Day 50 - Getting over my appearance

     Another big point, related to yesterday: Caring about how I look. To be really specific, I'm spending my energy to imagine how others might be judging me, so that I may manipulate my appearance to be more in control of the world around me. My hair style, dress and overall appearance are just the picture presentation of myself. Dressing effectively for the situations that life presents is different than worrying about how others judge my appearance. Through addressing this point, I will no longer go into my mind with concern for how others might be negatively or positively judging my appearance. So, if I need to be respectful or effective with how I choose my appearance, I will direct myself accordingly, but no more mental worry tolls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in my mind to attempt to figure out how another may be judging me so that I could change my appearance to be liked...this is one of the points behind the appearance concern.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be liked, and to attempt to achieve this goal, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my appearance to be a certain favorable way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control others reactions to me instead of just being me, here, as an authentic expression of myself.

I forgive myself for judging myself.


When and as I see myself imagining how others would think of me as the picture image of myself, I stop I breathe.

I realize that these thoughts support a comparison system that is not needed outside of self-interest. I had been desiring to be on the winning side of the polarity of appearance judgement, so that I could keep the fear of judgement in motion. I am done with this.

I commit myself to be a living expression of what's best for all life, and not what's just best for me in terms of opinions of my appearance. I will no longer be putting energy into appearing a certain way to achieve self-interested goals. Here I am. Judge me, or hear me.

Day 49 - Desire for Relationship

     This is a point I've been slowly working on because I've largely defined myself through the mission of becoming the best that I can be so that I can be with someone equally as driven to be their best. The more I write about it, the more I can see myself and that is key to understanding. I've received some really solid support related to this in a forum thread here, but it's hard to acclimate to because I have built my personality and perception of who I want to be with another. To let go of this desire point, I need to become intimate with myself and stand comfortably alone. I must stand stable so there is no dishonesty whatsoever. I woke this morning after a nice dream reunion with my dream girl...so, here I am, opening this up.

from wikimedia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to be with someone to be content.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from facing this point through the fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life if I give up my desire for love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this type of love seeking is self-interested because I look for qualities in another that I do not believe myself to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to think about how wonderful a relationship with my dream girl would be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be with a girl in my head.

--

When and as I see myself looking to be with a girl in my head, I stop I breathe.

I realize that when I think about a woman I am interested in, I am not actually with her nor am I here in space time. I am lost within the unstable dimensions of my mind.

I commit myself to first becoming intimate with myself so that I may be able to support myself and another in an honest relationship/agreement, wherein there are no insecurities that I am hiding.

I commit myself to staying here in the physical reality where there is no separation within desire within my mind.

I commit myself to writing out all the points of which I desire in another so that I may see what points of myself that I have been reluctant to take responsibility for.

I commit myself to returning to my breath when and as I see myself in separate myself from the concept of another within these mental projections of desire.

Most definitely to be continued. Thanks for listening.

Day 48 - Older Brother Insecurities

     My brother was born when I was 2. Ever since then, I formed a spite complex. I recall the feeling of insecurity as I formed defensive reactions to his innocent expression. I was rather mean to him whenever I needed to protect or preserve that almighty ego of mine. Completely selfish, I would call him stupid, so I could feel smart. There is a general memory of me just being plain mean, putting him down without an ounce of compassion, just so I could feel good about myself. Reckless...stupid. Haha, I was the stupid one that whole time.

