Day 107 - Relationship vs. Agreement

I started my morning with a google search: "relationship agreement desteni"

I'm sure I've done this search before, as this point of going into a relationship with a girl always spins my mind, hardcore. Especially in the beginning of all my relationships, my mind would rev up and over think everything until contact. Once there is at least a kiss, I start opening up, but never all the way. I've never let myself be vulnerable enough to give myself fully over to a girl. I had bright plans for future success, and girls only ever slowed me down with requests and feelings. So, my normal pattern in relationship with girls is to over-think the situation within my own self-interest, and then hide those thoughts from myself and her through focusing on the feelings and psychical sensations. I would vaguely justify the secret thoughts within me because I could still get physical and mental attention...vaguely thinking that means success.

When I first found Desteni and started reading about the point of self-honesty and agreements, I was straight scared. I avoided this aspect for a few years, because I wanted to carelessly "chase women" in my final college years. So now that I'm out of college, I've been looking for girl attention through dating sites and whatnot. Well I found a girl I'm pretty attracted to, and not just physically. Well 'bad' news, I can't just go with this like I always have. Falling into a relationship has always ended badly and I've identified the reason as the internal lies & backchat. Not being honest with another starts with self-dishonesty. My relationship to being honest has been pretty solid for awhile, since the spiritual stuff before desteni, I was into enlightenment and becoming pure/honest. So, I've been having trouble relating with girls, because I'm always thrown into a whirlwind of thoughts that I don't have the courage to speak out loud, because a fear of loss or a fear of hurting her.

Now, I have been playing it more slowly, as recommended by fellow destonians, and I am seeing how patience has been working. That google search this morning lead to this article When are you Ready for 'Agreement'? and as my morning reading, I've begun to see the the practical approach to supporting another being and self, within the framework of self-honest support of self and other in walking together in agreements. Good shit.

This post is just a warm up or breaking into of this point of relationships. There's a lot going within this, so I plan to take it slow and not let anything slide by. Self-honesty till I die!

cc

To be continued...

Day 106 - Living in Delay

I sit down, and after a few moments of thinking about what to write today, boom! I went right into delay. Mind races to find any 'good' excuse to get up and walk away from my computer. First idea, smoke a cigarette, second, go to the bathroom, third, finish doing the laundry, and for that I got up. I emptied my clean laundry into a basket brought it half way up the stairs and realized what I've been doing. IT'S THE SAME MODE I'VE BEEN IN THROUGHOUT SCHOOL. Wait until the last minute, because I can and because I can get lots of unrelated work done when I put off the important/primary work. I've had a consistent pattern of using delay as motivation to get other stuff done. Anything that I would deem important was better than facing the work in front of me.

I'm on a delay kick because it's becoming more and more clear with writing about it. I write that my mind makes diversion attempts to avoid the negative experience of doing work, and the next day I catch my mind doing just that! Writing --> Awareness. Cool.

Thanks to Anna for her vlog response to my Day 105, I was able to really get a sense for the community at large who all share this point of procrastination. So, it is my specific experience of this point that I will write about, as my experience is the composition of the pictures in my mind that must be released. I commit to move myself through the correction within the application of my writing. To stay focused and specific is my goal here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of other viable/justifiable options of behavior when I approach the space to do work, not realizing my mind within polarity, labeling work as negative and frantically looking for a positive experience. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I'm precisely doing as covering up the fears* through delay into a positive reward behavior, like getting other work done or playing with friends, etc.

*Fears = fear of not completing my work sufficiently is primary here, which is strange because through this fear, I have aversion to doing work, causing me to produce work that's often less than sufficient. The fear manifests itself through my participation within it... More investigation on this will ensue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and justifications for the activities I choose to do within delaying my primary objective, not realizing that in so doing, I'm compromising myself in being able to work effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my experience of myself working as negative, and in this hiding myself from the enjoyable flow of work that I have also, often experienced.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I just procrastinate my work, I can focus on the enjoyment of my positive distractions, and skip quickly past the misery of rushed work, and then focus on the positive reward of having the work done, not realizing that this whole experience is orchestrated by me as a fear of work being a difficult and negative experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work as a difficult and negative experience within an assumption. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project an assumption of work as a negative experience before I ever even gave myself the chance to approach the work without bias.

