Day 284 - Party vs Blog

Today is the 'Cinco de mayo' excuse to party in the college scene. There are a plethora of sombreros and fake mustaches flying around the crowd. Here I am, thinking I should have........8 minutes of heavy dancing later...should have written earlier, knowing full well that I would be faced with this conflict of self-support vs socialization. It's a point of self-honest responsibility. Reminds me of my Day 54 - Other Distraction where I briefly discussed this dynamic of placing social time as a higher priority than time with and for myself.

Halloween 2010         - picture credit

It was effective to some degree because here I am. Thankfully, I can get away with missing the 'getting drunk' phase and join the group momentarily because I've practiced the art of sober partying since Fall of my senior year. The point of treating others in the social scene as a higher priority than myself is a huge point that is still rooted within me. On the cool side, here I am, pushing myself to be responsible to myself within process even in the moment when the music gets shut off and everyone is moving to the next party. It's intriguing how I want to be out there with everyone on my vacation, but I didn't consider this moment when I was delaying my writing earlier in the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait to blog without considering the potential of the situation I was in now. In this, I was vaguely holding the potential of just skipping my blog post today, but when the moment came, I chose to stay back and finish my responsibility. Why? I am on a streak in terms of not missing any days....that's the first reason to mind and I don't like it. I really do want to simply write as a method of effective self support, and when I am rushed like I am now, I could very easily just be pumping out the bear minimum 'to just get by.' In fact, I am doing that to some degree.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in a position where I am rushed to pump out a blog post that isn't my best material, in terms of self-support. I realize that I started out very oriented to how I perceived others would judge my writing, but even as I write this sentence, I wonder how useful all of this post so far has been really supportive. Next moment, I feel that by writing/revealing that, seems very self honest and thus ultimately self-supportive as I imagine looking back to this post as I did for Day 54. It really does all build together. The important part is that I DO write. Also being mindful of who I am within my writing is essential if I am aiming to support myself in realizing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay asserting myself within myself, for myself, in finding/realizing what it requires to be balanced and effective with regards to self-support and social life. I realize that social life is equally as one important as my self-support, thus by delaying my self-supportive writing, I have compromised my social life. Through realizing this, and accepting my responsibility within it all, I sit and I write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself for making the choices that lead me to this moment by not really, and I mean really, considering how the practical consequences would likely be. It's obvious that I would find myself here, or out sober partying while worrying if I would be back before midnight with enough time to pump out a cheap blog. Within all of this, I realize that delay does not frickin serve me at all. I feel like a little baby-man, whining inside myself....only to ultimately find myself stuck with myself, alone. Very eye opening.

When and as I see myself delaying responsibility to support myself within process, I stop I breathe. I realize that I am making a choice, I am making a statement of who I am. I commit myself to that understanding of who I am within a choice of delay and what the consequences of doing so are. To hide the consequences from myself is the dishonesty, is the core problem here, is how I've been letting myself get into these situations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the consequences of inaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been hiding and/or quickly suppressing what the consequences are in the critical moment. This moment is where the only real choice exists: To be or not to be....Self-Honest....that is the question.

I commit myself to to continue this writing process to build awareness of myself within this critical, self defining moment. Thank you.

Day 283 - Positive Association Self-Forgiveness

Firstly, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to write a blog post from my phone through the belief that it won't be as good (blame) and/or it will be too hard to do (resistance/fear of failure).