     As I looked at our high school portraits, I have one of those smirks, and he's got one of the most honest smiles. I think I was projecting my fear of myself onto him because he stood as a being of great integrity and honesty. I continued to maintain the ego version of myself through our interactions until I saw myself in action. It was like a snapping point, where I had just had enough of myself being a dick to him. So just under a year ago I was able to bring myself to tears while writing out self-forgiveness for for being an asshole to my brother my whole life. It's kind of a big deal. So in my beginning of taking responsibility for my behavior toward him, I was overwhelmed. I still have much to walk through as indicated by the unsettled feeling in me. So, even now that things have significantly improved between us, (at least on my side) I start to see how the patterned personality I created for myself in the context of my upbringing with my brother is not cleared. I still put others "in their place" so that I can feel in the superior position, as this is the picture of power I seek.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself by creating and constructing a skewed perception of myself within my mind in relationship with my brother. Being older made it easy to pick on him...I only wish I could have realized what I was doing earlier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my past through regret. I am one with all parts of my expression throughout time, and I must take responsibility for all of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to continue to run from facing the truth of myself as the accumulation of insecurity within my constructed personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build barriers to protect my ego. The abusive projection of my own insecurities is no longer accepted.

When and as I see myself move into a degrading ego attack, I stop I breathe.

I realize that I have a lot of inertia within this design and it will take patience and persistence to deconstruct this routine of ego protection. To fully walk myself out of this design and into the life that I am here, I commit myself to seeing/realizing/understanding every manifestation of my superiority complex within all of my relationships.

I commit myself to realizing how I use polarity to promote my self-conception because this isn't what life is about. I built myself up by putting him down, and all of this was in relationship to my mind...my selfish ego.

I commit myself to continually exposing and humiliating myself until I stand as an equal.

Thank you for everything brother.

Day 47 - Truth Trumps Money

     I just saw the movie The Campaign (2012), and overall, it's a funny stab at American politics. The core message is how our government is run by big money, and that it takes real guts to stand up for what you believe in & speak the truth. I enjoyed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I can take responsibility for the current world system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I must take responsibility for the current world system.

 ...I'm starting to realize just how much there is to do, as I begin to take responsibility for everything.

pic credit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unwittingly allow our governance to become so intertwined with money and have that diminish the ideal of our true democratic voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the perception that the government is too big for me to have any effect of change within it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as voiceless in a governmental system, placing all the blame on those with big money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming a politician whom will fail in upholding his ideals.

When and as I see myself go into the moment of which I abdicate governmental responsibility, I stop I breathe.

I realize that this post is continuance of Day 8, but also another media inspired entry that's related to my political involvement. A pattern..

I commit myself to standing up within myself to push through each specific fear that is disabling me from taking that next step!

Here we go.

Day 46 - Best for All @ Home

"Focus on what is best for all. Stick to one point no matter what and the outcome is assured. Anything that is based on forms of division, polarity, positive or negative, good or bad, pointless. An absolute waste. They go no where. Go to the solution that is best for all because such a solution do not have a positive or a negative. It is not a polarity. It is simply what it is, the best for all."

- Bernard P.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of what is best for all. I have seen myself applying what I think is best for all, rather than looking at the common sense of the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret what's Best for All as what's best for another. I have been leaving myself out of the equation when I would tell my mother how she should live. These polarized teaching statements activate the superiority-inferiority of knowledge construct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that what's best for all is what's best for another as well as what's equally best for me. By missing this point, our egos would have continued to clash, and I would have been kicked out of the house in due time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know what's best for others, ignoring what's best for me as an equal in the situation, and within this I forgive myself, for allowing myself to act in self-interest under the perception of what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that resources are scarce, and so within the context of living at home, my parents are in one essence, my bosses. I see how the roof over my head, and the food on the table are not to be taken for granted as they were in my past. I forgive myself for ever accepting and allowing myself to take for granted, the care of my parents.

--

When and as I see myself going into mind within polarity to justify or argue a point that I have seen in others, I stop I breathe.

I realize that in trying to teach others, I enter an ego-energy war, especially when my words are not welcomed nor asked for. In the classroom, we pay teachers to be superior. In life, people, including myself, only really want to make up their own minds. That is to be respected.

I commit myself to understanding what is best for all as an expansive look at each situation. Taking into consideration every aspect that is apparent to see if an action or statement will actually yield what is best for all, as me and you and whoever I'm talkin' to.

Above quote from YouTube video: Poison and the Snake,

Transcription, thanks to dtranscriptions.blogspot.com