Day 83 - Exploring career path indecision

I'm done with college. The next step: Work.

photo credit

What can I do for money? I need to make money to support myself and/within the current system. I don't want to blame or separate myself from the current world system, because in that I would take away my power to direct it, as it. So, the question is how would I like to specialize. I've finished my government backed education in the field of Communication Science. I would like to continue along this path, but there is still more learning to do.

So, why am I still unsure of which specific line of work that I'd like to get into? Well, my undergraduate degree leaves a lot of doors open. And I've been very ambitious with all the thoughts of 'what to do with my life.' Nothing very grounded, real, clearly applicable within the current world money system.

I know for certain that I want what's best for all, here on earth. There are atrocities happening to us humans everyday, and it's completely unacceptable how we are willing ignorant inside our small, imaginary, blissful worlds of our mentally created realities. To do non-profit work or social entrepreneurship doesn't make enough money...or does it?

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT explore my interests in more depth to further develop the specificity that is required to ground myself and apply myself in the current money system, while also working in alignment of my interests.

Learn it! Support it!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT get down to the 'nitty gritty' details of how an equal money system would function, how it could be implemented, and how I can work in alignment of this goal. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that an equal money system would support all life on Earth equally, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a defeatist mentality within the seemingly impossible task of replacing capitalist consumerism on the global scale.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can't take on the system, or that I am less than/separate from the current world system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for employment that would satisfy the external pressure I receive to get a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to work, and so delay my proactive self-starter within from taking action.


When and as I see myself wasting valuable moments, I stop I breathe.

I realize that I can work towards the narrowing down of the precise application of making money and supporting the change of the system at the same time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I couldn't.

I commit myself to working hard to support myself and all life on earth.

I commit myself to the practical application of myself within this current world monetary system.

I commit myself to writing every point that stands within me and in the way of what's BEST FOR ALL AS ME!

Stay tuned :)

Day 82 - Fear masked with Indecision pt.2

When and as I see myself in a state of indecision, I stop I breathe.

I realize that behind the indecision of the moment of social pressure for direction lies inhibiting fear of judgement, and if I do not have the consensus or agreement of the majority, I will lose my power as the authority and likability that I desire.

I commit myself to stopping my obsession and worry with being liked and in control of my social environment. Through this worry, I only perpetuate my lack of control.

I commit myself to recognizing my indecisive moments for what they are as a specific fear, and then to write it out and continue to release myself from that energy with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to leading by example of what has worked for me, and to recognize when I have overstepped myself into the realm of over-confidence.

I commit myself to standing equal with others within my decision making process. The extent to which I only consider my self-interest within and as fear or pleasure seeking is overwhelming. This point will take patience, and I will persist.

I commit myself to redefining power. 'Control over others' is the old school format for power conception. Power = ability to direct oneself in alignment of what's best for all life, unconditionally.

I commit myself to continue working through my comparison point of jealousy of others that I perceive as more 'powerful' than I in terms of influence.

I commit myself to stopping the doubt and indecision the moment it arises, by bringing my awareness back to my breath, and from there, direct myself as an equal to all those affected to bring what's best for all into focus.

I commit myself to sharing the perspective of what's best for all with others as me.

Thank you.

Photo credit: molumen 

Day 81 - Fear masked with Indecision

I recognize a pattern of not being able to confidently direct my path with another person. I typically wait for the other person to make a decision. This way, I take on no risk of disagreement or negative judgment. The experience of this fear manifesting doesn't feel like fear. It feels like indecisiveness or just not knowing what to do, which leads to frustration with myself for having lost my cool, confident walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose awareness of my breath when and as another being is looking at me for direction while I enter into a fear of judgement charged state of indecision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that my choice of direction is unworthy or not likable, and within this I forgive myself for allowing myself to place such emphasis on the importance of being liked through my decisions that I fear making any decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not realize that underneath my desire to not make a directive decision for 2 or more people, lies a fear that I will be cast out by the group and become lonely and powerless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to fear becoming powerless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define power according to my ability to direct other human beings and have them still like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my directive spoken word through a filter that will leave a positive, likable impression. And so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider what's best for me in each situation according to my own self-interest of being liked and therefore in a position of power. This design or conception originates from the cool kids on the playground in the early school years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a definition of power through watching how the cool kids on the playground had followers and by comparison, I was less in control of others and my reality in my early social scene.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to and strive for 'power' as define by my ability to be in control of my reality through the validation of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from power through the desire of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear powerlessness and rejection and so charge my system of self-doubt & indecision.

Corrective application statements to follow.

