Day 366 - Year 2: Adjusting My Starting Point

It's simple to write, and yet there are all these reasons, excuses, and resistances that can come up in the mind. You can probably relate to the inner thought, "I just don't feel like it right now."

I'm coming to realize that we are constantly and continuously creating our reality through these perceptual moments AND I too often seem to be at the whim of my fluctuating feelings and emotions. It's like I could learn a thing or two from my heart: the way it just keeps beating, doing work; not just when it feels like it, but constantly and continuously. Until that moment when it stops, of course. So I look at myself, and I see a person that moves himself rather inconsistently at the moment, and yet the day when I stop completely grows nearer constantly and continuously.

The point: Will I continue to accept and allow myself to be a victim of my own conditioned mind patterns? If I do that, then I'm going to end up with the conventional life that I set out to leave behind when I dedicated my life to understanding. To really understand self, there are some mental phenomena that need to be stopped. It's not cool to sulk within a lethargic energy experience because I've trained myself to rely on internal energy experiences to motivate myself. It's not alright that I am deliberately making multiple decisions from the starting point of serving the mind (seeking positive experience or avoiding negative experience). It's most certainly not groovy to think all that matters in the world is my experience of myself within it.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I get from others.

For too long I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my self-belief based on the feedback I fear I would get from others.

During my first year of Journey to Life blogging, my starting point was based on this socially constructed self-belief. I did realize that I wouldn't have it all perfectly sorted out from the get go, so I allowed myself to go into it with this energy-motivation that specifically fulfilled my ego needs. I enjoyed the recognition and the feeling of writing a good post. I hadn't considered the consequence. Feeling good has to balance out with feeling bad, regardless of how much we try to suppress the bad from our conscious remembrance (this is where self-honesty comes in). I didn't make the connection between that positive feeling reward from writing a good blog post, to the negative emotion of fearing that it wouldn't be a good post.

All the speculation, and worry, and need to be seen as awesome and fear of being judged as not; it's all shit. It's all a product of how I've structured my mind to best suit the idea of myself! This ego. This socially constructed and validated idea of who I am in this reality.

I stop. I breathe.

This is the choice I commit myself to start getting more acquainted with while walking my real-time process. I have spent a long time investigating the Desteni Message, and honestly it did take awhile to sort through it all. But I was already on board with the Oneness idea when I was in my spiritual phase, spending a bunch of money to activate my DNA and become an ascended master to leave my mark in the world. Haha, so it took a few years wrestling with the contradiction of equality before I could no longer remain stubbornly in my pursuit of wanting to become more than others. I saw how I wanted to be better than others because I held a semi-suppressed belief that I was worse than others.

Oneness and Equality: Best for All

Eventually, it just makes absolute sense. When the mentally induced resistance subsides. When the ego-preservation mechanism is trumped by self-honest consideration of the whole picture. When I begin to let go of the belief of who I am that is an externally constructed idea. When I start coming to terms with the fact that I'm not so special. When I start looking at the reality of myself in contrast to the idea of myself. When I put myself in the shoes of another...

I realize I want what is best for all.

The problem is, I've created my mind for 2 decades within the objective parameters of wanting what was best for me. I CONDITIONED MYSELF TO THROW MY NEIGHBOR UNDER THE BUS. In literal terms, I ridicule and judge others to make myself feel superior. All I've ever cared about was me and my success. Sure I wanted to make a positive impact in the world, but I had no concern about a hypocritical means to a glorified end.

Now, I can't sit here in this perceptual reality of self-judgment. I take responsibility for who I was and here is how I'm going to do it: I'm closing the gap between my past self, my present self, and my future self. They are all here, and I take responsibility for directing each aspect through a process of forgiveness and corrective application.

Over the course of this next year:

I commit myself to clearly exemplify my process of writing and self-corrective application.
I commit myself to write more frequently than I have been the past 6 months.
I commit myself to start deciding to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in a mind-created reality.
I commit myself to support what best for myself and others through reformatting my mind and reprogramming it with awareness.
I commit myself to see who I am as one and equal with who I've been and who I want to be.
I commit myself to prioritizing physical actions to create in reality.

AND for the final point of this post:

I commit myself to adjust my application within process to include equal parts of self-forgiveness to corrected application, 1:1, meaning: this game of glorifying self ends here. I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing and writing and writing until I am clear and stable within self-understanding AND practice the correction until my self-change is lasting and real.

Thank you.

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Day 365 - Making it more than what it is

Ahhhhh, this point has been compounding in my psyche for the past year! It's perfectionism. It's a desire to be perceived in a certain light. It's fuel for procrastination even.

