Day 262 - DIP Lite Spot: Am I Special or Am I Not

I'd like to start off by sharing how great my experience with DIP Lite has been. I starting walking it along side the regular Desteni I Process and find it to be a awesome source of additional support. No matter what you're doing or where you're at in your life, I wholeheartedly recommend this free online course to learn about effective self-support through writing.

After my blog post yesterday (Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?), I continued to expand on the fear of failure point within DIP Lite because my writing prompt tied in so nicely. Below, I've included a screen shot of what it's like to be on the inside of one of the modules. (Step 2 does not ask to place SF and commitment statements, I just felt like doing it) Click the image to go to the main webpage for the course!

In my life, I've noticed that the inferiority fear was the primary point that I reacted to in an interpersonal interaction. I've found that my desire to be more/greater was like a blinding self-interest, and I was simply not very considerate of others. In fact, for most of my life I've only cared about others as far as it involved me. If I didn't see the benefit to self, then I wouldn't really care. I was an asshole at times for certain.

It's interesting how this egocentrism has its root in being afraid of being less, unimportant, insignificant. Within upholding this self definition of being special, there is a desire to want to progress really fast. I even put on my resume "fast learner" haha. Identifying as a fast learner kind of implies that I am smart, better, more able than the average learner. Letting this self-belief go unchecked has more consequences than one would casually consider. I'll expand more on this fast learner character tomorrow.
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider what directly affects me and solely benefits me in self-interest when interacting with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I've sabotaged many relationships by considering only myself within the belief that "I am special and matter more than others."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is difficult to be one and equal with everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can learn how to act in alignment with oneness and equality faster than others, not realizing that I want to maintain superiority within myself.

When and as I see myself within a "I am special" state of ego where my equal and one consideration for others is nonexistent, I stop I breathe. I realize how I am abusing my relationships with others to suit my positive self-image. I commit myself to flag point the times when I come off as rude, harsh, or just plain inconsiderate toward others to stop, breathe and check who I am in relation to another.

When and as I myself complacently being mean to degrading toward others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am within a state of negativity that I do not even realize, and that breathing application is essential to bring myself back into a stable, considerate self. I commit myself to no longer allow myself to just go with it after I realize my superiority complex at play. I commit myself to change who I am in relation to another even if it might seem weird that I change my character mid-interaction with another.

When and as I myself justifying my superiority/specialness character with "ahh, it's too hard to change and humble myself," I stop I breathe. I realize it's as simple as that.  I commit myself to flagpoint every moment I tell myself that I can't change, step down, humble myself for any reason (I.e. embarrassment, shame, anything that could deteriorate my reputation and specialness), so that I may investigate where I am still holding onto a pattern of personality that is strictly self-interested.

When and as I see myself attempting to hold onto superiority through being special, I stop I breathe. I realize that there is nothing wrong with having a superior skill set, but if I subscribe to the illusion that I am superior in ways that are not valid, that's not chill. I commit myself to educating myself in reality and stop thinking that I know everything already. BS. Will continue with this point tomorrow.

Thanks for reading :)

Day 261 - Why wouldn't I break through the wall?

Continuing from yesterday: Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

I've been writing a bit about this on the side, and I realize that there is a lot that goes into this force that the wall represents. Even inherently in the example, there is separation between myself and the wall.

Today's post is primarily about where I've found the illusion of separation playing out within my mind, as me in relation to overcoming a challenge, breaking through the wall, the resistance. For the longest time, I've been operating with the thought that I am special..and what are the consequences of that?

• I require to uphold a positive reputation in alignment with that
• I need other's to reflect that I am special
• When that doesn't happen, I am living & breathing my fear of failure/inferiority

Art by Kelly Posey

This thought is a killer. It kills my life, haha. It's not cool, and I commit myself to decomposing this system design. I realize that this will not happen fast. I realize that if this one particular system is allowed to exist within me, I will realize the consequence as a first hand experience of failure, failure to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think so highly of myself that if I were to fail, I would be ashamed and embarrassed, not able to recover, loss of self-definitions as "smart/cool/superior/able."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've separated myself within and as my ego, an imagined self that is shiny and perfect. This here is an essentially key. I hold myself as something superior within me. I've created this personality of striving to be that because I FEAR THAT I AM NOT.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be great, wonderful, spectacular; not realizing that for this desire to exist, I embody the lack of these qualities. This system feeds into all of my interpersonal relationships where I am attracted to those that poses those qualities, so that I may learn them myself. In this, I now realize that by doing so, I am placing myself as inferior.

This is interesting. So, I could go my whole life climbing this ladder of power/coolness, all with the starting point of fearing what's inside me - this fear that I am less, I am inadequate. And heck, I could probably do a good job, I've been pretty successful with the personalities I've created for myself. It's like a suit for social situations. Only sometimes I hear myself thinking that "I can't do it" that I'm unable or not worthy. I have a little theory that the most successful people in the world are the most dishonest with themselves. That was my destiny. That was my version of success. That is how I learned to play the game of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make life into a game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to move fast through process because I am special and able and I want to prove that to everyone, not realizing how I am compromising myself by separating myself from physical reality through/within my idealized ego representation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am my ego. And in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my inner self-image through facing the reality of myself which is often in alignment with the contrary. I live in fear. I am motivated by fear to show myself that I am not what I fear.

