Day 405 - Self-Empowerment: Stepping into Manhood

Quick overview of my life: Born in upstate New York, moved to Northern California at age 11, went to college in Southern Californa, lived back at home for a year, went to the Desteni Farm in South Africa and began a committed life partnership.

All of the above happened without much decisive effort by me, except for that last one. I set aside nearly all of my personal dreams and desires to shift onto this life path. You would think that would be a difficult thing to do, and it was! But through some specific support at the farm, I was able to condense that experience into just a couple of days prior to making the decision. It was hectic, but once I saw past my emotional attachments, it was just math. A simple mathematical assessment of what is best for all.

Since that moment, there have been many challenges to say the least. Successful relationships are nothing like what we see on TV. They really are a lot of work! Moving out of my parents home, and out from under their financial support also presented some challenging challenges, to say the least! Now add the basic pressures of a budding entrepreneur. Wham! The trifecta that defined my entry into manhood at age 25.

What is the point of sharing this with you? I didn't know that I would be able to take the steps that I have in the last 2 years. Back then, I could not conceive of giving up my imagined potential futures where I am awesome. Back then, i didn't realize that to begin creating something real, I would have to get grounded and actually do the hard work! No more skating through school life. Mastering the basic responsibilities won't cut it if I want to thrive in the big boys' playground, the adult world, the system.

Can I do it? Will I be able to survive out there in the world? Taking that first step out of the door is the only way to find out! This physical motion is very empowering, and it can't happen without the decision to do it. When shutting down the fears, worry, and concerns, it boils down to that simple decision to take action, and to see it through. Seeing it through merits its own post, and I'll continue with that tomorrow.

So, during the moment of deciding, I didn't have to know everything, and more importantly, I can't know everything. Real world experience is the best way to learn. With the decision to begin unfolding my journey into the unknown, I create the opportunities to learn and grow from real-life experiences. I'll learn as I go, refine and optimize as needed. I'm driving me.

A deep thank you to everyone who has played a part supporting me to get this far! My potential in this life is what it is because of you. Now it's up to me, to attain my highest potential through continuing to make these self-empowering decisions - and see what I'm really made of.

- -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not achieve my dreams and goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail when I go out into the world and begin leading a self-sufficient life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a life of ease, where I wouldn't really have to make any decisions that would lead to a challenging experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paralyzed within fear, and not realize how, in so doing, I am robbing myself of the opportunities to really learn, expand and step into manhood.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to focus on what comes up when I'm faced with these potentially self-empowering decisions, investigate as much as necessary until I am clear within myself, when making the decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making decisions that would force me to leave my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone real-world responsibilities, and try to maintain an easier, more comfortable life without as many pressures and responsibilities.

I commit myself to readily accept responsibilities that are directly related to my success as an individual within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to push myself into my uncomfortable zones to challenge and expand myself.

I commit myself do daily powerthinking sessions, where I will drive clarity into at least one specific point/decision that I am currently investigating.

I commit myself exposing the fear of failure system once and for all, so that I may stop cycling self-limited living.

I commit myself to do the work that must be done to get to where I want to go.

Day 404 - The Nice Smelling Janitor Lady

Heavenly.

This mysterious lady of few words has walked into my hospital room twice now since starting this 14-day iPad study. She silently allows the trash bags and roll of toilet paper in her hands communicate her purpose for entering my suite. Is she attractive? Yes, but I have only seen half of her face at most. She very much keeps to herself as she conducts her business, but when I say "thank you," she does grace me with a soft "your welcome" as she walks out the door.

After she left the room, I sat down to continue my Sudoku puzzle and was blessed with the most intoxicating, delightful scent that has ever entered my nose. I immediately recalled how much I enjoyed it the first time she dropped in for a brief visit. At this point, I was just sitting there smelling the air as much as I could, hoping it would stick around as long as possible. Phase 2: enter mind. I had been swept into a positive reaction that took me out of this world.

My mind fluttered to what I could/should say to her next time she comes. I wanted to compliment her, so I was trying various phrases and expressions in my mind to find what would have the best impact on her. After about 5 minutes of this hypnotically induced mind state, I realized that was in self-interest. for a moment, I tried to distort my intentions to fit the best for all framework with something along the lines of, "your perfume is very nice, but you don't need it because your already very pretty," but I eventually realized that everything I thought about saying to her about her smell was inescapably self-interested. I had gone into a reaction and my starting point was not clear.

