One Man's Journey to Life

Day 54 - Other Distraction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a higher importance on being social than getting work done...and vice versa.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify procrastination when social opportunities arise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to polarize other people/self, alternating which is more importance. Refocus to what's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what is best for all so that I can have what's best for me as social-ego-pleasures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider all equally as me, and so the excuse of being distracted by others is really self-distraction with what I have allowed within me toward these social experiences.

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When and as I see myself go into justification for abdicating my self-responsibility as placing a higher value on social time, I stop I breathe.

I realize that through this value displacement, I am in fact telling myself that my time is less important than time spent socially.

I commit myself to seeing/realizing myself as equal to all parts of myself as others, and to within this direct how my time is spent according to what is best for all.

I commit myself to leading my life according to what's best for all life.

I commit myself to placing equal value on others as myself. Altogether equal and one. Thanks.

Day 53 - Self Distraction

So I've noticed that as I go to write about a fear point or realization of myself, I will easily allow distractions to come into play. This is the same thing that was going on when I procrastinated throughout school. So now that I recognize me wanting to go off into a distraction, I must slowly & cautiously begin to direct myself as authority. No more of this mind leaping to the cookie jar distraction bullshit. That's just one example. I also love to play video games as distraction, and there really is no end to the internet. So, because I'm surrounded by nearly infinite distractions, my pace is dependent upon my willingness to direct my time according to what's best for all. Direction is everything, and lately I've fallen to this routine of distraction. I'm done with this lazy bull...all I need to do is get on my own case. I know how to use a calendar/planner. I know that I have enough time in the day to get everything done that I want. I know I don't really want to be shooting digital people on my tv screen. So what is this? It is escapism. It is an allowance of self-deception. It can be directed and this is the turning point. When I falter on this point, I will get back up asap, within the realization that I am not being honest with myself and that that is UNACCEPTABLE. Here I am, committing myself to self-direction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my mind's impulse as distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run from the moment of honest application of myself for any reason, and specifically if I'm running because of a creation of fear. There is fear behind it all. It is the point of fear, which is only as real as I allow it to be, that drives and runs this the doubt and such that halts me. So,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to direct myself according to how I actually, really want to be doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to the ease of allowing my mental programs to direct me into the normal pleasure seeking modes of distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defeat myself when I am conflicted between honest application and time-wasting activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as less than my potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run toward distraction when I am reluctant to face a point or challenge (due to doubt/fear of failure) instead of at least investigating the reluctance. I commit myself to figuring out why I am resisting if and when I allow the resistance to win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist myself, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn over control to the ease of my mind as what's comfortable and familiar.

When and as I see myself consider partaking in the distraction, I stop I breathe.

I realize that I will need to have excruciating honesty within this point, so that I may no longer run.

I commit myself to no longer run from my responsibility or directed task.

I commit myself to realizing every moment of distraction, and within that realization make a real choice as an honest acceptance and allowance into the distraction. In situations where the distraction feels necessary and isn't in actuality, I commit myself to the investigation of the point that caused this energetic experience, so that slowly but surely, I will walk into self-honest direction in every moment.

Thanks. I'll keep you updated.

Day 52 - Taking over control of my life

For as long as I can remember, I've been under the guidance of my parents and of the school system. The decision I made to go to college was easy, my parents insisted. Now that I'm a recent graduate, I have no guidance other than myself. Thus, I must take 100% responsibility for my circumstance. This moment in my life is all up to me, so it's time to take the reins. Will I let myself be controlled by the programming of my mind, as reactive thoughts, feelings and emotions, or will I take a stand within the oneness and equality of my breath? I choose to be part of the whole, and within that I will take responsibility for all, one and equal to all as a part of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remove myself from the status of being one and equal with each and every part of the whole by allowing my mind to make up a reality other than what's here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can think myself out of this mess of my mind, instead of unconditionally applying the tools of breathing, self-honesty and self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push blame and therefore responsibility for my life circumstance on to others, effectively reducing my power to create a reality that's best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand how I am one and equal with all parts of LIFE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my mind to tell me what fears to run from and which to face. This conditional approach to process is not based in absolute honesty as one and equal to the wholesomeness of unconditionallity.