I was going to write a Desteni witness statement today and layout the changes that I've seen in myself since I started applying myself in this process. Turns out that I can write A LOT on the topic. The witness statement project was taken on by several others in the group while I was visiting the farm in South Africa. I didn't participate because I didn't feel confident in the actual progress I'd made so far in process.  Today, I am able to share some noticeable points of change, but I want to be clear and concise with it.

For now, I am just going to start with ironing out this relationship I have for making things to be more than what they really are. For the past year, I've made Desteni to be more than what it is. The result of this was unintentionally alienating myself from everyone around me. Foolish mortal! Lol. The fact is, Desteni is just a set of tools that assist in clarifying a tainted perspective, namely writing and self-forgiveness. Making it out to be anything more IS the tainted perspective that made it so much harder to be heard by others (especially those who have perspectives tainted in the other direction!). To neutralize my relationship to Desteni has been a long process, that I'm just now getting a grip on.

Bottom line realizations of the day: I don't have to be perfect. I don't care if others can't yet see the value of applying the Desteni tools. What I care about, is that I'm consistently moving myself. To allow procrastination is simply saying that I believe my mind has more power than my will. And all those little thoughts that say don't try because you will probably fail...I'm so over it.

I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastination because of the relationship I have with actually doing something "difficult" and blowing it out of proportion, so that the risk of failure is too much to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a single outcome, which is how I create a self-movement action to be blown out of proportion, and within that accentuate the fear that paralyzes me while I sit and justify postponement...in many cases, this leads to a missed opportunity which is desirable from that limited, fear-tainted perspective, but looking back at the whole picture in self-honesty, it's much better to stand and face the fear, than to run from fear over and over again.

Herein lies a Destonian key. The principle of accumulation. Start standing up and transcending fears, one by one, and they add up. I have found that when you run away from one fear, you run right into the same fear in a new situation. Oh it is preposterous and shameful in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequence of repeating the same fear experience when I give into that fear.

Examples of fears that I am referencing while I write this. Breaking the ice and talking to girls in grade school. Over and over, same fear, new face. Fear of rejection/ridicule blown out of proportion. So many times I've suppressed my self-expression within this fear. More relevant to today is...actually it's the same fear! With just a different context, I also fear rejection and ridicule of my self-expression through writing. This causes me to resist posting and relates to the perfectionism disease. Through the desire of the perfect outcome, I'm actually trying to control how other's judge me. Ahhhhhh! The limitation I'm placing on myself because of what I think you will think of me! Ahhhh! You think what you will, that's your deal. What I think about me in my writing, my self-expressive moments, the fears that I allow to suppress me to keep me safe from negative judgement is SUPER silly because of the circle. I'm experiencing the fear of the fear that I'm trying to prevent through that fear. This stops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear experiences in an attempt to prevent my fears from manifesting, not realizing that through my relationship and participation within that fear, I am actually setting the stage for that fear to manifest in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inflate the fear of my fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I fear must be prevented at all costs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be defined by self-expression that isn't perfect or socially loved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape and conform my self-expression into and through a narrow set of social rules in hopes to be liked by my peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-worth according to the feedback I get from my peers in how cool they think I am, how much they talk to me and include me with the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in accordance to my inclusion within a group of people.

I forgive myself for making acceptance by a group of others more than what it really is, thus inflating the fear of being excluded.

That's the point. I overvalue what my expression means in the eyes of others. I care to much what they say. I define myself by their judgments. It's not useless information, but to allow fear in here, and then to allow myself to amplify that fear to the point that I massively suppress my self-expression and then end up sabotaging my relationships, manifesting that fear that I feared...this is unacceptable. And for doing this, I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed with the fear of my fears manifesting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself so narrowly as one miss-take.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to blog everyday, for me alone, for me in my process, for actual movement through the layers of tainted-perspective. I'm accumulating a clarity within that I have never known before. To limit this process within a starting point of that same childhood fear of being excluded from the group is negligent self-sabotage. And for that I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my expression in fear of being excluded from the group, from power, not realizing that acting through this fear is the process of manifesting it.

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This post went on longer than I wanted it to, but it's okay. This is for me and for those willing to walk with. The one's that would read 1/6 of the way down and say "this is stupid" are not my problem. I don't know why I have even been trying to remain in their group. Asking the question comes with the answer :)  - the coolest part of process. I wanted to remain in all or as many groups as possible in my quest for more and more power / influence. If you reject/ridicule me, I am less significant in your life, and that hurts my self-definition. Ouch. But the solution here is easy! I see the point, and now all I have to do is let go of that self-definition dynamic. How? Duh.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am is defined by the group of people that accept or reject me. Why did I do this?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to create my reality within and without, but to have instead relied on other to tell me what myself and my reality is.

Shoot. The point within and behind the other point. Okay, quick recap of today's points:

1. Making a desired/feared outcome more than it really is.
2. Fear begetting fear.
3. Trying to control the outcome / other's judgments of me.
4. Self-worth derived from public opinion
5. Yielding to others to create my world and reality.

