into a positive energy experience when I judge my writing as 'good' or well above average.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the importance of sharing my writings publicly.*

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lost in the narrow perspective of my ego, either relishing in the positive-reinforcement thereof, or fighting to protect it from any negative associations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my writings are not or will not be good enough to publish for public reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand on the excuse of not wanting to write blog posts because I fear that I will compromise my standing in the world system when those in my personal-physical networks read these posts and formulate opinions and judgments about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power of self-acceptance by anticipating and fearing that others will not accept me, and thus I cannot accept myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect self-acceptance to the reflection of other's accepting me, not seeing, realizing and understanding how my own self-honesty within my relationship to myself is the ONE and ONLY place from which I can develop and live Self-Acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, become frustrated with myself, and hold myself in this self-sabotage pattern of fearing that my writing will not be good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the cyclical trap of fearing and feeling that I'm not good enough, and in turn manifesting the physical living of not being good enough. I commit myself to END the construct of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I've accepted and allowed myself to fall into this negative feedback and downward spiral of a fall that is this writing confidence point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not posting publicly by writing privately.

*
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see clearly the purpose of posting publicly:

- To share my process

- To cross reference my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others cross referencing my process because I know that I'm not living self-honestly in every moment, and thus still am not walking my process to my utmost ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposure and transparency because I know my ego cannot exist the way it has been with fully integrated honesty and integrity from all perspectives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not staying on topic, and within this, for creating a resistance toward blogging because I tend to open up points in a way that don't stay within the self-imposed boundaries of the blog title.

Ok.

I commit myself to write in this blog at least every other day.

(Wow. I have a lot of reactions going on inside of me with that one commitment statement. I'll open that up in the next post.)


When and as I see myself going into a self-judgment while composing a blog / walking my writing process, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I cannot compare myself to anything, in this self-honest process of perfecting myself. I commit myself to transmuting perfection-comparison energy into a physical resolve and motivation to walk the self purification/perfection process.

I commit myself to moving within a self-acceptance and knowingness that I am not perfect, that it's ok if other's laugh at me or talk bad about me with their peers. (ridicule point)

(Overwhelmingness feeling: too much information in my blog to keep it all nice and neat, connecting all the points to each other - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the information as I look at it in my mind, forgetting that all I must simply do is Breathe and move within each and every breath - point by point, from beginning to end)

I commit myself to living within the realization that the writing and creations that I bring into the physical reality are me, and within this realization, I commit myself to create a life that I can be proud of when I'm gone.

I commit myself to end the abusive squandering of my potential.

I commit myself to find and abolish the threads of complacency in my life.

I commit myself to producing tangible support structures for myself and all those who honor life.

I commit myself to bring my excuses into awareness and process through them with self-honesty and writing.

I see now. Writing isn't for my audience. I need me to write for me. It's the only way I'm going to be able to navigate through my mind.

And I'm committed to living with integrity in the pursuit of my ultimate WHY, so I best share my journey with you. Thanks.

pic credit

Day 406 - Lost in time, lots of the time

There's been a building pressure. A pressure to perform. A pressure to sound coherent, and integrated with all the information in my world. A perception of falling behind ensues. A few moments later, I'm stuck. Everything is ahead of me, and I can't catch up.

Since my last post, I've accumulated a handful of drafts. In time, I may post some of them, but that's the tricky part. I am placing too much faith in time to do the work for me. As if waiting was a key ingredient of creation. I know better than that.

What do I know? I know that writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application of myself is the killer combo of effectively walking process. My mind has come up with several ways to accomplish this without writing publicly. In fact, I have a whole slew of writing mediums, hand written, note apps, file folders, etc. The concerning fact is that I'm writing less and less, even with all the various mediums through which I write.

Sure, I can say I don't have enough time, but that's a tired excuse. Time is a funny thing. Thanks for the reminder Joao (referring to his post here).