When and as I see myself motivated by fear to live out a scenario that is in opposition to that fear so that I can prove to myself that I am not this fear, I stop...I breathe. I realize that this inner struggle to trump my fear by acting in opposition to it, is the wall living it's purpose. My barriers are born of this internal battle. This friction is the composition of the wall in may cases.

I commit myself to stop making life a game where I require to overcome fear of failure by force and through dependency of my self-definition being my ego - the externalized self, based on how I perceive others to perceive me.

When I stop trying to uphold a tailored self-image of success, I give myself the space to work with the fear, forgive the fear, let it go, and create a self that is a living expression of success within and without, one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my inner reality of fear of failure/inadequacy is my reality and thus brought to life. As within - so without.

I commit myself to, at the end of the day, begin a process of taking a look at who I have been within myself during the events of the day. This reflection will serve to bring awareness to where I still allow my personalities to take the wheel because of a fear that I am still attached to.

And I let the writing flow. Self-honesty in every breath, here I come.

Day 260 - Breaking through the Wall

This is going to be a free flow writing to bring in more perspective on this wall of resistance. I have begun to solidify my realization that I do not require to let the feeling and emotions control me (Day 253 - Post Breaking Point). Even as I sit and write this entry several hours earlier than usual, the experience of distraction tendency/energy is all over the place.

I sit to write and BAM, I hit the resistance wall. Now, through all of my writing, as I described on Day 253, I am becoming able to direct myself instead of simply reacting. In most, if not all, of my prior experiences of hitting this wall, I would let the wall knock me on my ass.

I would suppress the fact that I need to get through the wall. I would distract myself with an array of alternative activities from media to food, even exercise. I try to ignore the wall, divert my attention, and ideally, still remain productive, taking on other mini-walls or whatever.

The only time I would put in the effort to overcome the wall was if I justified it with a need to do so. Usually this was time. "If I don't do it now, I'm screwed." And this life methodology was way more consequential than I ever realized. I created survival situations to motivate myself. Compounding laziness.

As I wrote about yesterday, all I cared about was moving fast. Instead of realizing who I am in relation to the wall and to breaking through the wall, I suppressed that and started running along the wall, hurdling the easy stuff (secondary tasks) until I was forced to face the wall.

Solution:  Examine my relationship to the wall.

For example:
What do I believe the wall is made of? A powerful energy
Who will I be on the other side? Unburdened 
Who am I by remaining within the current relationship with the wall? Weak
What does that say about me? Submitting to a force
Is the wall really more powerful than I? No, because I am able.
Did I create the wall somewhere along the way? Yes, because it's an internal relationship
What will it take to get through it? Perseverance
What will it take to completely remove the wall? ...

The wall is a residual energy of resistance. When I am forced to overcome the wall via some external force, the wall has won. The purpose of the wall is to delay me. So every subsequent wall of resistance is the same wall, the same internal relationship with procrastination. The only way to permanently remove the wall is by releasing my definition of it, as that which holds it in place and substantiates it.

This is interesting. It's time to get walking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the wall is a greater force, and not realize myself as the creator of the wall, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the wall, not realizing what this suppression means as a completion of the cycle and purpose of the wall (aka. the wall wins)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak/unable in relation to the wall and the resistance energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather suppress who I am in relation to the wall than to stand and disintegrate the wall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can disintegrate the wall by removing the self-defined relationships that substantiate it.

When and as I see myself facing the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize what this wall is. It is a residual energetic programming that I created over time so that I could remain in a positive (easy) experience of myself. I commit myself to exposing the underlying dynamics of my relationship to this wall of resistance.

When and as I see myself within a feeling of "not wanting to do this right now," while scanning for distractions, I stop I breathe. I realize this moment is the breaking point. I commit myself to showing the wall what I'm made of. I am physical substance. The energy cannot and will not direct me without my acceptance and allowance. In this process, I become aware of how energy typically moves me, I forgive myself for allowing it to, and I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality.

When I say I commit myself to the application of oneness and equality, I mean I am not longer going to just allow my wall to stand as a more powerful energy. I am the wall. I am the consequences of the wall. Will I continue to accept myself as this, or will I assert myself as equal and one with the physical reality that is here as me?

When and as I see myself trying to suppress the wall and divert my attention to other 'worthy' tasks/activities, I stop I breathe. I realize that the wall isn't going to go away if I keep feeding into it like this. I commit myself to breathe and move, as I did today when sitting down to write my blog before the time pressure forced me to do so. As I breathe and move, I am realigning myself as the authority of the physical to build an existence that is best for all.