This has been a cool post for me to see how I went from only looking at the surface point, to doing a self-honest investigation of what fears and beliefs compose that surface point. Digging deeper through self-forgiveness and self introspection. Realizing that this will go even deeper when I investigate the patterns of insecurity in relation to creating reality as an equal participant as anyone here on earth. 

It ain't over until I, as one and equal with the Fat Lady, sing! ;)

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(note: the change in writing voice from the beginning to the end. I went from explaining a point to walking process. check yourself)

Day 364 - Inertia Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly give myself over to the mind in allowing it to direct me throughout my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am being productive by getting my procrastination out of the way first :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain physically inert, as I give my directive principle of my body over to the mind, wherein the mind as me decides to take the easy way and produce nothing of value in the physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain inert for an extended period of time, allowing the mind to drag me deeper and deeper into a reactive psychological state where I only respond to my environment with what is necessary for my survival. In this, I note that my survival also extends to the survival of my ego (what others think of me), though this image maintenance is functioning at a bare minimum, just enough to avoid serious consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the passenger seat in the car that is my life.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to really assert myself, trust myself, be the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear an outcome for which I am responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it best to skate through life, relatively unnoticed, so that I can avoid potential negative judgement from others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to define who I think I am, based on how I think others think of me. Within this, I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself to judge others, and perpetuate this system of separation and judgment within me in multiple ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to how others might judge me by remaining as I am, inert, safe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect inaction to safety within a positive relationship, where I seek safety, and so I seek inaction. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand this design of layered motivation that allows me to hide personality aspects from my perception. This alone is a solid reason to write the mind out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dig deeper into the rut of inaction, feeding the mind, strengthening the mind, giving into it, giving it my power; and for a moment, perceiving myself to be less than the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this feeling of compulsory procrastination (resistance energy) to manifest through my mind and into my daily living without questioning it, or who I am within it.

When and as I see myself sitting around the house and not doing anything productive, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have abdicated my responsibility to direct myself in reality in alignment with what is best. I commit myself to snapping out of it by taking a breath, recognizing the energy for what it is, and asking myself if this is really who I want to be: a slave to the mind.

When and as I see myself arguing for my limitations, I stop I breathe. I ask myself: Who am I deciding to be in this moment? Why? Taking into consideration that the feeling that I have to procrastinate is just a programmed mental reaction that I have accepted and allowed over many years to be my directive principle, is this really what I want to define me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand why delaying my process of standing up and becoming the directive principle of my life is not okay. In the very act of postponement, I give life to the system, I feed that program in the mind, I validate it, I contribute, support and strengthen the feeling/emotion within and behind it. I no longer accept and allow myself to continue to sabotage my process of self-change by giving in to my feeling/emotion reactions of delay.

When and as I see myself resisting the self-directive choice, and would rather prefer to give in to the mind, I stop in that moment, pause, lay down in my bed if that's what it takes, I breathe and stabilize the body by releasing that energy. From within the breath I look at my options. I realize my responsibility to direct the situation. I commit myself to direct myself within a practical consideration of what is best to do for myself and ultimately all. Currently, this mostly consists of walking this process and becoming an effective leader of my own life first. If I can't help me, I won't be any help to others.

When and as I see myself motivated to do what is best, I stop I breathe. I realize that acting within this positive energy of motivation is limited, and for this experience to exist the opposite must also exist, as per the law of polarity. I commit myself to give this motivated energy back to my body, breathe, and direct myself in alignment with the same goal, just without the energy as directive principle, but instead, myself.


Good for now. Reread this tomorrow and check the alignments. Reread this in a week, and write out which alignments didn't stick and why.

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Day 363 - Why did the chicken cross the road?

Some say the motivation was just to get to the other side...and it's funny. It's funny cause it's true. Because, we were expecting something more.

...I just spent a bit of time researching this classic "anti-joke," and I've found some interesting things. Here's the Wikipedia page, if that suits you...Also, here is a segment from an 8 minute video on the subject that interestingly goes into a neurological theory for why one might laugh at an anti-joke.

A realization I just had while looking more into why the chicken crossed the road: I must stay focused to clearly communicate my message, my conclusion, the point I'm trying to make. It's very easy to get off topic when there are so many directions that this could go, but the gift within this is the puzzle of finding the connection to the original point of discussion and articulating it in a way that readily makes sense.

This point of staying focused within the midst of a racing mind is a point that needs to be stabilized if we want to be effective in reality. To flow with the swaying of the mind is easier than disciplining oneself in physical reality context. This is the basis of what makes "ADD" kids less successful than the elite children in the private schools. I'll be using the Chicken to illustrate my concepts here on. You may see yourself as the Chicken.