I originally just thought I wanted to brighten her day. Then I realized that I wanted to reinforce and support her decision to use this particular perfume. Then I looked at myself, and began to realize what my motivation for saying something to her really was. I wanted to share a positive moment with this stranger to brighten MY day. A few moments later, I dug deeper and found what I really wanted. Gulp. I hesitate to share it with you now. (Oh and by the way, this whole process of moving through these realizations happened on a piece of scratch paper that I had been using to investigate some other points... just to be clear that this unfolding of realizations didn't just happen in the tides of my mind.) What I really wanted, on a deeper level that I couldn't at all see from that initial level of interpretating my motivation, was that I wanted a full look at her face, frontal view. I wanted to collect a picture memory that I could store and use to contribute to the Ideal Girl collage that I've been imprinting into my mind my whole life.

I was shocked. I couldn't believe my own self-honesty! But here I am. Finding this point had such a strong impact on me that I decided to share it here. Now, I'm in a committed relationship, but I have to be honest with myself: All my sex drive programming didn't just disappear! And I've never written about sexual attraction in relation to smell before. It hit me like Wham! So, my pencil hit the paper like Slam! ;)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to rewire my self-interest to fit inside of acceptable "best for all" parameters - and in this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my self-interested starting point was influencing my investigation of what would be best for all in this circumstance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the principle of doing what is best for all as a potential tool for preserving and justifying my self-interested ventures of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed in a positive experience within my mind after smelling this glorious scent.

I forgive myself for not accpeting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand how I am affected by pleasant smells within and through an unnecessary participation in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by this pleasant smell, into a desire reaction, narrowly perceived through my ego's interest, instead of remaining stable within awareness of my breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly continue to go into my mind when a positive experience is involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unwilling to let go of that which I desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is harmless to indulge in a positive experience, and therefore justified, and so NOT flagged for investigation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am helpless when it comes to desires and urges arising out of my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a female possesses one or more traits that I find appealing, shift myself into my mind within a delusional starting-point fantasy of potential sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the breath awareness tool that I can use to ground myself in my body, and support myself to interact with anyone and everyone as equals.

When and as I see or smell a sexy female, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the reaction of going into my mind is not aligned into what is best for all. It is aligned with self-interest and also many variations of fear. I commit myself to using my breath to get into my flesh and bones, and realize that this person is also flesh and bones, no different from me for all intents and purposes.

I commit myself to making a clear and decisive movement within myself to stop myself from going into my mind and automatically shifting my behavior around attractive strangers.

I commit myself to flagging my reactions to attractive strangers for further investigation, so that I may remain stable in similar future interactions.

When and as I see myself trying to mold my self-interest initiatives into a framework of what is best for all, I stop, I breathe. I realize that my starting point is of self-interest, and I must first clear that before I can look objectively at what is best for all.

I commit myself to recognizing and stopping myself when I see myself TRYING use the best for all equation to preserve and hold onto my self interest.

When and as I see myself trying to preserve my self interests through mental gymnastics, I stop, I breathe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my self-interests. I realize that these narrow-view initiatives are not creating what is best for all, and I can no longer trust that my mind knows what I really want. I understand that I must stop and remove my impulsive, fear/desire constructs, to consider the bigger picture BEFORE I can act in the interest of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself moving into a desire for a positive experience, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this shift into the mind is limiting my perspective and ultimately my power to create what is best for all. I commit myself to constantly recognizing my responsibility to embody my potential and do what is best for all life, to the best of my capacity.

When and as I see myself floating off into my mind in a social situation, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back to the present moment that I'm presently sharing with one or more other individuals. I commit myself to remaining here in all of my social interactions, treating others as I would treat myself, with respect, with dignity. Treating others as the flesh and bones that I am too.

When and as weak points in my sexuality programming present themselves, I commit myself to first breathe, and then investigate the self-honesty of what is going on here, on paper, so that I may support myself to remove myself from the automated programming of my mind, and create myself in alignment with physicality, and the ultimate desire of physicality: Doing what is best for self, as all life.

Day 403 - Editing and Effort

“Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret.”

- Matthew Arnold

In the book called “300 Days of Better Writing” by David Bowman, the author claims this to be likely his favorite quote on the subject of writing. When I was a child, I asked myself what I wanted most, and the answer stuck with me ever since: To understand, and be understood.

Communication is simply the sending and receiving of messages. The written word is a popular and important medium through which communication happens. I have spent several years studying the subject of communication and thus have developed a lot of undstanding and awareness in the field. As a side effect, I've also developed an unhealthy habit of scrutinizing my writing, before I write.

I began removing this form of "writer's block" with self-forgiveness in yesterday's post. Sitting there judging everything I'm about to write before I write can be daunting and often unproductive, and yet, I still want to articulate the concepts I have swirling around in my head in a way that resonates with you, the reader. To accomplish this, I have to put in the effort to improve my writing skills and refine my first drafts when and as needed.

