Day 197 - Resurfacing Resistance Patterns

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I find once more that there is really no way possible to permanently the points that haven't been completely walked. I was aiming to open up my relationship toward yoga today, and I started going into a sorts of various delay patterns. The primary starting point was that of fearing my writing will not be good enough, acceptable, or that I won't effectively express the entire point all at once.

Then, I thought about writing about the resistance that I was experiencing. I did so in my side journal. I found that there is an intensification of the points that are not yet cleared, and so far, in general, I have not been going deeply into one point at a time.

There is a theme of increasing resistance as I hone in on the particular point. Today, as I sat to write I became overwhelmed by the attempt to conceptualize my entire relationship to yoga. Again, I am taking on too many points within it, and from there I go into fear that I won't complete the deprogramming of that one GIANT point, as if I had to do it in one post.

How did I react to the resistance this time? All the same old patterns started popping up:

- Ease of going into another thought, accompanied by nail biting

- Sleepiness

- Food and/or candy

The key difference between then and now is that I stuck to my commitment to write about the resistance I was experiencing, instead of just allowing it to guide me. Through the writing I realized that these old habits of resistance are my go to outlets for avoidance and delay: Personalized Escapism.

So, as a continuation of Day 183, I am finding that I can't just walk through all of my resistance points on one level and be done with it. Point by point, I have to give myself the room, the patience to pick apart one point, and make a stable commitment of self-change from within the working realizations I find. Being general within my writings was my adaption of being lazy. Like today, I would allow the resistance reactions to take over, and only at the last minute find the will to get out a quick post. It's not a point that I want to beat myself up over. I just want to get my act together, so to speak, and get real with myself.

I'm not here to prove that I can get a post published everyday. I post everyday because I can better see when I fall into energy.

Day 95 - Continuing with my nails

I woke up this morning considering how pointless it is to bite my nails, and so I took a breath and said no more...

to my own disappointment  I nibbled throughout the day and while watching an action-adventure film, right back into a full blown nail biting frenzy. So there are several dimension of mind coming into play, and by nature of so many different factors I'd have to consider to completely unwrap my nail biting tendency, I've delayed facing this point for too long. And so I write.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay facing my self within the relationship to my nail biting habit out of fear that I will not be able to stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with myself for having fallen...AGAIN. I realize that this disappointment is an energetic release that cycles and so aids in the bind of this addiction. I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself experiencing frustration or disappointment with regards to biting my nails. With the lens of common sense, I see that I must stop. Stop the nail biting. Stop the reaction. Just stop, and proceed according to common sense. This should be easy...my how the mind is complex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so involved within an action film that as tensions rise in the movie, my tensions rise, leading to the familiar tension outlet of nail biting. It's becoming more and more clear how this habit lives off fear. If I'm not lost in a fear-base thought when my hand goes to my mouth, I am lost in the movie, taking on artificial fear/anxiety as my reaction is bite nails.

^ As I wrote that, I recalled how I have been using this pattern of hand to mouth for comfort since I was really, really young.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suck on my thumb for comfort when I was little and that I have, in a sense, upgraded to chewing off little bits of nail and numb skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that this habit is very deeply ingrained and that I must face each and every point behind the addiction to be able to stand stable, here, as my breath. They say it can be done in one breath, I have been unable to stop this habit in one breath, and so have lived in the definition of powerlessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as powerless when I fail to achieve, especially in comparison and desire to be the best or better than my comparison points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up when I see that I can not be the best, better, faster, stronger. I commit myself to a steadfast walk, a patient walk. And I will not stop until it is done. I commit myself to stopping the addiction of comfort from nail biting.

I commit myself to realize why and how I have begun the movement from hand to mouth, and to delete the thought and charge with self-forgiveness. Doesn't matter how many times I fall. If I keep getting up, nothing and no one can stop me.

cc

Related articles

• Day 34 - Finger Nail Biting Update
• Day 94 - Nails and Fears
• Day 35 - Dodging the discomfort of delay