I realize that it is my responsibility to create effective self-support through writing in whatever medium that I choose.
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I have been reluctant to walk the positive associations through the self-forgiveness process of releasing attachment. Since I started working with SF, I found it much more natural to forgive myself for the aspects of myself that I don't like. I kind of figured that I would one day get around to hitting the positive points, but now that I am aware of the nature of waiting/hoping and attaching responsibility of self-change onto a time, separate of self, I understand that only I can create myself in the moment that is here. Thus, to be aware of how I am creating my reality in each moment is a significant point to begin considering more closely. One of the reasons I haven't been wanting to face the positive points is not understanding the consequences of creating and amplifying positive experiences within the design of polarity of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to amplify and play into the positive experiences that I create in relation to specific physical events without understanding the relevant relationships I've built inside myself in my past that have predetermined my reactive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to operate within positive feeling reactions to my environment without being aware of why or how.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write about my positively defined relationships/reactions and validate this inaction because I do not understand the polarity consequences of separating myself from reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my physical hereness and my breath because I prefer to exist within a positively charged inner reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can win at life by amplifying the positive experiences and suppressing the negative ones.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue chasing positivity and not realize that my starting point within reality is negatively charged, hence the desire for a positive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize or investigate my state of negativity that is existent before I pursue a positive experience.
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This post initiated from reflecting on how I screamed to the ocean, "I LOVE YOU OCEAN!!!" I really enjoy myself I'm the ocean, but I can see that there is an energetic movement within me that is related to my amplified affinity toward the ocean. I commit myself to start seriously considering my positive attachments and the internal energetic constructs behind them.

When and as I see myself within a positive experience, I take a moment to remember my breathing. I realize that getting lost in these energetic experiences is a mental state that doesn't last. I commit myself to investigating the polarity dynamic of mentally augmented experience creation.

When and as I see myself desiring a positive internal experience, I stop I breathe. I realize I am operating within a negative experience of myself without being aware of it. I commit myself to inquiring within, the nature of who I am during and just before the desire for a positive experience.

When and as I see myself amplifying my experience within myself, I stop I breathe. I realize that an amplified experience within myself is created in separation of myself here. I commit myself to continue stopping the fear of releasing my positive experience creations, breathe, and simply enjoy myself in a moment, no longer dragging it out and/or flaunting my enjoyment for others to be jealous (ego related).

...many positive posts to come, positively!

Day 282 - Self-Judgement Quicksand

While driving the 6 hour trip down to Santa Barbara, CA for a final visit before my remaining friends graduate, I listened to several EQAFE interviews. This one called Omnipresence of Self Judgement really stood out in terms of the descriptive visuals of the experience and dynamics of self-judgement.

In my own language, I conceptualize the judgements of myself feeling like quicksand. At first I wanted to say 'like cement,' but that word implies more of a hopelessness. Specifically, this comes up for me in the moment before I might assert myself socially or professionally. Instead of taking a breath and just speaking what I want to say, I find myself sinking backward into the center of the quicksand of my mind. The more I fight with myself in my mind, the fast I build up the resistance energy into a complete unlikelihood of speaking up.

cc

Even asking for assistance, sometimes I'll get choked up within the same way. Quicksand is deadly! And self-judgement has been deadly in my social/professional life. This is not acceptable. Today marks the beginning of a new awareness venture: How do I judge myself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to freeze up in a moment of interpersonal interaction and continue within my mind domain through various negative backchat related to how or why I shouldn't assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate my relationship to my mind and internal reactions when I experience a fear of speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own inner dialogue instead of participating in reality in being here with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wander into potentialities that I create in my mind and not realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fail if I am to assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure in such a way that it feels like it would be the end of me if that failure were to happen. Within this there is a fear of embarrassment that comes from having to uphold a reputation or external definition of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to take the safer route by not asserting myself at all, in this defining failure as a worse than not trying...which is a guaranteed failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my failure by inaction, so I do not have to recognize the failure consequence, and in this protect my 'shy' personality and remain within the belief that to try and fail is more scary and not worth it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that success only comes through failing, learning, and trying again. I only ever really fail when I stop trying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try, and to justify that within fear based backchat, and to believe those justifications are valid.

When and as I see myself going into my mind when in the company of others, I stop I breathe. I realize that I do not need to consult my inner self via thoughts to be able to effectively interact with my environment. I commit myself to giving myself the opportunities to try, to fail, and to learn and keep breathing.

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I once read that the first step to getting out of quicksand is to be completely still..

Day 281 - Application Preparation

Elaborating on my post yesterday: Day 280 - Why I Write

In my previous post I explained the current purpose/intention of my writing here as a method of self-support. By answering the questions: Who am I within my writing? What is the reason? What is the experience of myself when I initiate my writing? I can discover for myself the motivation to write myself here. Upon reflecting on my post yesterday, I found that I wandered off into the delay point a bit, and I missed a specific aspect of my reason for writing: Application Prep!