Now, when Chicken is facing the road in front of him, and his mind is racing about all kinds of things, how is he going to get to the other side? The Chicken may even contemplate the 'how' as well as entertaining several what if's all related to one fear or another. But the question is: Why did the chicken cross the road? So, as the Chicken takes a deep breath and asks himself, Why?, he possess the power to make a choice and follow through. If a car is coming, it's a simple matter of common sense based in physical reality.

So, knowing your 'why' helps to focus. I'm pretty sure that a real life chicken would just operate with a 'why' starting point, and never even create a single thought. No energy is required for the chicken to motivate himself to cross the road.

So why am I crossing this metaphorical road? Let's first define the road. It's hard, difficult, risky, scary, real. On the other side of my road, I will define this as: being aligned with my physical body and all of physical existence through the principle of oneness and equality, unhindered in my expression (thought, word and deed) of what is Best For All in every moment of every breath. In this here 7-year Journey to Life blog, I'm writing about my process of crossing the road. In this process, I must face the road and forgive myself for creating energetic relationships (difficult, risky, scary, etc.) toward the road/process as well as all that constitutes who I have been in my journey before reaching the road. Getting to the other side is going to take some serious, focused introspection. 

If you took the time to check out that video segment I linked to at the beginning of this post, you get a nice visual for how the mind will operate in anticipation to reduce uncertainty. I most definitely am guilty of doing this, and the way I see it in how it breaks down is an ego desire to be right and the polarity fear of not knowing. This one information analysis/projection system of the mind is a major source of anxiety. Add it all up: Desire + Fear + Anxiety = petrified in uncertainty. Welcome to the world of being aware of being mind controlled.

The alternative is to be the Chicken who is so connected to his 'why' of crossing the road, it's clear, it's based in physical reality, that there is no need to think or worry or create projections and anxiety.

With purpose so clear

Focused fully, here

No need for fear

Ass is in gear

Fig. 2 - Ex. Immobilizing thought/desire

Day 362 - What Happened to Daily Writing?!

Slip. Fall.

oops. Now what?

Get back up.


Here, I am standing back up to share my realizations, insights, and process through the mind that's gotten me into this position.

I realize now that I can't walk this physical process in my head. Duh, but why did I think I could? I suppose I forgot the whole physical aspect. My starting point and purpose within writing had become muddled and my foundation of self-support was no longer clear. How? The mind. I took stock in my own thoughts. I casually dismissed writing, as I was "too busy." Right. That's like a level one, primary excuse when giving into resistance energy. As I've now personally seen myself, giving into that resistance energy/feeling produced in the mind is not all it seems to be.

When I move according to the demands of resistance energy, I loose my footing in reality. That's what happened to me, at least in part. My physical foundation from which I am able to direct/lead myself as life into an expression of what's best for all, was a world away. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trusted that I would manifest my dreams sometime in the future while I repeatedly give my self control over to the mind, instead of realizing my responsibility to direct myself within my mind into physical participation.

Okay, now looking at writing, specifically. Why did I forget about the importance of writing in stabilizing myself  in physical reality? For this answer, I have a poem:

I resisted looking at me
Self-honestly
For what I saw
I didn't want to see.

This is unacceptable, and yet I accepted it within a frame of mind that is my own self-interest. It's awkward that my automated self-interest is to protect me from confronting my fears...as if it was really in my interest to suppress them. That's a reality shattering insight. You get to the point where you see you can't trust your own self-interest, and then what? We write.

You don't "need" support, but you kind of do need it. I could have kept 'running my process' in my mind, and not realize how I was running in circles in my mind, believing myself to be busy, while the physical proof thereof was null. These circles, they are time-loops. A concept I deeply enjoy and have yet to fully grasp. By fully grasp, I mean to understand, to see myself within, to recognize in real time -> stop -> breathe -> move myself in the physical reality.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the impact that writing has in physicallizing my inner, and giving me the space-time to see me self-honestly. Within this, I recognize that I am holding myself accountable in the words that I see appear before me by my will. This is self-expression in the physical. This is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts, my mind, and my inner ability to organize my external living. I have seen the power of organization through writing in simple to-do lists, in spreadsheets, mind maps, business plans, cooperative agreements. This is where power is!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can still just do it all in my mind. A blind and ignorant ego doesn't help create a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the nature and design of my time-looping participation in the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify remaining in the mind through "a need to prepare" before I start living / working toward my aspirations. I'll expand on this in upcoming posts.

I forgive myself for justifying a physical movement, in alignment with other stuff I also have to do, that's initially directed by an internal energy of resistance toward writing or any other primary task that brings up resistance. I've been here before, hence the link. And so I wonder: How many time-loops must I make before I stop and change for real? I must decide this for myself through physical action.

Finally, I UNDERSTAND why the chicken crossed the road...

photo credit: wikipedia