Refocusing: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue within a distraction without realizing the importance of applying myself effectively within the work that I am avoiding. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why I am in a state of avoidance with the work I choose to delay with distractions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blur my thoughts/feelings and make a hazy decision to delay my responsibilities.


When and as I see myself making a hasty decision to move into a distraction, I stop I breathe. I realize that this form of self-dishonesty renders me ineffective in accomplishing my daily responsibilities. This is not acceptable.

I commit myself to investigating the negative point within facing my work.

I commit myself to stopping the distraction attempts through realizing what they are, and why they pop into mind.

I commit myself to approaching work without bias through a patient process of investigating the nature of the work that I have a reaction to, so that I no longer support my assumption/projection of negativity onto work that I have not yet done.

I commit myself to stop justifying bullshit. Self-honestly prioritize actions, then act.

I commit myself to examining the energies that might take me out of my mode of effectively addressing the work I have placed in front of me.

Photo credit

Related articles

• Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fire
• Day 104 - Walking through resistance
• Day 103 - Slowing down process

Day 105 - Some cool Self-Forgiveness for the Resistance fire

Hot. The feeling of friction. When my body wants one thing and my mind wants another = resistance. The experience of diminished or faltering will. When my true will is perceived/labeled as a negative experience (i.e. homework), and my short-term, pleasure seeking will takes dominion. I now understand this to be the work of the mind within the framework of polarity. Pos/neg experiences that are only such because of a repeat allowance of my mind telling me "that's the way it is." Why/how? Well, that's what I'm figuring out: The root of all perceptual bias, based in specific past experiences. Taking this for granted, just letting the machine run = unintended consequence. Like procrastination. Without further ado:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define work/homework/writing as a negative and tedious experience that is to be avoided or spent as little time with as I possibly can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a negative experience to the word 'tedious,' and within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself the patience to do what needs to be done according to what's best for myself and others, equally. This means 'pleasure seeking' as self-serving only, has no place other than as a life-distraction for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into seeking pleasure as a habit that is used when avoiding a negative experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that through pleasure seeking, I am existing as a starting point of pain, so in relationship to procrastination, I hide the experience of pain associated with my work as I move toward the positive experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ever wait until the last minute to do work, and in this not seeing that I've short changed myself out of an honest expression of myself within my work. Within the negative association that placed onto work, I suffered unnecessarily through the delay of that pain, trying to make it go away without having to honestly do the work. This is the way of the cheater that takes shortcuts and lies about it to hide the layers of experience created without understanding how or why experiences feel a certain way. I understand that it's all creations of my past, just gotta find where...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to acquire the perception that work is a negative experience from parents/others, and for accepting that perception as valid, and for projecting that experience onto any and all work that wasn't immediately aligned with my self-interests.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to rush through my process and delay facing the resistances, and temporarily hiding them from myself within a positive illusion. I commit myself to patiently walking through and writing down any resistance that gets in my way. I own it, I allow it, I stop it. Simple, the design is simple, yet from the perspective of limitation, the task seems daunting. tedious, hard, impossible, not worth the effort...ya, a limited perspective indeed, clouded by numerous thoughts/feelings/emotions.

Nice artwork by  Kelly Posey

When and as I see myself moving from self-direction into delay as the seeking of positive experience, I stop I breathe. I realize that within this act of procrastination, I've wrongly accused work as such a negative experience (within assumption or future projection) that my mind actively seeks positive experience distractions that do not benefit me within my process of self-realizing all as one. I commit myself to continue facing resistance. I commit myself to stop simply allowing resistance as mind to direct my actions from day to day. I commit myself to digging deeper into resistance, like fear of failure, wasting time, etc. and to patiently persist in facing them and letting them go. I am here. I direct me. Stopping the bullshit takes more courage than I initially estimated, so this is a process of unraveling layers and building momentum within the courage to persist as self-honest.

The mind is to predictable to be fun, "been there done that" sort of thing...until you're jaded.

