Day 24 - To Be Right

     I'm addicted to winning, to being right, and to validate that I am winning and am right. This I now see has held my back extensively in terms of effective communication. I'm opening up a huge point that deals also deals with fear of failure, or fear to be wrong..

     I don't want to jump straight into Self-Forgiveness this time because there's too much. I'm going to take it slow...but steady. I have a desire to write out a Mind Construct. When I do this, it will look like a laying out of where/when I go into this character of wanting to be right. Next, I need to figure out why, because knowing why I did something helps me address the real matter at hand. I see how overwhelmingly in control of my perspective my mind is, and I cannot continue this way. I need to slow down because that's when I see my flaws. I see my flaws often through my judgements of others, too (a.k.a. one of the more powerful tools of self-awareness that I've added). Then it's back here to do my SF statements, and really get to the bottom of this mental dis-ease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be right or wrong and have a feeling about that.

     Whew, that was good.../right. So now my experience moves to being right, instead of just flowing in my "rightness' without a second thought. So, that means this whole paragraph is based on a mental reaction of analysis that brought me away from the moment of my breath of real honest self-expression....wow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to analyze my expression, because within this analysis I've judged myself and limited my expression. Because I want to appeal to an audience that may vibe with the words I choose, I allow myself into self-doubt before I've even finished the sentence...this is just unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, for so long and through school, doubt my expression, fear others' judgments thereof, and not ever give myself to chance to be wrong and have that be okay.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to just be here in the flow of words. Constantly second guessing myself for public approval is not how I want to LIVE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live for others...instead of for myself.

Okay, the experience after that one: I need a break to digest and figure out what that means. Thanks for now. Stay tuned.

Day 23 - Polarizing aspects of soccer

     Rats, I slept in an additional 2 hrs today. My cat woke me up at about the 6 hour mark, and I got mad at him and ignored him. This extra sleep was an indulgence, and I'll get on this point soon. For now, I am pushing myself to write about my soccer game today because I told myself I would. Enjoy:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to polarize the players as good or bad, and for allowing that to affect my enjoyment of playing the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with some players and to admire others because this is when I'm lost in my mind, instead of holding my focus on the game.

I forgive myself for polarizing myself as one of the good players and so I became lost within that belief. This was not the case, I played poorly today..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see or realize that I've been holding myself back with the belief that I am good. I can certainly benefit and improve my skill if I humble myself, and be honest with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and to not just have fun playing the game to the best with the best of my ability with that best for all attitude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play sports from the mindset of what is best for me, and within this I forgive myself for wanting to be a winner...more on that tomorrow.

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I commit myself to breath awareness whilst engaged in the game of soccer (or "football") AND after the play is over not to leave that moment and go off into mind as a means to judge other people.

I commit myself to politely sharing when I see others' flaws as to give them the opportunity to improve without it becoming something of ego. If I can't do this correctly, I will know, and I will STOP.

I commit myself to recognizing when I participate in polar emotions and judgments.

I commit myself to be honest with myself within this point while playing soccer and other team sports...why not.

I commit myself to holding and maintaining a best-for-all attitude with all players on the field, be it soccer, volleyball, or other competitive sports.

I commit myself for forgiving myself whenever I find that I am getting upset with myself or other players, and losing sight of myself here.

Thanks for reading. Be sure to catch me tomorrow for my character on Winning!

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Day 22 - Slave to the system

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as self control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to external guidance because of a perceived lack of confidence to be able to direct myself in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as unworthy of full self direction. I see how every limitation I place is just that. STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek a correct path for which I can prove I am worthy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to candy cravings or tiredness when I am attempting to direct myself, here.

I forgive myself for giving up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be driven by rank or something of higher importance. And within this, I forgive myself for not staying present in my breath before I move.

I forgive myself for not trusting myself within and as my breath.

I forgive myself that I fear losing my mind and all of the self-definitions I've "worked so hard" for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive and believe that it's too difficult to stay here, and live within my breath as an expression of equality and oneness with all life.

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I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding how I've let myself submit to the system(s) of the world.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for all of my allowances and to take note of all blame-projection and flag it for further investigation.

I commit myself to staying here or making honest effort to figure out why I'm allowing myself to depart from the moment or to be elsewhere.

I commit myself to working toward increasing self-trust on many dimensions, until it is clear that I do not doubt my thoughts, actions or words.

I commit myself to taking care of my responsibilities, so that I do not procrastinate and go with the flow to the point of regret and/or despair.

I commit myself to rest and to recognize the boot-up patterns of my mind tomorrow, and then to have an honest check-in with self to see how I can apply self forgiveness.

See ya in the morning blog!

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Day 21 - McDonald's Happiness Starting Point

     Reacting to my disgruntlement from a mediocre deal at a garage sale, I decided to act on the impulse for a mcdonalds breakfast sandwich to cheer me up. Fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to go to mcdonalds to eat food because I thought it would cheer me up, despite the food's relatively unhealthy qualities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to comfort myself with food flavor.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to just breath and forgive the point from which the anger stems, instead of eating as escapism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drive to mcdonalds, after having a full on conversation with my backchat (when the mind chats back) that brought up feelings of escapism, denial of reality, and guilt for not stopping myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for having over-indulged in tasty/bad food within which my starting point was not carefully considered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into backchat to try and justify doing what I, deep down, don't want to do, later manifesting regret.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret going to mcdonalds.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that regret-fulness feeds my mind consciousness system and binds me in an unhealthy relationship to mcdonalds food.

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I commit myself to checking what my starting point is whenever I think to go to eat fast food.
And if it's not best for all, and especially if it is to run/hide/cover an emotion I don't like, I will reconsider my options.

I commit myself to realizing and understanding the basic needs of my body to function as to prevent over-indulgence within and as my mind consciousness system.

I commit myself to recognizing (when I can) and STOPPING my backchat from persuading me to follow something other than what my gut knows is right as what's an expression of oneness and equality.

I commit myself to showing that I can eat to serve the purpose of fueling my physical body, and

I commit myself to exposing to myself which foods are detrimental to my physical body so that I may eventually eliminate desire for "bad" foods.

I commit myself to common sense eating.

Thank you.

Day 20 - Bye-bye Candy Binge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat around 100 peanut butter M&Ms today in one sitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself the fact that this kind of eating behavior is not delicious for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider the positive reward in my brain as superior to my inner knowledge of what is good and bad for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to overwhelm and take dominion over a common sense diet.

I forgive myself, from the beginning until now, for accepting and allowing myself to binge out on candy as permissible.

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I commit myself to never again binging out on candy. No more treating myself like crap.

I commit myself to only enjoying candy.

I commit myself to only enjoying candy in moderation.

Oh, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crave candy, and then also I forgive myself for acting on that impulse.

I commit myself to not allowing that impulse to overwhelm my common sense, and by this I mean to treat each treat with respect and appreciation.

Thanks for the good times candy.