Answering these questions again: Who am I within my writing? I am directing myself to understand and clarify my purpose and motivation. What is the reason? Self-Support. What is the experience of myself when I initiate my writing? Aiming for specificity and thoroughness.

map it out!                 cc

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my ultimate goal within my Journey to Life writing, is to build a foundation of support as external reference for myself, and others, to see, realize and understand what's being accepted and allowed within and as Self, and to bring forth that understanding when applicable in real-time living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write for the sake of anything other than the eventual living application of the insight and realizations I come to within my self-supportive writing.

When and as I see myself writing just to write, I stop I breathe. I realize that I've likely delayed my self-supportive writing process through not having this one point of the purpose of my writing affirmed. I commit myself to plan time for effective self-supportive writing. I am glad I wandered of into delay yesterday, or I may have not made this connection between delay as an outflow of writing for an external purpose.

Now, all of this writing will only do me any good if I can live it. Thus, I commit myself to constantly investigate where and why my living application is not in alignment with my understanding, insight, realizations that I arrive at through my writing process.

When and as I see myself anxious or worried that I cannot really live my self-realizations from within my writings, I stop I breathe. I realize this as just another mental gymnastic causing resistance to self-change. I commit myself to really breathe and not let this particular resistance stop me from pursuing self-perfection through writing realizations and practicing living them until I simply live the realization.

Join in on this writing process to investigate yourself and build your own platform of self-support. By doing so, you will support others as well. You may find that you get overwhelmed with many different resistance experiences. Stop. Breathe. Who are you in relation to writing yourself to freedom?..

Want to write about it? :)

Day 280 - Why I Write

Who am I within my writing? What is the reason? What is the experience of myself when I initiate my writing?

These are valuable questions I should ask myself before I begin a post. Why? By answering these questions, I am solidifying my intention and writing objective with affirming the purpose. This is important because if I am not writing for my own sake, I am wasting my time.

When I was writing papers in school, I didn't ask these questions, which was partially why I experiences so much resistance and procrastinated until it was imperceptive that I at least get something written down. I were to answer these questions then, the answer would most likely be "rushed" and "desperate." Since that's all I've really known to be within my writing, I have been struggling a bit in learning how to write for myself. When I am writing for me, I want to be confident that I am effectively achieving my best work, something that I wasn't very concerned about when my writing reason was to just get a passing grade.

To answer these questions now: I am writing here to best support myself in understanding who I've become for the purpose of taking responsibility for my life experience within and without. My experience of myself while I write should be focused and stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through my journey to life writing because I placed more value on needing to get one post a day finished, not realizing that by externalizing my writing reason, I have stolen my opportunity to most effectively support myself within a stable, focused starting point.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize how my starting point determines the direction and quality of my self-support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay writing in any moment by forgetting/suppressing my reasons for writing just long enough to initiate a distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with myself when I am writing, not realizing how the instability dilutes the quality of my writing support and unnecessarily increases the time it takes to finish.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be inconsistent in my approach to writing, making it harder to realize why I write and thus make it a better point of self-support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse writing to achieve status as an external motivation, not realizing how I'm compromising myself by not writing for me alone.

When and as I see myself writing for an external point, such as time and/or the judgments of others, I stop I breathe. Really though. I breathe. I realize that the purpose of my writing is essential when considering how to best support myself through writing. I commit myself to be clear within myself as I continue writing on a single focus point.

When and as I see myself delaying my writing process while I've already begun, I stop I breathe. I realize that I have experienced some form of resistance within my writing that lead me astray. I commit myself to bring myself back to my writing within a clarified writing objective/reason.

I realize I am here writing for me. This is how I am effective in achieving my purpose of self-support through writing. Dilution of why I write must be promptly investigated. Here, I walk this writing process to ultimately realize myself as life, one and equal within this entire physical existence, and take responsibility for what I have become and direct myself in alignment of what is best for all.