What I am finding is that waiting and reacting to whatever comes my way is moving at a snails pace at best. I, as the impetus in my reality, have such potential to create significant outcomes. Ah, to be blinded by the mind. Ah, to shatter perceived reality with a single breath.

Participate, generate, utilize time to it's highest potential, and so live mine.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of anyone who may read my posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear - moving myself further and further away from the physical living participation here in this blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not cross reference myself with physical reality - where I allow myself to spend lots of time thinking, sleeping, goofing around, preparing, stagnating, AND THEN feel guilty about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and feel guilty about my lack of participation in the context of physical creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak in my physical body, to feel pain in my physical body that prevents me from sitting with proper posture while I type at the computer.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the self-sabotage going on here within my decision process that is based on justifications and mental processed that I have accepted and allowed. When and as I see these processed in real-time, I commit myself to speaking the self-forgiveness aloud, and writing a post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about posting 2 of these blog posts in 1 day (morality), and so feel a need to wait until the next day, and then allow myself to get lost in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't have enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not using my time wisely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have all of my time organized very effectively so that I get the most out of every day, and in this desire, separate myself from the practical living application of the steps that I can take today contribute to this goal.

I commit myself to rise each day and take a deep breath.

I commit myself to embody the resolve to direct myself into the creation of my day, instead of allowing myself to follow just whatever comes up in my mind.

I commit myself to taking full responsibility for each and every moment - each and every movement.

I commit myself to stop judging myself when and as I see myself anywhere near self-pity. I commit myself to utilizing this emotion to cross reference my standing and participation in this physical reality.

I commit myself to sharing my process more frequently, here in my journey to life blog.

I commit myself to stop judging myself before I've even created a post, and so I commit myself to stop getting stuck in time because of justified fears that I am still allowing.

When and as these fears come up, I commit myself to speaking the real-time forgiveness, align the correction, and then blog about it. After the point has been corrected multiple times and I am living the correction clearly, I commit myself to post and update.

I'm done dilly-dallying. Process is serious. I am serious about process. I commit myself to stand and walk in the physical. I commit myself to end the reign of mind that's had me for most of my life. However long it takes, I'll stand up over and over again.


Time - Tie Me - I'm tied to time, and thus defined by my physical expression throughout time. Who am I?

I commit myself to show myself, and all, exactly who I am.

Day 405 - Self-Empowerment: Stepping into Manhood

Quick overview of my life: Born in upstate New York, moved to Northern California at age 11, went to college in Southern Californa, lived back at home for a year, went to the Desteni Farm in South Africa and began a committed life partnership.

All of the above happened without much decisive effort by me, except for that last one. I set aside nearly all of my personal dreams and desires to shift onto this life path. You would think that would be a difficult thing to do, and it was! But through some specific support at the farm, I was able to condense that experience into just a couple of days prior to making the decision. It was hectic, but once I saw past my emotional attachments, it was just math. A simple mathematical assessment of what is best for all.

Since that moment, there have been many challenges to say the least. Successful relationships are nothing like what we see on TV. They really are a lot of work! Moving out of my parents home, and out from under their financial support also presented some challenging challenges, to say the least! Now add the basic pressures of a budding entrepreneur. Wham! The trifecta that defined my entry into manhood at age 25.

What is the point of sharing this with you? I didn't know that I would be able to take the steps that I have in the last 2 years. Back then, I could not conceive of giving up my imagined potential futures where I am awesome. Back then, i didn't realize that to begin creating something real, I would have to get grounded and actually do the hard work! No more skating through school life. Mastering the basic responsibilities won't cut it if I want to thrive in the big boys' playground, the adult world, the system.

Can I do it? Will I be able to survive out there in the world? Taking that first step out of the door is the only way to find out! This physical motion is very empowering, and it can't happen without the decision to do it. When shutting down the fears, worry, and concerns, it boils down to that simple decision to take action, and to see it through. Seeing it through merits its own post, and I'll continue with that tomorrow.