Join me in the pursuit of doing what's best for ALL always. You owe it to yourself ;)

Day 104 - Walking through resistance

As a continuation from the last two days, this post will serve as somewhat of a turning point for me. This is the first time that I've declined chasing a feel-good distraction before sitting in my bed to write. Having my brother home, means that I need to get fancy with where I set my work space up. So, within all that's transpiring at the moment, when and how I write is becoming a critical point that I am here to write about :)

I must give a shout out for the new Desteni I Process Lite course. I've been giving it a go, so that I could know what it is I'm sharing. To my surprise, I'm receiving a lot of support from it. It's concise and well done from what I can tell so far. The reason I bring this up is that Lesson 1.5 = The Solution to Resistance was the launch (read just prior) of tonight's writing session. The key point of this short lesson, is when writing resistance comes up, just take a big breath, get back into the body, and write about the resistance that just came up. Through this, I can investigate the resistance point THROUGH WRITING, hence breaking the writing resistance, and come back to the original point after the resistance is clear.

cc

Now, the norm for me was and has been for a long time, to procrastinate or delay the writing with some kind of positive reward behavior. So I never investigated how I've attached a negative valence to work/writing. I just simply moved toward the positive, until that was no longer an option. So, my whole life, I've basically been waiting until I had no choice but to do the work, and in this, I had been taking less than 100% ownership of it because I was 'rushed' and 'could have done a better job if I had more time.' BS, I had more than enough time. No more BS = much more work than I had realized; however, the work is not negative from the perspective of doing it because I want to...as authentic expression of myself, for self. If I have to force myself to write every night because of external time pressure, and the pressure to conform to daily writing, I'm not going to be able to ever slow down and write about each point that comes up.

No more trying to rush through points. I can and will simply commit to finishing what I open up, so then it is done and I can move forward with my self-investigation. Thanks for reading. Related and specific Self-Forgiveness statements to come tomorrow.

Related articles

• Day 70 - Resistance to process
• Day 102 - Resistance to the Writing Process
• 187. Personal Diversion Tactics to Procrastinate
• 168. Thoughts as Self-Created Resistance
• The Resistance Before I Write - Postponement Character - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 163
• Physical Behaviours of Postponement Self Correction - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 169
• From a Moment to a Mountain - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 170
• Day 67: Laziness and Procrastination

Day 103 - Slowing down process

It's become apparent through the intensity of my energy fluctuation that I need to slow down. I have getting too far a head of myself (anxiety point) by creating a character that advances quickly through understanding, but lacks the discipline to act accordingly. I'll admit, I was pretty excited to begin my Journey to Life blog...meaning, I've set myself up for the experience of the opposite. And recently, I'm finding it difficult to write for myself or publicly. I've built myself according to some knowledge without a serious application thereof. So the past few days, since I decided to keep a side journal for this blog so that I can keep continuity more easily and bump up the level of seriousness within my participation.

Yesterday, I've identified a single point of fear that contributes to the program of delaying my writing: fear of failure / fear of inadequacy / fear of ineffectiveness. This point is one that I've been hiding from myself, so I couldn't easily realize that I was not self-honest. All the hype about self-honesty, but what does it really mean? It's more clear now. It's a concept of not letting anything slide by the radar. To essentially call myself out on every little detail of my thoughts, flag every thought for investigation, and stop what is detrimental to myself and/or others. Feel-good distractions cover up my fear of inadequately voicing myself, and then I just judge myself as a procrastinator, never really investigating what was going on in specific detail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate a thought/point thoroughly to see how it connects and charges different behaviors. Allowing distractions must end when I establish self-honesty because I won't allow be allowing what obviously doesn't support self and other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I know it all. I forgive me that I've allowed myself to seek no further knowledge when I hold the belief that I already know / can't learn more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inadequate. I forgive myself for believing that I can be more, and hiding the doubt that was existent before the desire to be more. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself missing the point of existing within and as self-doubt, creating a spiral of behavioral outflows that aligned with becoming more, greater, smarter. I forgive my creation, and me for my creation, and my allowance of it as me.


When and as I see myself thinking ahead of myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that to be serious about my life walk, I commit myself to be here, in the written/spoken words of space time with the rest of the physical.

I commit myself to patiently writing, where in I access all relevant points to complete the framework and back-structure of the original  point, letting nothing slide.