Editing, for me, has been the crucial missing piece. It is the most resisted part of my writing process. For example, I loved procrastinating school papers until the last minute so that I could force myself to have to submit what was essentially my first draft. Looking at it now - it's like I couldn't bare the fact that my writing didn't come out of me perfectly on the first try. And now, i often post blogs without reading what i have written.

So, in light of The Perfect Writer Complex post that I wrote last night, I'm not just going to get sloppy with my writing because I've letting go of this need to produce masterpieces. On the contrary, I'm going to put in more effort to write masterfully.

This is a great example of where self-forgiveness can seem to be a contradiction. Especially in the beginning of my process, I struggled with doing self-forgiveness on positive things. Like girls and music. I loved those things, and to do self-forgiveness on my desire for women and on how good music made me feel seemed absurd. I don't want to stop these things, let alone do I believe them to be wrong...and here's where the erroneous contadiction stems, from this right-wrong polarity construct. How I write, isn't right or wrong. It's more about what I bring to the table.

The key distinguishing factor is how much effort I'm putting forth. To sit and judge my writing before and during the process is the easy way, the mind way. To gather my thoughts, outline, research, draft, and edit - that takes a lot of effort. It's hard work investing the time and effort into the before and after of writing, the preparation and revision processes, but it's a worthy investment. I've been doing the opposite, putting in all my effort, time, and energy into my mind as my inner critic, during the most crucial moment of self-expression. So, I'll further clarify the distinguishing factor to be: How much PHYSICAL effort am I putting forth? Before, during, and after.

Enough rhetoric.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist re-reading and editing my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire my writing to be perfect on the first try, and so resist going back through my writing because my ego might take a hit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with myself when I re-read what I have written and see that it requires a lot of attention and revisions.

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to become frustrated when I'm editing my work because I believe that "no matter how much I change it, it will never be perfect."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat, "...it will never be perfect."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect "...it will never be perfect," with the feeling of overwhelming frustration - and in this experience a defeatedness and desire to give up trying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move in the direction of giving up trying when and as I see that my writing requires multiple revisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that it is okay to write a sloppy first draft.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just write and express myself in a natural flow of imperfection, while having full intent to go back through my writing to edit mistakes and refine for enhanced clarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about making mistakes and errors while I'm writing my first draft.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not communicating myself clearly on the first try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself resist and resent the editing process, instead of defining it as a perfectly acceptable component of the writing process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid if and when I do not communicate myself clearly on the first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inauthentic when I do not express myself effectively on the first try.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist editing because I've defined it to be a separate and optional part of the writing process that requires additional work and time to do.

Redefinition for editing: double checking my work to ensure accuracy when transferring my expression into the written word; a necessary component of the writing process.

I commit myself to re-read every post to this blog before I publish  it.

I commit myself to live my redefinition of editing.

I commit myself to really investigate that which I resist, so that I may expose whatever ego-driven systems that are severely hindering my process.

I commit myself to be accepting of my initial self-expression, knowing full well that I can revise and change myself accordingly.

I commit myself to breathing more effort into my writing process.

I commit myself to breathing more effort into all processes of self-expression - proactively investigating particular skills, and retrospectively investigating my expression within self-honesty.

Day 402 - The Perfect Writer Complex

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process writing is not acceptable as perfection, and through this allow my inner critic to project a moment of self-judgment into the future - in this not realizing this as the purely self-sabotaging system of mind that this is - and choose to rather not write, so that I may continue to protect the fear that I am not walking my process effectively...and in this, not seeing or realizing how this fear is manifesting itself, nor understanding the impact of this in the bigger picture."

This opened up nicely for me last night. Again, I have access to the iPad tonight, so I'm going to continue with demolishing this particular self-sabotage construct that's been operational for far too long now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed when I sit to write because I don't feel that I will be able to produce writing that I will be proud of, especially in the context of anyone on the Internet being able to read and judge my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my effort in walking my process in writing based on how proud I feel about the end product, and how safe from others' negative judgments it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into fear ridden, conditional writing, where in my key focus is on how others will perceive my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write to unconditionally support myself and others within common sense sharing of my writing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate the blogging process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cycle and accumulate backchat as fear-based justifications in relation to why I shouldn't write a blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, IN MY MIND, create and define a more and more narrow structure for how my writing style and format should be, such that I get less and less confident that I am able to meet my own expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure and compare myself to my expectations of perfection, which are created through the mind projecting an ideal outcome, and then entertaining all the possible negative judgments that could be created about my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to forget how to write comfortably, in an expression that emerges from my presence, my hereness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up and invested in my cycling self-critical thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this to have gone on for this long without me realizing the simple solution of applying myself in a single moment.