So, during the moment of deciding, I didn't have to know everything, and more importantly, I can't know everything. Real world experience is the best way to learn. With the decision to begin unfolding my journey into the unknown, I create the opportunities to learn and grow from real-life experiences. I'll learn as I go, refine and optimize as needed. I'm driving me.

A deep thank you to everyone who has played a part supporting me to get this far! My potential in this life is what it is because of you. Now it's up to me, to attain my highest potential through continuing to make these self-empowering decisions - and see what I'm really made of.

- -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not achieve my dreams and goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail when I go out into the world and begin leading a self-sufficient life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a life of ease, where I wouldn't really have to make any decisions that would lead to a challenging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paralyzed within fear, and not realize how, in so doing, I am robbing myself of the opportunities to really learn, expand and step into manhood.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to focus on what comes up when I'm faced with these potentially self-empowering decisions, investigate as much as necessary until I am clear within myself, when making the decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that would force me to leave my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone real-world responsibilities, and try to maintain an easier, more comfortable life without as many pressures and responsibilities.

I commit myself to readily accept responsibilities that are directly related to my success as an individual within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to push myself into my uncomfortable zones to challenge and expand myself.

I commit myself do daily powerthinking sessions, where I will drive clarity into at least one specific point/decision that I am currently investigating.

I commit myself exposing the fear of failure system once and for all, so that I may stop cycling self-limited living.

I commit myself to do the work that must be done to get to where I want to go.

Day 404 - The Nice Smelling Janitor Lady

Heavenly.

This mysterious lady of few words has walked into my hospital room twice now since starting this 14-day iPad study. She silently allows the trash bags and roll of toilet paper in her hands communicate her purpose for entering my suite. Is she attractive? Yes, but I have only seen half of her face at most. She very much keeps to herself as she conducts her business, but when I say "thank you," she does grace me with a soft "your welcome" as she walks out the door.

After she left the room, I sat down to continue my Sudoku puzzle and was blessed with the most intoxicating, delightful scent that has ever entered my nose. I immediately recalled how much I enjoyed it the first time she dropped in for a brief visit. At this point, I was just sitting there smelling the air as much as I could, hoping it would stick around as long as possible. Phase 2: enter mind. I had been swept into a positive reaction that took me out of this world.

My mind fluttered to what I could/should say to her next time she comes. I wanted to compliment her, so I was trying various phrases and expressions in my mind to find what would have the best impact on her. After about 5 minutes of this hypnotically induced mind state, I realized that was in self-interest. for a moment, I tried to distort my intentions to fit the best for all framework with something along the lines of, "your perfume is very nice, but you don't need it because your already very pretty," but I eventually realized that everything I thought about saying to her about her smell was inescapably self-interested. I had gone into a reaction and my starting point was not clear.

I originally just thought I wanted to brighten her day. Then I realized that I wanted to reinforce and support her decision to use this particular perfume. Then I looked at myself, and began to realize what my motivation for saying something to her really was. I wanted to share a positive moment with this stranger to brighten MY day. A few moments later, I dug deeper and found what I really wanted. Gulp. I hesitate to share it with you now. (Oh and by the way, this whole process of moving through these realizations happened on a piece of scratch paper that I had been using to investigate some other points... just to be clear that this unfolding of realizations didn't just happen in the tides of my mind.) What I really wanted, on a deeper level that I couldn't at all see from that initial level of interpretating my motivation, was that I wanted a full look at her face, frontal view. I wanted to collect a picture memory that I could store and use to contribute to the Ideal Girl collage that I've been imprinting into my mind my whole life.

I was shocked. I couldn't believe my own self-honesty! But here I am. Finding this point had such a strong impact on me that I decided to share it here. Now, I'm in a committed relationship, but I have to be honest with myself: All my sex drive programming didn't just disappear! And I've never written about sexual attraction in relation to smell before. It hit me like Wham! So, my pencil hit the paper like Slam! ;)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to rewire my self-interest to fit inside of acceptable "best for all" parameters - and in this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my self-interested starting point was influencing my investigation of what would be best for all in this circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the principle of doing what is best for all as a potential tool for preserving and justifying my self-interested ventures of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed in a positive experience within my mind after smelling this glorious scent.