When and as I see myself sitting down next to the wall, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am not moving to get through the wall because the wall of energy manifested an excuse or justification within me to not try. I commit myself to patiently removing the wall brick by brick, pattern by pattern, until it is done.

photo credit

Related articles

• Day 228 - Becoming Consistent with Focus
• Day 241 - The Path of Least Resistance
• Day 249 - Getting Grounded in the Physical
• Day 250 - Dangerous Desire
• Day 252 - Where Rubber Hits the Road

Day 259 - The Longer Shortcut

Problem:

It amazes me how much I can do during a day and still not get around to the things I really wanted to do. This is the result of a particular type of laziness where I allow myself to justify delaying my original tasks because the secondary tasks are productive. Hence, I feel temporarily productive, on track, getting ahead on other responsibilities. So, there's a false sense of moving faster by moving quickly, YET chaotically. This is a 'slow and steady wins the race' kind of deal.

Typical run of the program looks like: Intention set -> excuse to not do it right now, which is a multitude of vaguely justifiable activities. This procrastination system is deep rooted, and I've dug in to it a bit here and there since Day 2 - Procrastinating on Purpose. I've accumulated enough moments of procrastination and build a solid laziness character. Is this who I want to be? A being bogged down by a residual energetic enslavement? I can't allow this anymore.

Solution:

I realize that I do not have to allow the energy/feeling of laziness be my directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continually submit to the energetic movements of resistance and lethargy that pop up within me when faced with working on my primary responsibilities that I have set for myself.

The only way I'm going to stop this pattern is by stopping it myself. Waiting, hoping, wishing, wanting haven't amounted to much. I realize that I must stand strong and breathe through the moment of desire to divert from my work. When and as I see justifications come up, I stop I breathe. I consider the point in a practical, level-headed manor so that I do not sabotage myself with simply wanting to remain in the positive energy.

I commit myself to write down the tasks/points that need to be directed after I am done walking the current point. Within this, I commit myself to stop myself from walking down a windy road unnecessarily. A to B, point to point.

Reward:

Developing the skill of self-direction will serve me for all of my years to come. A stability will be my starting point when facing any "difficult" situation. The reactions no longer dictate who I am in relation to...'my hot buttons.'  Riding the breath, not the energy.

There will be time saved as I become more focused and able to organize tasks. Within this I'll be more able to clearly see when a secondary task has merit or if it's more a method of escaping the primary task.

Ability to take on more responsibility when I stop cycling between, 'having the time to waste' and playing catch-up.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cycle between having time to kill and barely having enough time to finish my primary responsibility of the day, not realizing that I have bought into my own excuses and justifications to ride within positive energy movements without any regard or consideration for the actual consequences.

When and as I see myself moving within a justification that supports delay, I stop I breathe. I realize that just because I'm doing work, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm being productive. I commit myself to breathe and consider the my work situation in common sense, write if it seems too much, and move myself within a directive principle that supports what's best for me and ultimately all as one and equal with me.

This blog is my birthing grounds. Thanks for reading.

photo credit

Day 258 - How can I make a Commitment more Real? Part 5

TO SELF, FOR SELF

There is a noticeable distinction between just typing a bunch of commitments because I need to get my blog finished by midnight vs. speaking commitments aloud, on my own time, for myself.

This brings up an interesting point: I've set a goal to write everyday and I've externalized this by placing a time for which I may allow myself to procrastinate until. Interesting how I have ingrained procrastination into my work ethic (stay tuned for blogs to come).

Speaking and actually meaning a commitment within a self-honest starting point, is vastly different, and I now realize how under-practiced I am at this. In a recent blog (Day 255), I committed to breathing before I write each commitment statement and made a note at how different that is than just streaming commitment sentences like a typing machine. I'm reiterating this point. I had a doubt that I would remember to do that, and today, I not only remember that commitment, I'm putting my foot down and solidifying this

I commit myself to realize who I am here in a single breath, with my attention on all that is here of me, when and as I make a commitment to myself.
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Something else that just came up is how I've not been thoroughly considering what' going on inside of me. Like, I can't just go and commit to always living in alignment with what's best for all, when I haven't even given myself the chance to understand the conflicting forces that are at work.

(Breathing)
I commit myself to being patient with myself to understand what is at play inside of me. What is making a commitment challenging? Where am I, when I am not able to be consistent within a commitment? These sorts of things require attention before I go willy-nilly with commitment statements.

I commit myself to stop dishing out self-commitments like they're going out of style. This is me I'm talking about. Why shortcut myself? Investigate that DAN!!

I commit myself to becoming the director of my writing and my voice.

I commit myself to begin verbalizing, sounding my commitments and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself rushing through this process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am doing myself a disservice by delaying/short-cutting within my JTL efforts. I commit myself to giving myself the time to really investigate all dimensions of each and every point.

This will take time. I commit myself to walking process. I leave you with a quote:

"Failure is delay, but not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead-end street."
- William Arthur Ward

photo source unknown