This self application is a specific process. It's a process that I had clouded from myself through too much thinking. It's a simple process:

When there is a problem, I commit myself to here forward investigate it, ask myself questions, apply self-forgiveness and above all else, embody a solution oriented mindset. It's only when I began judging myself, and then double judging myself because of the problem. From there I would continue to elaborate on the problem, giving myself more and more reasons why I shouldn't write. If something is not working, raise a red flag, handle the issue with full attention and resolve to find the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy with intellect and not realize that further participation in thought is not the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the consequence of entertaining the logic of the mind, which only served to dig my hole deeper, even though I thought I was smart by creating all these sound arguments for why I couldn't write to the level of perfection that would satisfy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to evaluate my writing by any standard other than how effective it is in my personal process of supporting myself to move forward and transcend the mind constructs that hold me within a limited version of myself.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the belief to exist within me that if my writing is not of the utmost quality, then I will NOT be supporting myself or others according to the framework of what is BEST for all.

Ahh, I see what I did there. I distorted the phrase "best for all" into a point of self-sabotage wherein if my writing wasn't my best, then best not to write at all... Tricky mind-logic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and justify the pressure to write at my most best, most perfect level of quality in terms of insight, realizations, phrasing, vocabulary, effectiveness, etc. - wherein this measure exists in separation of myself. In other words, I can and should write with my best effort, but here, no comparison exists because there is only myself, united with my best effort, expressing myself authentically. No second guessing and trying to cater my expression to a world wide audience, which in actuality is just a slice of my subconscious at that moment in time; meaning that I will only be catering my writing to subvert the possible judgments of one or a handful of those whom I'm imaging will read my writing.

See how convoluted that is? This is no way to express myself in real time through writing.

I will continue in the next post on a closely related point: the editing process.

Thank you.

Day 401 - Good Fortune Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brag about being in this sleep study to everyone I message on Facebook while using this iPad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become excited about being fortunate and afforded the opportunity to participate in this sleep study, and within this, for accepting and allowing myself to attribute this excitement to my ego in making it personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself hold value in and create value in my circumstances which affect me in a positive way, especially when others do not have the same experience. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thrive within myself in separation as ego when others are or become jealous of me, my situation, or circumstance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and believe myself to be inferior and/or at a disadvantage to others around me, and so make attempts to position myself as superior or special by way of fortunate circumstance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about myself as life, as my breath, and as my physical body, through which I only yearn for what is best for all, and as such, interact only in ways which are most supportive for each individuals with whom I come in contact.

I commit myself to stop attributing good fortune to myself personally.

I commit myself to stop believing that I am special because of my fortunate experiences.

I commit myself to humble myself when provided for by circumstances within and throughout my life.

I commit myself to accept and allow myself to take full responsibility for the circumstances in my life, which I create through my decisions.

On that note,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that all my circumstances are by way of my decisions, and that this implies that I am never separate from the responsibility of creating my world and the fortunate or unfortunate experiences and circumstances in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the fortunes that I experience in my life - and then use it, as ego, to define myself in separation of others - and from here believing that I am special or greater than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not special or destined for greatness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately poise myself as special and greater than others to try to convince myself and others that I am great and destined for greatness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to compensate my fears by forcing the illusion of the polar opposite within my mind and in my outside world to attempt reaffirm the illusion and self-deception I have within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conceal fear through intensionally creating external consequences for the sole purpose of strengthening the illusion of the opposite of the fear that I've created within and am still holding on to.

When and as I see myself strengthening my stance of ego when interacting with another, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I do this because I am adding a layer of protection to a fear or insecurity that I have been holding onto for most of my life. I commit myself to stop protecting my fears by trying to fight, force, and advocate for the polar opposite of a specific fear in a rash attempt to prove to myself that I am not this fear.

I commit myself to track down the fear that I was trying to dismantle through polarized energy, and open the point up in writing so as not to allow my mind to be the principal director of this fear removal process.

I commit myself to walk the self forgiveness process in writing to delete the power that I have given to a specific fear to the best of my ability at my current perspective in my process.

...damn, and here's the point that's largely held me back from blogging:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process writing is not acceptable as perfection, and through this allow my inner critic to project a moment of self-judgment into the future - in this not realizing this as the purely self-sabotaging system of mind that this is - and choose to rather not write, so that I may continue to protect the fear that I am not walking my process effectively...and in this, not seeing or realizing how this fear is manifesting itself, nor understanding the impact of this in the bigger picture.

It is time.