I forgive myself for not accpeting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand how I am affected by pleasant smells within and through an unnecessary participation in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by this pleasant smell, into a desire reaction, narrowly perceived through my ego's interest, instead of remaining stable within awareness of my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly continue to go into my mind when a positive experience is involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unwilling to let go of that which I desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is harmless to indulge in a positive experience, and therefore justified, and so NOT flagged for investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am helpless when it comes to desires and urges arising out of my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a female possesses one or more traits that I find appealing, shift myself into my mind within a delusional starting-point fantasy of potential sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the breath awareness tool that I can use to ground myself in my body, and support myself to interact with anyone and everyone as equals.

When and as I see or smell a sexy female, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the reaction of going into my mind is not aligned into what is best for all. It is aligned with self-interest and also many variations of fear. I commit myself to using my breath to get into my flesh and bones, and realize that this person is also flesh and bones, no different from me for all intents and purposes.

I commit myself to making a clear and decisive movement within myself to stop myself from going into my mind and automatically shifting my behavior around attractive strangers.

I commit myself to flagging my reactions to attractive strangers for further investigation, so that I may remain stable in similar future interactions.

When and as I see myself trying to mold my self-interest initiatives into a framework of what is best for all, I stop, I breathe. I realize that my starting point is of self-interest, and I must first clear that before I can look objectively at what is best for all.

I commit myself to recognizing and stopping myself when I see myself TRYING use the best for all equation to preserve and hold onto my self interest.

When and as I see myself trying to preserve my self interests through mental gymnastics, I stop, I breathe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my self-interests. I realize that these narrow-view initiatives are not creating what is best for all, and I can no longer trust that my mind knows what I really want. I understand that I must stop and remove my impulsive, fear/desire constructs, to consider the bigger picture BEFORE I can act in the interest of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself moving into a desire for a positive experience, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this shift into the mind is limiting my perspective and ultimately my power to create what is best for all. I commit myself to constantly recognizing my responsibility to embody my potential and do what is best for all life, to the best of my capacity.

When and as I see myself floating off into my mind in a social situation, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back to the present moment that I'm presently sharing with one or more other individuals. I commit myself to remaining here in all of my social interactions, treating others as I would treat myself, with respect, with dignity. Treating others as the flesh and bones that I am too.

When and as weak points in my sexuality programming present themselves, I commit myself to first breathe, and then investigate the self-honesty of what is going on here, on paper, so that I may support myself to remove myself from the automated programming of my mind, and create myself in alignment with physicality, and the ultimate desire of physicality: Doing what is best for self, as all life.

Day 403 - Editing and Effort

“Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret.”

- Matthew Arnold

In the book called “300 Days of Better Writing” by David Bowman, the author claims this to be likely his favorite quote on the subject of writing. When I was a child, I asked myself what I wanted most, and the answer stuck with me ever since: To understand, and be understood.

Communication is simply the sending and receiving of messages. The written word is a popular and important medium through which communication happens. I have spent several years studying the subject of communication and thus have developed a lot of undstanding and awareness in the field. As a side effect, I've also developed an unhealthy habit of scrutinizing my writing, before I write.

I began removing this form of "writer's block" with self-forgiveness in yesterday's post. Sitting there judging everything I'm about to write before I write can be daunting and often unproductive, and yet, I still want to articulate the concepts I have swirling around in my head in a way that resonates with you, the reader. To accomplish this, I have to put in the effort to improve my writing skills and refine my first drafts when and as needed.

Editing, for me, has been the crucial missing piece. It is the most resisted part of my writing process. For example, I loved procrastinating school papers until the last minute so that I could force myself to have to submit what was essentially my first draft. Looking at it now - it's like I couldn't bare the fact that my writing didn't come out of me perfectly on the first try. And now, i often post blogs without reading what i have written.