Photo Credit: nicubunu

Day 80 - The Praying Mantis Incident

9am

I found this little guy on the table in my back yard this morning. Instantly fascinated, I checked up on him all day. He was pretty stationary for hours on end. I would look at him and think about how he is just life, and about what he might be trying to teach me...like patience, stillness. The only time he moved was in response to my physical movements. Haha, his tiny little iris' inside his giant eyeballs would follow my position. He would kind of dance to my music. He was stable, and I kind of developed a relationship with him. I played with him and gave him a new surface to stand on:

5pm

Within my own mental creation, he became like a wise point of authority to me. Unwavering, here, no anxiousness to go anywhere or do anything. I asked him if he want to smoke weed with me...nope! In part, he motivated me to stay sober all day. His ability to have no drive to do anything but just be here in the physical reality was encouraging. I didn't realize how much I was in my head until a little later..

When I came home from an evening bike ride, he was gone! Aloud,  I thanked him for everything, for hanging out with me and keeping watch on me, for teaching me life lessons. I experienced a feeling of respectfulness. Quite a few moments later, my mother returned home all politically charged about Obama hiding his real identity, and I was reacting to her in disapproval for being so emotionally charged about it. Flustered by her presence, I stomped up the stairs to get a shirt on, effectively hurting the Mantis. I had left the backdoor open for my cats, and somehow the praying mantis found his way to my staircase, to teach me another lesson.

I felt terrible. I reacted heavily with discontent for having squished my friend. He was looking in critical condition with maybe a 30% survival chance. Despite his desire to stay clung to the carpet fibers, with a tool I was able to get him back to the table outside. I was concerned he wouldn't make it and half wanted to finish the job, but I just made a little bed for him outside.

10pm - post trauma

Now here I am, writing about my day of which the focal point was this creature. I learned that there is no need to be driven to be more than just simply here in the physical reality. I learned that I was in a mode of reaction when I stepped on him. I learned that I developed a relationship with an insect.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the praying mantis through the thought and desire to be more within the physical, not realizing that I already am in the physical equal and one with him as life manifested, and only the thoughts is holding me in separation of him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to formulate a relationship to this being to the extent that I felt great honor to be in his presence all day and then miserable for accidentally stepping on him. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how I've created an experiential relationship within my mind, following along the polarity of high and low. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thoughts and emotions associated with separating myself from this praying mantis.

Relationship to animals and insects to be further investigated.

Day 79 - Placing myself in writing

One key purpose of this Journey to Life blog, is to place myself in writing. By pushing myself to write daily, I can get a natural sense for my voice, my expression of myself. I make it public for anyone to see for a few reasons. Practice, feedback and self-support. I am also supporting others as me when you read this, though your reading is your deal. Writing myself out for me and all others to see only requires that I do it. Blogs are an amazing opportunity of self-support.

I'm realizing that in the Desteni I Process, writing this blog is not enough. It's how I was able to be sponsored into it, but if I'm really serious, and I am, I must have the tenacity to write all my thoughts down. Why? Because that's the process of seeing oneself. It is my belief that all great historical figures were writers. Also readers, but the writing, the journal...it keeps continuity of self. I can look back to see who I was in that moment and carry forth within that. That's powerful.

So, the goal of this post is to address why I haven't been pushing myself to write more. I was pretty hesitant to commit to 7 years of daily writing, but I could see the benefit. It was a solid challenge  and I'm down for those. And it has been a challenge, missing a day every once in awhile in the beginning, last month, only missed one day! This month, I'm going all out. A daily post plus additional writing. Why? Because I'm committed to sorting myself out. Why? I believe in the nobility of leading a life that's Best For All. Best for me is so overplayed! So why not write more...

photo credit: zeimusu

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that writing is hard work that must require too much time and is not worth it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into hiding by neglecting the task of writing by turning to media, like video games and movies, and social stimulation, as in looking for girls to hang out with on my okcupid app.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to undervalue the act of writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to formalize my writing efforts into this Journey to Life blog, and believe that I only have a limited amount of writing effort that I need to save for this daily post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not organize my writing space, so that I can see what I've written when. Too many notebooks, not enough organization is discouraging.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become discouraged by by lack of organizing and I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to prioritize creating the organized work space of which I can write effectively, day-to-day.

I commit myself to writing myself out everyday, for myself to see myself.

When and as I see myself moving into a distraction so that I don't have to face myself and my thoughts through writing, I stop I breathe. I realize the benefit of writing, for me, for all to see who I am. I commit myself to the open, honest, transparent stance of living out what's best for all life. It's a process and if I don't try and get started...well, what am I waiting for? I answer questions like this, questions to self, through the act of writing.

Thanks for reading. Now write about it! :)