When and as I see myself in spiraling state of defeatism, I stop I breathe.

I realize that ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CIRCUMSTANCE, and that as one and equal with the world and all parts therein, that I am also responsible for the current state of the world.

I commit myself to living and breathing.

I commit myself to realizing my individual responsibility within my life, and within all life.

Day 51 - People in my head

I slowed down enough today to witness myself go into mind.

It is fascinating how subtle yet significant the difference is between the presence within my breath mode and going off into thoughts. One second I'm here, the next I've slipped off into my mind. It was the thinking about interactions between myself in imagined scenarios with others. Through this I saw my lack of presence, here in my breathing and the environment around me. I was going off and playing out a drama where I would have an outcome that's in my favor, like arguing about whatever, except in my mind, I always win.

These non-tangible, imagined social scenes that I conjure up are not obvious to me as mind play. I"m no longer trying to play with my mind without being fully sure that I am the director therein. This mind of mine, this ego wants to prevail. Who I am as life, is not thinking about how to win future arguments that will never happen the same way I see it play out in my mind. I don't know why I have been continually allowing this self-inflicted mind control to take me away from this moment.

I forgive myself, for accepting and allowing my mind to take dominion of me as life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave this moment, here, so that I can feed the starting points of fear. Fear as doubt in myself. This fear charges it. I'm so afraid that I can't control my reality that I have to think about it. It's subtle, familiar, and so different to stop thinking. To start trusting in self, moment to moment. STOP THINKING.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that thinking is a better option than being physically present with each and every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the dramatic social scenarios of which I am seen favorably, winning an argument, winning, anything that serves my ego (aka the limited conception of self). I do not need this to lead a life that's best for all.

It's ends here.

When and as I see myself leave my mode of absolute presence, here, I stop I breathe.

I realize that these thoughts that I thought were serving me, that I have placed so much trust in my whole life, are a lie. I see how through walking this process, I will further develop the self-trust that is needed to remain present, out of my mind, in my breath. Self-honesty ==> Self-Trust

I commit myself to recognizing when I leave my breath, so that I may return from my mental trip (as just your normal everyday thoughts). In this, I will locate the source of the thinking, so that I may direct myself through the self-forgiveness statements that are specifically related; releasing the bind to mind, and moving forward into the next moment within and as my breathing.

This is fun.

Day 50 - Getting over my appearance

Another big point, related to yesterday: Caring about how I look. To be really specific, I'm spending my energy to imagine how others might be judging me, so that I may manipulate my appearance to be more in control of the world around me. My hair style, dress and overall appearance are just the picture presentation of myself. Dressing effectively for the situations that life presents is different than worrying about how others judge my appearance. Through addressing this point, I will no longer go into my mind with concern for how others might be negatively or positively judging my appearance. So, if I need to be respectful or effective with how I choose my appearance, I will direct myself accordingly, but no more mental worry tolls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in my mind to attempt to figure out how another may be judging me so that I could change my appearance to be liked...this is one of the points behind the appearance concern.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be liked, and to attempt to achieve this goal, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my appearance to be a certain favorable way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control others reactions to me instead of just being me, here, as an authentic expression of myself.

I forgive myself for judging myself.

When and as I see myself imagining how others would think of me as the picture image of myself, I stop I breathe.

I realize that these thoughts support a comparison system that is not needed outside of self-interest. I had been desiring to be on the winning side of the polarity of appearance judgement, so that I could keep the fear of judgement in motion. I am done with this.

I commit myself to be a living expression of what's best for all life, and not what's just best for me in terms of opinions of my appearance. I will no longer be putting energy into appearing a certain way to achieve self-interested goals. Here I am. Judge me, or hear me.