So, in light of The Perfect Writer Complex post that I wrote last night, I'm not just going to get sloppy with my writing because I've letting go of this need to produce masterpieces. On the contrary, I'm going to put in more effort to write masterfully.

This is a great example of where self-forgiveness can seem to be a contradiction. Especially in the beginning of my process, I struggled with doing self-forgiveness on positive things. Like girls and music. I loved those things, and to do self-forgiveness on my desire for women and on how good music made me feel seemed absurd. I don't want to stop these things, let alone do I believe them to be wrong...and here's where the erroneous contadiction stems, from this right-wrong polarity construct. How I write, isn't right or wrong. It's more about what I bring to the table.

The key distinguishing factor is how much effort I'm putting forth. To sit and judge my writing before and during the process is the easy way, the mind way. To gather my thoughts, outline, research, draft, and edit - that takes a lot of effort. It's hard work investing the time and effort into the before and after of writing, the preparation and revision processes, but it's a worthy investment. I've been doing the opposite, putting in all my effort, time, and energy into my mind as my inner critic, during the most crucial moment of self-expression. So, I'll further clarify the distinguishing factor to be: How much PHYSICAL effort am I putting forth? Before, during, and after.

Enough rhetoric.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist re-reading and editing my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire my writing to be perfect on the first try, and so resist going back through my writing because my ego might take a hit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with myself when I re-read what I have written and see that it requires a lot of attention and revisions.

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to become frustrated when I'm editing my work because I believe that "no matter how much I change it, it will never be perfect."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat, "...it will never be perfect."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect "...it will never be perfect," with the feeling of overwhelming frustration - and in this experience a defeatedness and desire to give up trying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move in the direction of giving up trying when and as I see that my writing requires multiple revisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that it is okay to write a sloppy first draft.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just write and express myself in a natural flow of imperfection, while having full intent to go back through my writing to edit mistakes and refine for enhanced clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about making mistakes and errors while I'm writing my first draft.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not communicating myself clearly on the first try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself resist and resent the editing process, instead of defining it as a perfectly acceptable component of the writing process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid if and when I do not communicate myself clearly on the first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inauthentic when I do not express myself effectively on the first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist editing because I've defined it to be a separate and optional part of the writing process that requires additional work and time to do.

Redefinition for editing: double checking my work to ensure accuracy when transferring my expression into the written word; a necessary component of the writing process.

I commit myself to re-read every post to this blog before I publish  it.

I commit myself to live my redefinition of editing.

I commit myself to really investigate that which I resist, so that I may expose whatever ego-driven systems that are severely hindering my process.

I commit myself to be accepting of my initial self-expression, knowing full well that I can revise and change myself accordingly.

I commit myself to breathing more effort into my writing process.

I commit myself to breathing more effort into all processes of self-expression - proactively investigating particular skills, and retrospectively investigating my expression within self-honesty.

Day 402 - The Perfect Writer Complex

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process writing is not acceptable as perfection, and through this allow my inner critic to project a moment of self-judgment into the future - in this not realizing this as the purely self-sabotaging system of mind that this is - and choose to rather not write, so that I may continue to protect the fear that I am not walking my process effectively...and in this, not seeing or realizing how this fear is manifesting itself, nor understanding the impact of this in the bigger picture."

This opened up nicely for me last night. Again, I have access to the iPad tonight, so I'm going to continue with demolishing this particular self-sabotage construct that's been operational for far too long now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed when I sit to write because I don't feel that I will be able to produce writing that I will be proud of, especially in the context of anyone on the Internet being able to read and judge my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my effort in walking my process in writing based on how proud I feel about the end product, and how safe from others' negative judgments it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into fear ridden, conditional writing, where in my key focus is on how others will perceive my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write to unconditionally support myself and others within common sense sharing of my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate the blogging process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cycle and accumulate backchat as fear-based justifications in relation to why I shouldn't write a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, IN MY MIND, create and define a more and more narrow structure for how my writing style and format should be, such that I get less and less confident that I am able to meet my own expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure and compare myself to my expectations of perfection, which are created through the mind projecting an ideal outcome, and then entertaining all the possible negative judgments that could be created about my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to forget how to write comfortably, in an expression that emerges from my presence, my hereness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up and invested in my cycling self-critical thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to have gone on for this long without me realizing the simple solution of applying myself in a single moment.

This self application is a specific process. It's a process that I had clouded from myself through too much thinking. It's a simple process:

When there is a problem, I commit myself to here forward investigate it, ask myself questions, apply self-forgiveness and above all else, embody a solution oriented mindset. It's only when I began judging myself, and then double judging myself because of the problem. From there I would continue to elaborate on the problem, giving myself more and more reasons why I shouldn't write. If something is not working, raise a red flag, handle the issue with full attention and resolve to find the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy with intellect and not realize that further participation in thought is not the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the consequence of entertaining the logic of the mind, which only served to dig my hole deeper, even though I thought I was smart by creating all these sound arguments for why I couldn't write to the level of perfection that would satisfy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evaluate my writing by any standard other than how effective it is in my personal process of supporting myself to move forward and transcend the mind constructs that hold me within a limited version of myself.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the belief to exist within me that if my writing is not of the utmost quality, then I will NOT be supporting myself or others according to the framework of what is BEST for all.

Ahh, I see what I did there. I distorted the phrase "best for all" into a point of self-sabotage wherein if my writing wasn't my best, then best not to write at all... Tricky mind-logic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and justify the pressure to write at my most best, most perfect level of quality in terms of insight, realizations, phrasing, vocabulary, effectiveness, etc. - wherein this measure exists in separation of myself. In other words, I can and should write with my best effort, but here, no comparison exists because there is only myself, united with my best effort, expressing myself authentically. No second guessing and trying to cater my expression to a world wide audience, which in actuality is just a slice of my subconscious at that moment in time; meaning that I will only be catering my writing to subvert the possible judgments of one or a handful of those whom I'm imaging will read my writing.

See how convoluted that is? This is no way to express myself in real time through writing.

I will continue in the next post on a closely related point: the editing process.

Thank you.

Day 401 - Good Fortune Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brag about being in this sleep study to everyone I message on Facebook while using this iPad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become excited about being fortunate and afforded the opportunity to participate in this sleep study, and within this, for accepting and allowing myself to attribute this excitement to my ego in making it personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself hold value in and create value in my circumstances which affect me in a positive way, especially when others do not have the same experience. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thrive within myself in separation as ego when others are or become jealous of me, my situation, or circumstance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and believe myself to be inferior and/or at a disadvantage to others around me, and so make attempts to position myself as superior or special by way of fortunate circumstance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself as life, as my breath, and as my physical body, through which I only yearn for what is best for all, and as such, interact only in ways which are most supportive for each individuals with whom I come in contact.

I commit myself to stop attributing good fortune to myself personally.

I commit myself to stop believing that I am special because of my fortunate experiences.

I commit myself to humble myself when provided for by circumstances within and throughout my life.

I commit myself to accept and allow myself to take full responsibility for the circumstances in my life, which I create through my decisions.

On that note,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that all my circumstances are by way of my decisions, and that this implies that I am never separate from the responsibility of creating my world and the fortunate or unfortunate experiences and circumstances in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the fortunes that I experience in my life - and then use it, as ego, to define myself in separation of others - and from here believing that I am special or greater than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not special or destined for greatness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately poise myself as special and greater than others to try to convince myself and others that I am great and destined for greatness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to compensate my fears by forcing the illusion of the polar opposite within my mind and in my outside world to attempt reaffirm the illusion and self-deception I have within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conceal fear through intensionally creating external consequences for the sole purpose of strengthening the illusion of the opposite of the fear that I've created within and am still holding on to.

When and as I see myself strengthening my stance of ego when interacting with another, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I do this because I am adding a layer of protection to a fear or insecurity that I have been holding onto for most of my life. I commit myself to stop protecting my fears by trying to fight, force, and advocate for the polar opposite of a specific fear in a rash attempt to prove to myself that I am not this fear.

I commit myself to track down the fear that I was trying to dismantle through polarized energy, and open the point up in writing so as not to allow my mind to be the principal director of this fear removal process.

I commit myself to walk the self forgiveness process in writing to delete the power that I have given to a specific fear to the best of my ability at my current perspective in my process.

...damn, and here's the point that's largely held me back from blogging:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process writing is not acceptable as perfection, and through this allow my inner critic to project a moment of self-judgment into the future - in this not realizing this as the purely self-sabotaging system of mind that this is - and choose to rather not write, so that I may continue to protect the fear that I am not walking my process effectively...and in this, not seeing or realizing how this fear is manifesting itself, nor understanding the impact of this in the bigger picture.

It is time.

Day 400 - Self-Leadership in a Relationship, Part 2

The key insight for the success of a relationship:

Reorienting Self to Self

I got stuck in a subtle, long-term possession of sorts. Moving across the country to live with this lady person wasn't the plan. Two weeks later, it was. I prepared to leave my family over the next 5 months, and when the time came, I was in a completely new environment. Granted, I have had a lot of practice with this when in college. Each year I picked a new place to live and embraced the randomness of Craigslist to assign my housemates. Each year, I adapted, and in doing so, I significantly created myself based on who I was living with. My operating philosophy at the time: In order to be successful in the future, I needed to be able to handle myself in any living environment. I saw it as a challenge and a practice in flexibility; however, I didn't realize how much I was compromising myself by creating my character to be at the whim of my world. Perhaps I promoted harmony, but I didn't stand as the director of my reality.

Now, living with my LP, we're committed to becoming the directive principle of our lives in alignment with what is best for all. That's not an overnight process. Closer to 7 years. Walking with another process walker, we are constantly facing our minds, day-in and day-out. It's safe to say that this is far from the easy, go-with-the-flow style of living that I had been operating within most of my life. This has been far more real, far more challenging, and unquestionably more rewarding.

So what is really the difference? How I had learned to live was primarily through self-interest, meaning that I would dynamically alter my expression: thoughts, words & deeds, to get from life that which I wanted. The scope of my consideration was narrowly what I saw would best suit me. I enjoyed laughing and getting along with people, so one of my favorite characters was a humor-oriented personality. There is also a fear energy of not being accepted by others, so I was kind of hitting two birds with one stone. I had no idea how I was using my mind to create these well-adapted characters, nor did I have any idea of the consequences.

Creating harmony-producing characters is simply not working anymore. Those personalities function on a more surface level. My LP and I are committed to going deep, sorting out the false personalities, and getting to know the real Self here. This task is much more involved than creating a temporary personality, and this means it's not going to be all pretty and lovely-dovey all the time. The friction and conflict between us is much like tilling the earth for the next season of growth. This can be most uncomfortable! We're drudging up many of our personal 'truths', the ways which we've accepted and defined the world to be. But Hey, it's a new year, and they say the first year of an agreement relationship is the hardest.

I have already begun to see how we're shifting from 'fighting for our limitations' - which is how we say: fighting to be right or to protect our existing 'knowledge' - and into understanding each other, accepting each other, and moving to firstly change self. Letting go of her in a way, frees me up to focus on myself and my process through the mind. One of the most supportive tools I've been focusing on developing is: Listening. More on that to come.

There are plenty more tools to define and use, and I'll make a more sincere effort to begin sharing them with you here. Writing is so incredibly essential if you want to move forward into/as life. The mind will play games to no end if you let it. The coolest part about being in an agreement is that neither of us will let it happen to either of us. There is no question in my mind whether moving across the country was worth it or not. My life partner and I are going to Garb-Dan the world together :)